Surprise, surprise.

Miley Cyrus was voted as both Favorite TV Actress and Favorite Female Singer at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards on Saturday night.

What the fuck? How did she not win for Favorite Jesus Freak? Miley was robbed!

For a full list of the (totally predictable) winners, click here.

Miley Cyrus, the Disney Channel mainstay, has been booked to host the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.

“If I had to guess, I’m thinking Nickelodeon execs are throwing their hands up and saying, ‘It is what it is,’ ” says a Disney insider. “I think they realize they don’t have a choice. They clearly know this is a show that must showcase the favorites and most popular stars for the kid audience. … We’re proud that kids have clearly said that the Disney stars and shows are (among) their favorites.”

The show tapes on Saturday.

Have you ever just wanted to watch two teenage girls high on their own fame talk into a camera about their favorite colors and other meaningless questions for over 7 minutes?

Now’s your chance!

Here’s the latest edition of the Miley & Mandy Show, a YouTube phenomenon where Miley Cyrus and her “best friend” Mandy Jiroux chat about nothing for a really long time (they’ve been “best friends” for a year but “really close” for six or seven months — what???).

Cut to around 6:13 to hear the girls proclaiming their love for Jesus Christ, and Miley reminding you all that “He died for our sins.”

OMG. Cannot wait until she goes to rehab.

Miley Cyrus sports a new ‘do as she signs autographs while leaving dinner with her mom.

One of my mother’s longtime friends is an immigrant from Poland. She has her grandchildren in town visiting this month, and my mom and I went to say hello to them today. They’re 3 and 6, both from Warsaw, and they don’t speak a word of English. (This did not prevent me from having a drawn-out pirate battle with the 3-year-old, which he won — hilariously — when his mother instructed him in Polish to quit fighting and give me a hug. He obliged, throwing his arms around my neck, then reaching to pull my hair clip from my hair and running away with it. You gotta admit when you’ve been out-smarted.)

Anyway, the 6-year-old girl had a little plastic ball with Hannah Montana’s face on it. And she couldn’t so much as say hello to me in English, but when I picked up the ball and said “Hannah Montana?” she smiled and said “Hannah Montana!” (Then the 3-year-old grabbed the ball away from me and announced, in Polish, “Mine!”).

The point is: Miley Cyrus is universal. Crazy universal. (So is being a 3-year-old boy, I suppose.)

Okay.

So I’m driving in my car the other day, listening to the radio, and this song comes on that I’ve never heard before. I love it instantly. I’m like, “This is such a cool song, I have to figure out who did it so I can get the album.” And then I hear the following lyric: “My best friend Leslie says ‘Oh, she’s just being Miley.’” And I’m like, “Oh, shit. I am totally rocking out to a Miley Cyrus song.”

Whatever. Emotionally, I’m still 11 years old anyway. I just have a big vocabulary; it’s deceiving. It figures that I’d eventually decide to dig Hannah Montana.

Here’s Miley on her way to a recording studio in LA yesterday. And I’ve included “See You Again,” my new favorite song, below.

Jailbait Miley Cyrus cuddles up to 34-year-old womanizer Mario Lopez at a taping of America’s Best Dance Crew on the Sony lot.

Run, Miley! Run as fast as your inappropriately dressed legs can take you!

Miley Cyrus doesn’t know how to use a seatbelt.

Jamie-Lynn Spears doesn’t know how to use a condom.

They’re both typical teenage mistakes, but Miley would rather you focus on her friend Jamie Lynn’s right now, so she’s happy to share her thoughts on Jamie’s pregnancy. “She’s now really excited, so I’m proud of her,” says Miley. “I think she’s done the best she can.”

Hooray teenage pregnancy!

More of it! More of it!

Miley.

We’ve talked about this.

I need you drinking.

You sure as hell better be stuffing baggies of cocaine up that dog’s asshole so you can take them on the airplane. Otherwise I’m gonna give you a serious whooping.

If you’re gonna stick around, sweetie, you need to get interesting. This Hannah Montana shit is only gonna take you so far.

Image via Splash