Olympics Golden Boy and my future sex toy Michael Phelps has been harassed by every media outlet ever about his dating life, since everybody seems to want a piece of that size 14 penis these days, not to mention the gazillion dollars he’s got lined up in promotional deals at this point.

In general, though, Phelps is keeping mum about his dating life. He did, however, rule out Amanda Beard, who he’d been rumored to be boinking. “No, I’m not dating Amanda Beard,” he told Extra. “I’ll say that. I think she has a boyfriend.”

This is good news for Amanda Beard and for me, because it means that she doesn’t have to die and I don’t have to murder her. My schedule’s been hectic lately and I wasn’t sure how I was going to fit it in.

But he won’t talk at all about whether he’s seeing anyone right now. That just means the journalists are going to have to dig a little bit harder.

It’s actually a pretty long list.

I have to kill both Amanda Beard and model Lily Donaldson, both of whom Michael Phelps is rumored to be dating, but before I do that, I have to kill anyone involved in the creation of Windows Vista and the decision to install it on any fucking new laptop. From what I can tell, Windows Vista is in no way better than XP, it’s just very different and therefore impossible to navigate when you’re used to using XP. Oh, and it’s crashed twice already. Like, full-on core dump. While I was trying to do complicated things. Like connect to the Internet. Incredible. How long did Microsoft take to release this crapfest? Hopefully Bill Gates is doing a little better providing health care to children in third-world countries. Because if his track record over there is anything like fucking Vista, those kids are going to have bizarre mutations any day now. Like, the third eye won’t just be a figurative reference in rural India.

Seriously, what was wrong with XP? I hate you, Microsoft. I swore I’d never be a Mac user, but, for the first time in my life, I’m seriously considering it. I mean, if I’m gonna have to learn a new fucking OS from scratch anyway …

So anyway. Yeah. Phelps has been linked to both Amanda and Lily, both of whom I will kill so that he can be mine, all mine. But only after I get through with the folks at Microsoft.

“I think I’ve figured out Michael Phelps. He’s not from another planet. He from the future. His father made him and made a time machine. Sixty years from now he’s just an average swimmer. But he has come back to this time to mop up.”

British swimmer Simon Burnett, on Michael Phelps.

“He’s just a normal person. But he is maybe from a different planet. A planet from a different galaxy.”

Russian swimmer Alexander Sukhorukov, on Michael Phelps.

The big story right now is, of course, Michael Phelps, who took home his eighth and final gold medal at the 2008 Olympics this evening — in world-record style, of course — but this last win belongs to all four men on the USA men’s relay team: Brendan Hansen, Aaron Peirson, Jason Lezak and Michael Phelps. And, just like in the last relay, it was Jason Lezak who was the real superstar, anchoring what he started as a tight race and ending with a definitive lead.

So, for the last image of this Phelps insanity, we’re forgoing the hot pube bones and celebrating all four of these men and their achievement.

GO TEAM USA!

Don’t worry, though, there are sexy pics of Phelps in the thumbnails below. The sexiest may be the one where he reaches up in the stands to hug his mom and his sisters. Look how cute:

You know what’s missing in that picture? A girlfriend. I have edited this photo so that it more accurately reflects what you will see at the 2012 Games in London. See?

I have also created several photos that indicate what will happen later that night in 2012, but I can’t run them because my employer has all these silly rules about hard naked cocks and how they can’t be on this website. It’s very tragic because the pictures I have created are awesome.

Anyway.

CONGRATULATIONS, BOYS!!! You did our country proud.

As expected, there are plenty of Michael-Phelps-didn’t-really-win-that-race conspiracy theories abounding today. Some guy even went to the trouble of purchasing www.001ofasecond.com last night so that he could discuss the conspiracy between Michael Phelps and OMEGA clocks and whatever else.

But here’s a photo from Sports Illustrated showing the last instant of the race. As you can see, Phelps has his hand on the wall, while Milorad Cavic is thisclose to the wall but not touching it.

Phenomenal.

Thanks Claire!

Honestly, this kid could have stuck Shawn Johnson’s vault landing in the women’s all-around competition. He could have stayed on the balance beam when Alicia Sacramone fell. And he’d have put Nastia Liukin’s uneven bar routine to shame. The 2008 Olympics belong to Michael Phelps.

As the NBC announcers said, he’s magical.

Michael was in seventh place at the 50m mark in the men’s 100m butterfly.

And yet, somehow, he pulled off a win … by 1/100th of a second!

PHENOMENAL!

This kid cannot be stopped. This is his seventh gold … he tied the record and has one more race to go. Will he get eight????

He must be exhausted and sore by now. He needs a massage. I will massage the parts of his body that most need to be rubbed. And then someone else can do his back.