Yes, yes, yes. Michael Phelps won the 200m IM today — and set a new world record while he was at it — putting him six for six in his quest for Olympic record-setting. But we all knew that would happen.

NBC ran a little clip about his body before his race. That’s not fair, NBC! Teasing us like that! And here’s the real news: Did you know that Michael wears a SIZE 14 SHOE? And that his hands are the SIZE OF PLATES? Let’s not use euphemisms here, people: this guy has an enormous penis. And I want to have sex with it.

So while he was swimming, I was thinking about how I could land him, and I stumbled on a plan. Once upon a time, I dated a rock star in LA. Here’s the deal: my roommate was hooking up with his neighbor, so we all went over to this guy’s house, and he and I start chatting, and he tells me he’s in this band and he tells me the name of the band, and I’m like, “Oh, wow, that’s nice,” thinking it’s some kind of local band. I’d never heard of it. I’m sure I acted genuinely bored with the whole “I’m in a band” thing, because, frankly, I was, but the guy was cool and really sweet and funny and had the best weed in California so I hung out with him while my roommate and her boy went off to fuck. About an hour into our conversation, I excuse myself to use the bathroom, and as I’m walking through the hall, I notice that there’s a fucking Grammy on the wall. And so I go back into the living room and I’m like, “This might be a weird question, but is your band, like, famous?” And he just kind of laughed and was like, “Yeah, sorta.” But we dated for awhile after that — it ended when he went on tour and I had no intention of trusting him around groupies, and, frankly, he had no intention of being trusted around groupies — but he told me the reason he went for me was that he could tell right away that I really didn’t know his band or that he was famous, and he liked that.

So here’s the Michael Phelps plan:

I run into him casually. Get introduced. Start with the small talk. Giggle. Then I’m gonna be all like, “Hey, you know, some friends and I were going to go kayaking this weekend if you want to come. But we’re a little short on life jackets. Do you know how to swim?”

And then, my friends, I will get me a piece of that size 14 penis.

Which is pictured here today, instead of his pelvic bone, because I just found this picture and I think it’s delightful.

Michael Phelps won the 200m butterfly on Wednesday for his fourth gold medal of this Olympics.

Heh. I’d like to butter his fly, if ya know what I mean.

So here’s your photo of his pubic bone (or, as some of you pointed out in the comments, his “pelvic” bone — I like saying “pubic”).

At that point, Mr. Phelps held the record for the most Olympic gold medals ever.

An hour later, he added another gold to that record, as the USA (with Ryan Lochte, Ricky Berens and Peter Vanderkaay) took home the top prize in the men’s 800m freestyle relay.

Michael is five for five. Three more to go.

So, um, you guys get a second photo.

I don’t know what you guys are doing tonight, but I am totally getting into the bathtub and thinking about Michael Phelps. And I’d get into more detail, but my grandfather reads this blog. Eventually I’m just going to write cheesy romance novels under a pseudonym to get this shit out of my system.

Michael Phelps took home the gold in the men’s 200m freestyle. This is his third gold in Beijing. He’s on track to winning eight gold medals at this Olympics.

So, as promised, here is yet another photo of Michael Phelps’ super sexy pubic bones.

Enjoy!

And congratulations, Michael!

Well, the women of USA gymnastics may have spent the day breaking ankles, stepping out of bounds, falling on their asses and off uneven bars, but Michael Phelps was busy winning his second gold medal in Beijing today in the men’s 400m freestyle relay. So here’s your picture of his pubic bones. Yummmmm.

Interestingly enough, Phelps actually didn’t win his split of the relay — the real hero here was Jason Lezak, who made a phenomenal comeback against France in the final split to win the whole thing by just .08 seconds. Yeah. Less than a tenth of a second decided this shit. Craziness. And France was definitely the favorite in this particular race, so it was a huge coup for the USA to take home to gold.

GO TEAM USA!

Here is my promise to you, darling readers: for every gold medal Michael Phelps wins at the Olympics, I will run a new photo of Michael Phelps’ pubic bones.

Because I’m in love with Michael Phelps’ pubic bones.

I’m in love with all of Michael Phelps.

I went to this party tonight that a girlfriend invited me to because she thought there might be some good eligible bachelors there for me. It was at a freaking gorgeous house that sat directly on the lake — and I would marry the house, probably, if that were possible — and the dude who owned it had a bunch of boats and a ton of money and so did all of his friends. The problem is, all they wanted to talk about what how many boats they had and how many houses they had and blah blah blah and it was so unbelievably obnoxious. Don’t get me wrong — there’s nothing wrong with a guy who owns boats — but if I’ve known you for less than ten minutes and you’re telling me how many boats you have — and I haven’t asked — trust me, dude, I’m not gonna fuck you. Because that’s just obnoxious. This is not to say I won’t pretend like I’m going to fuck you, so as to gain access to said boats, but I promise, bud, I’m not actually going to fuck you. It’s like they see me checking out the boats and they’re literally like “Oh, you like boats? Yeah. Boats are cool. I have five. At my house across the lake. Where are you from?” I tell them that I just moved from LA. “Oh, LA, yeah. I just sold one of my houses down there. Yeah. I have five houses.”

I mean, I bet Michael Phelps doesn’t introduce himself to chicks like, “Hi, I’m Michael. I like your necklace. I have necklaces too. Except they have Olympic gold medals on them. Yeah. I have lots of Olympic gold medals. I’m famous.”

I want a guy like Michael Phelps. At least, like the Michael Phelps I have created in my head based 100% on his pubic bones.

There was a point here.

Oh, right.

Michael Phelps kicked some ass at his first meet of the Olympics, handily taking home the gold in the 400m individual medley, and breaking the world record by over a second while he was at it.

Not bad for a day’s work.