I hope you’re all getting into some debauchery tonight. Like I said earlier, it’s the one night of the year when you can dress like a slut, a freak, or a creep, and people won’t think you’re insane or hold you accountable. It’s just like living in Hollywood.

Celebs are taking advantage of the same opportunity. Katie Couric was spotted sporting this year’s ubiquitous Kate Gosselin costume while the hosts of the Today Show went the Luke & Leia route. Fashion designer Michael Kors dressed in a detailed hippie costume while designer Valentino (above) dressed up as an Oompah Loompah. Oh wait… that’s not a costume.

Would someone please tell me what the hell Martha Stewart and Mickey Rourke are supposed to be? I tried to figure out their costumes, but the best I could come up with was “tree trunk” and “Mickey Rourke.”

Mickey Rourke got pissed at a photog leaving Hollywood club Hyde the other night and pulled a Perez Hilton. Mickey called the guy a faggot, a completely gross word that it’s hard to believe a man who dresses as flamboyantly as he does would use, and now, of course, GLAAD is super pissed and calling him out for it.

The president of GLAAD personally issued this statement to the press calling Rourke out on his bad behavior, calling him “painfully ignorant”, amongst other things:

“This is a slur that, regardless of what Mickey Rourke has convinced himself that it means, is often the last word that gay people, and gay youth in particular, hear before they’re bullied, harassed or assaulted.  Rourke is showing himself to be painfully ignorant of how this vulgar, abusive slur feeds a climate of anti-gay hatred, intolerance and violence.  Rourke either needs to figure this out, or media needs to stop giving him a platform for promoting these kinds of slurs.” -Jarrett Barrios

Well, it’s officially t-minus two hours until Rourke drops some sort of official apology on us. He chalked up his actions last night by saying that he didn’t mean any offense to the gay community and that it was a term passed around on his high school football team with abandon, but I think we all know that that’s just another way of saying “Sorry if you were offended, but get over it.” Ohhhh, Mickey. America was loving you so hard.

Now that Mickey Rourke has rebounded and is probably somewhat flush again, it seems he’s throwing some of his newly-earned cash at his plastic surgeon … though I do find it near impossible that he’s actually paying someone to do this to his face.

Back in the ’80s, there was a show called Beauty and the Beast starring Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton.  Just from the title you can probably figure out the plot.  In a greatly abridged nutshell, Vincent the man-beast falls in love with Catherine the beauty and society doesn’t understand.

If you’re failing to see the connection, it is this:  Why is Mickey Rourke’s plastic surgeon turning him into Vincent the man-beast?

Mickey Rourke talked with the Guardian about all sorts of things such as monogamy — he can’t wait to start practicing it! — and death. 

In 2006, Mickey lost his brother Joe to a 25 year-long battle with cancer.  His grandmother, the woman who raised Rourke and his sibling, kept in touch with the deceased Joe the old fashioned way:  via Oijua board.  “My grandmother has been the most important woman in my life. I lost her about four months ago, at 99. She was incredibly well read, two books a week her entire life. She taught me the importance of being a gentleman, and how that will carry you a long way. She told me these things a million times, but maybe I didn’t listen hard enough. My brother Joe was just as fond of her. He called her four times a day his whole life. Joe died in my arms, but she still carried on speaking to him, via her Ouija board.”

Listen, Mickey, you’re a little strange and apparently your relatives are a little weird, too.  I mean, talking to your dead relatives via Ouija board is just odd.  Everyone knows that metal coat hangers are the best way to catch a signal to the afterworld.

Yes!  Please let this be true!  I know it’s only The Daily Mirror, but they are claiming that Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love have been dating for the past few weeks.  Wouldn’t it be great if these two turned into the next Bennifer?  Like, we could see them at every premiere and Waffle House opening with Red Bull cans in hand and white powder on their noses?  I can already see the OK! magazine cover of them with their crack-addicted twins and the headline, “Our Babies Changed Our Lives.”

Oh, I’m a dreamer and realistically nothing will come of these two, but I’m bored by all the couples out there now.  Everyone is happy and blissful and having twins and international adoptions and benefit parties for the environment.  I need some good old-fashioned drama.  Not Chris Brown and Rihanna drama.  I’m just craving DUI’s and hidden camera cocaine videos; I’m jonesing, really.

