Now that his hard work is over, Michael Phelps is partying it up in Vegas with his boys!

Who’s he texting????

I DIDN’T GET A TEXT FROM YOU LAST NIGHT, PHELPSY!!!

WHO’S THE WHORE????

Okay guys, I have to leave now. The next flight from Seattle to Vegas leaves in an hour, and I am going to be on it. Because, hey, if I can’t land Phelps tonight, I’ll totally settle for the dude standing next to him. It’s a win/win for me!

No, no, he’s not the dude that knocked up Bristol Palin.

Think real hard and it’ll come to you.

Still stumped?

He’s that uber-hottie swimmer dude who won a bunch of gold medals at the Olympics — when was it? — last year?

But DID HE KNOCK UP BRISTOL PALIN?

No?

Then I don’t care today!

Anyway, Michael “Heart of Gold, Abs of Steel, Size 14 Penis” Phelps will be donating his $1M bonus (that he earned from Speedo for tying Mark Spitz’s record of seven gold medals) to a foundation he just started.

Appearing on TODAY, Phelps announced that the Michael Phelps Foundation will distribute his prize money to various charitable programs to promote water safety and encourage youth swimming.

“This is a way for me to really help to grow the sport,” Phelps told TODAY co-host Matt Lauer on Tuesday.

Remember, folks, you can catch Size Fourteen Phelps hosting SNL on Sept 13.

Will Bristol Palin be hosting on September 20?

No?

Then I don’t care!

Chico’s has unveiled the “Debbie Phelps Collection,” which is apparently the Chico’s clothing Ms. Phelps packed to watch her hottie son break all sorts of world records in Beijing.

I wonder if they donated all that clothing to her for the publicity.

Check out the collection here.

So I come back from my delicious (expensed!) business lunch — and a doctor’s appointment where they were running late, so that’s what took so long — to find like 8000 emails from you guys alerting me that Michael Phelps was seen making out with Australian swimmer Stephanie Rice, which is twice as many emails as I got from you guys yesterday with that information. And I love love LOVE when you guys send me tips — don’t stop! — but can we all please understand that I am intentionally ignoring this story?

Because I just invented a new universal truth: if it’s not on my blog, then it can’t be true.

THIS IS NOT TRUE!

I WON’T BELIEVE IT!

NO! NO! NO!

That is, of course, other than the I ::heart:: Evil Beet group and my own fan page. All of which you should join. Hint hint.

But someone sent along a link to a group entitled Alicia Sacramone Sucks at Gymnastics But I Still Wanna Fuck Her, and that, my friends, really sums up what the Olympics are all about in my mind. And in the minds of most Americans. I have joined the group.

And in the interest of gender parity, I have started my own group. It is called I Don’t Care About Michael Phelps’ Face, I Still Want to Butter His Fly, and I suggest you all join it ASAP, because it is the coolest group on Facebook. Aside from the ones about me.

And one final point of discussion:

Alicia Sacramone: Boob job? Yes or no? If yes, why? If no, how does she have tits?

Here are the 10 most-watched broadcast network prime-time shows for the week ended Sunday, according to Nielsen Media Research:

1. Summer Olympics (Tuesday), NBC, 34 million
2. Summer Olympics (Saturday), NBC, 31.6 million
3. Summer Olympics (Monday), NBC, 30.2 million
4. Summer Olympics (Thursday), NBC, 29.7 million
5. Summer Olympics (Wednesday), NBC, 27.7 million
6. Summer Olympics (Sunday), NBC, 27.2 million
7. Summer Olympics (Friday), NBC, 26.1 million
8. Two and a Half Men, CBS, 8.1 million
9. NCIS, CBS, 7.2 million
10. 60 Minutes, 7.1 million

On average, the viewership numbers for these Olympics are 13% higher than we saw during the Athens games.

NBC owes Mr. Phelps a thank-you note.

On the left: Vogue editrix, and the inspiration behind The Devil Wears Prada, Anna Wintour.

On the right: Greatest Olympic Athlete of Our Time … in bed … Michael Phelps.

I don’t know when or where this picture was taken, or how in God’s name these two came to be in the same room, let alone sitting directly next to each other, but we all need to start talking about it, pronto.

Go.