On the latest episode of The Miley & Mandy Show, Miley’s boyfriend, Justin Gaston, makes an appearance, if only to prove that he is, in fact, the attractive face with absolutely zero underlying personality that we’d all assumed him to be anyway.

Stay tuned until around 5:00, where Justin actually performs with his guitar. He’s not terrible, but it would be a lot better without Miley bouncing around in the background making damn sure all the attention is on her.

I don’t want to hear anything from anyone in Miley’s camp ever again about how she’s just a sweet, innocent little girl.

The only good thing about those tits being practically up against her jawline is that hopefully it’ll make it harder for her to talk. Seriously, she looks like a hooker at the Renaissance Faire. Like she’s about to offer me a fucking chicken thigh and a blow job.

Virginity FAIL.

Answer:  Her sister Brandy.  This video is the sensory equivalent of chewing tinfoil.  You’ve been warned.

Miley cut her delicate uvula on a piece of dressing-drenched chicken.  Chicken is my life.  I eat chicken more often than I shower, okay?  Consuming it has never injured me.  Hell, I’ve even forayed into eating salted razors, more commonly referred to as tortilla chips.  My uvula has remained intact.  I call BS on this seasoned poultry tale.

Also, Cyrus’ parents need to fire Miley’s private tutor.  What halfway intelligent sixteen year-old needs to have “uvula” explained to them?  I wasn’t that swift in school, but I still had a firm grasp on epiglottis and duodenum by my teen years.  Have times changed so much that proper respect is no longer paid to critical human body components?

Below, some pictures of Miley as she attended the Walt Disney Pictures/Miramax Pre Golden Globe Party.  Conclusion?  Cyrus is overjoyed to have her picture taken with anyone that is not her parents.

Mandy Jiroux Holiday Video

I hate, hate, HATE that I watched this all the way through.

Other things I hate: Mandy Jiroux, and the fact that she’s in a new girl group called the Beach Girlz. I mean, can the Beach Boys sue over that shit? Also, don’t you feel bad for Miley’s other dancers who don’t get to be her best friend? Don’t you think they’re jealous and sad?

 

Here’s the deal:  I never liked Uggs.  I didn’t own a pashmina.  Skinny jeans and Ed Hardy tees weren’t ever my thing.  I don’t do Kabbalah and I haven’t had twins.  Even growing up, everyone was wearing neon Champion sweatshirts with matching Reebok high-tops and I was all about the feathers on a roach clip worn in my hair.  They wore Z. Cavariccis, I wore Jordache.  For chrissakes, I was passionately in love with Barry Gibb…in, like, 1987.  And today.  I just don’t fit in…never did.

To further illustrate my social ineptness, I think back to the pioneers of music.  I didn’t love them all but they made a difference.  Chuck Berry, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, The Stones.  Who am I forgetting? I’m sure many great artists.  Oh, Duran Duran…total pioneers.  But I watch Miley Cyrus and I just Do.  Not.  Get.  It.  She is the colonic of the pop world…everybody thinks she’s great and I just remain confused as to her purpose.

Here is Miley performing on the U.K. show X Factor Saturday night.

Does my office even have a Christmas party?

I don’t know. I’m Jewish, so I probably wouldn’t be invited anyway. But if we do have a Christmas party, and I am invited, I would just like our CEO to know that if he isn’t too busy cross-suing the MPAA it would be much appreciated if he’d buy Miley Cyrus for us, since apparently she does office parties now. From the Houston Chronicle:

Tweendom’s reigning queen is the star performer at the Lanier Law Firm’s “Christmas Cheers and Charity” party. The annual event will be held next month at the ranch home of Houston lawyer Mark Lanier and his wife, Becky.

The family-friendly extravaganza boasts “Texas Bar-B-Q, fajitas and amusements” on the colorful invitation, which includes a pop-up Cyrus sharing the stage with a guitar-wielding Santa and singing elves.

No word yet on what Miley’s charging for the affair or how long she’ll play, but, honestly, Mr. Glaser, are you about to be out-done by a silly Houston law firm? I have an idea. Why don’t you just buy the law firm, since we are obviously going to be needing a lot of lawyers right now, and then bring Miley here to Seattle? She and I can get drunk and pose with knives. Fun times all around. Just promise me you’ll think about it.

Okay, I know I’m supposed to be annoyed by this, but I actually found myself smiling at this clip of Miley Cyrus playing coy on Ellen about her non-boyfriend, Justin Gaston. It’s kind of heart-warming to see such young, innocent, early love.

They’re totally banging. But in a really Christian way, I’m sure.