Dudes, that’s Courtney “Thank Christ This Wall Is Here” Love last night at the ELLE Style Awards.  What the hell happened to her?  Oh, wait, I know the answer to that.  Diet and exercise and most certainly not gastric bypass.  I’m addicted to all those TLC shows like Half Ton Mom, Half Ton Teen, Half Ton Dad and have lost entire weekends to their obesity clinic marathons.  One thing that all the bypass patients seem to experience is flabby excess skin from rapid post-surgery weight loss-kind of like Courtney has on her sides and back.  Except Love’s is due to diet and exercise-not, uh, surgery.  Nope, that shit is the result of macrobiotic living.

The rest of the night went something like this:  Anna Friel was there in a dress emblazoned with the word “NO”.  Anna, please start listening to your wardrobe; It is wise.  Mickey Rourke got all Lindsayish and started swigging clear liquid out of an Evian bottle, Pixie Geldof had severe panty lines.  Thandie Newton concluded that she was better than everyone there and Frieda Pinto wore shoulder condoms.

“I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions … I’m not attracted to him, he’s too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will.”

Evan Rachel Wood, once again shooting down rumors that she’s doing the nasty with co-star and all-around gross man Mickey Rourke.

Yes, Mickey Rourke is fucking his movie daughter, Evan Rachel Wood.  The two met on the set of The Wrestler and obviously hit it off.  Naked.  Sweet Jesus, Wood is obviously into really weird and unattractive men.  Homely dudes are the best in bed; it’s an overcompensation thing.  Unfortunately, since I got LASIK, taking out my contacts to get through ugly sex is no longer an option.

Despite all the denials, on the night of the SAG Awards they were making out at after-parties and went up to his room at the Four Seasons.  I guess that isn’t solid proof of sex; maybe they were up there being just friends and eating overpriced cashews.  Who am I kidding?  They are so having sex.  This picture says it all, doesn’t it?

Word on the street is that the Grossness That Is Mickey Rourke has nabbed the role of the villain in Iron Man 2, alongside Sam Rockwell.

A very tight lid is being kept on the script, but it is known that Rourke would play a tattooed Russian heavy named Ivan who becomes Whiplash, a man with deadly, technologically enhanced coils.

Rockwell would play Justin Hammer, a multibillionaire businessman and a rival of industrialist Anthony Stark, a.k.a. Iron Man, a role being reprised by Robert Downey Jr.

Gwyneth Paltrow is also returning as Tony Stark/Iron Man’s executive assistant, while Don Cheadle is replacing Terrence Howard as the hero’s best buddy. Another part — one for Stark’s assistant Natasha — is still open.

I really don’t care whether or not he’s a good actor. The guy just grosses me out. I hate hearing about him.

So Mickey “Class Act” Rourke — you may remember his from his role as the bad guy in the Enrique Iglesias “Hero” video — got wasted (NO SURPRISE THERE) and, when asked by the paps about rumors that he was dating Evan Rachel Wood, spouted off about “that faggot who said all that shit in the papers.” The video (which you can watch here) quickly went viral.

Now he’s all like “Whoops, that was dumb,” and issued this apology:

“I want to sincerely apologize for the derogatory word I used,” he says in a statement. “It was insensitive and inappropriate of me and I am deeply sorry that I may have offended anyone.”

Okay, Mickey. Thanks for the apology. You can go back to not mattering now.

The fun starts around 1:05, where Mickey Rourke finds a very eloquent way of denying allegations that he’s dating Evan Rachel Wood. In his words: “She’s a good friend, that’s it. And tell that faggot who said all that shit in the paper I’d like to break his fucking legs.” Classy, that guy.

Oh, and you know what fucking makes me crazy? The leggy blondes who act sooooo annoyed by the paparazzi when you know they are loving this. Like, come on, sweetie, you’re not walking around with Mickey Rourke because he has such fantastic skin. You’re there because he’s famous and you want to be with famous people and you want the whole world to know you’re with famous people. And since the best you can land is Mickey Fucking Rourke, you’re thrilled that, for just one day, the paparazzi actually give a shit about him. So don’t yell at the paps, sweetheart. It makes you look even more pathetic.

Evan Rachel Wood, age 21, just broke up with 39-year-old Marilyn Manson.

So who’s her new love?

She reportedly flew to Vegas this weekend with 56-year-old Mickey Rourke. Ewwwwwww. She was supposed to attend an event at Tao with him, but canceled at the last minute, ostensibly to avoid drawing attention to the fact that she’s porking a 56-year-old.

Daddy issues much, Evan?

She did, however, make it to an awards show in Hollywood on Sunday night, looking very — um — Dita Von Teese-ish, ahem.