Congrats to Miley & Co., who steam-rolled through the box office with $34 million in ticket sales and a #1 debut with the Hannah Montana movie.

“Hannah Montana” drew $17.3 million on Friday for the biggest opening day ever for a G-rated live-action movie.

While girls 12 and younger and their moms made up most of the audience, “Hannah Montana” also attracted a solid crowd of teenage girls, fans reaching the age when they might be outgrowing the show, said Mark Zoradi, president of Disney’s motion-picture group.

“Miley’s audience stayed with her,” Zoradi said. “Those that enjoyed the show on TV and maybe have become young teens themselves came back for the movie.”

Meanwhile, Seth Rogen’s dark comedy, Observe and Report, opening a disappointing #4 with $11M in ticket sales, and Fast & Furious fell to the #2 spot, confirming once again that teenage girls are way more powerful than teenage boys.

Also, this clip is inexplicably one of the most popular on YouTube right now:

Really, how many teenagers do we need belting out power ballads? Who is this girl?

Set your DVRs because Miley Cyrus is on The Rachael Ray Show tomorrow.  Can you imagine the cacophony of those two little squawkers?  Ugh.  Need.  Booze.

Miley shares that dating Justin Gaston has brought her closer to the Lord.  As in, “Oh God.  Oh, Lord, whatever you are doing, don’t…ever…stop…”

Just kidding, just kidding.  Miley would never talk during sex because she knows that her voice automatically thrusts erections around the world into the no-fly zone.

Seriously though, Cyrus told Ray, not Billy but Rachael, “I’ve never been closer to the Lord since I met him.  He’s really made me read my Bible.  He’s made me actually read the stories in the Bible-not the quick little verses-that not only help me, but show you how to help other people.”

In other words, she knows Justin Gaston biblically-which we already knew.

Other exciting parts of the taped segment include Miley talking about how she didn’t like Gaston initially, and that she is learning how to color her own hair for eight dollars instead of paying eight hundred dollars to have it done professionally.  Fascinating stuff.

There were surprisingly few A-listers at the LA premiere of the new Hannah Montana flick. I’m not sure if they just weren’t invited or if they just didn’t want to come because it’s a stupid movie that Miley’s too old to be doing at this point anyway. Miley was there, looking relatively unhappy about the whole business, and I do wish they’d stop doing lip injections on a 16-year-old.

Thank GOODNESS Taylor Swift was looking fabulous as usual! She stole the show!

Also there: Teri Hatcher and Vanessa Williams — both looking kinda like hell, IMHO — Miley’s dad Billy Ray, and a creature that the photo service has labeled as Demi Lovato, but who looks way older and more whorish than any Demi Lovato I’ve seen. You be the judge.

Happy Monday, peeps!  Is “peeps” still a word that is even used?  I’m so not up on cool lingo.  I seriously still say, “What up?” and “Let’s rent a video.”  Not.  Cool.  You know who is cool, though?  Miley Cyrus.

I was so happy to find the video of totally age-inappropriate Miley, crying while accepting her 2009 Kid’s Choice Awards.  And I quote:  “Unlike any other awards show, it’s all about you guys.”  Well, actually-Miley, I’d like to tell you a story…

Once upon a time, long, long ago, when Pong was all the rage, no one wanted to go to the beach because of that scary shark movie, and Fame was a number one song instead of some entity earned by flashing your nethers, a little awards show was born.  That program, brought forth in 1975 was named The People’s Choice Awards.  The end.

Sorry for the lack of plot and character development.  Moral of story?  Nickelodeon was so not the ground-breaker on this fan-driven awards racket.

Oh, and Miley?  I was on my knees, rosary-draped and desperately praying that thought you were going to lose too.

OMG you guys I was SO WORRIED about Miley and Mandy. After Miley declared Taylor Swift to be her best friend at the VMAs, and she kept making YouTube videos with her boyfriend and her sister and seemingly EVERYONE but Mandy, I thought this friendship for the ages was kaput. My heart was broken.

But NO! They’re back together again, encouraging people to vote for Miley in the Kids Choice Awards, which will take place this Saturday.

Will you be voting for Miley???

I know that Miley and Nick Jonas dated, but really, she has so much more in common with Joe-except that whole purity ruse which Joe actually seems to participate in.

A couple of months ago, Miley was slammed when a picture surfaced of her in which she appeared to be mocking Asians.  Now, this lovely snapshot has hit the internet showing Joe Jonas in a similar situation.  These two Asian-taunting, manufactured by Disney twits are, like, soul mates.

Expect a non-apology to be released by the Jonas camp shortly.

The same could happen to you! Hannah Montana lunchbag-ready snacks have been recalled by The Canadian Food Inspection Agency and the Peanut Corporation of America as a precautionary measure.  This recall is part of that huge peanut recall from earlier this year in which some peanuts were tainted with salmonella.  Way to react, fucking greedy Hannah Montana merchandising execs.  Didn’t other affected manufacturers do this, like, weeks ago?

According to The Mayo Clinic, symptoms of salmonella can include:

nausea and vomiting

abdominal pains and diarrhea

fever

chills

muscle pains

Fuck.  I feel like that every time I hear Miley Cyrus talk.  How is a fan to discern if it’s Miley’s grating cadence or the granola bar?