When I read that Michael Phelps would be traveling to China as part of a seven-figure deal to endorse the new Mazda 6 model in a series of ad campaigns and personal appearances, I just had this sudden influx of mental images of Michael Phelps and his size-fourteen penis cramped into a little Miata. Heh.

But it’s looking like it could be the largest single sponsorship deal for a Western celebrity in China’s history.

And you people can say what you want about Michael Phelps, but, twenty years from now, no one will remember his eight Olympic gold medals or the fact that he spent the following year whoring himself out to every company who would take him. But Michael Phelps will still be driving eight expensive sports cars around his own private island and fucking supermodels with the eleventy gazillion dollars he’s going to make this year. Rock on, Michael.

I just think we need to take it a step further, Michael.

It should be a slightly bigger “hat.” Deeper, really. The same color as the one you’re wearing now, just, like, capable of enveloping your entire head. I guess what I have in mind is something a little like a paper bag. Yes, that’s it. There should be a paper bag over your entire head and the rest of you should be naked. And then you would be really photogenic.

Here’s Michael Phelps signing copies of the book he “wrote,” No Limits: The Will to Succeed. I think if it were titled No Pants: The Willy Succeeds it would sell better. At least to me.

As if it weren’t enough for him to be dating some Vegas cocktail waitress, we’re hearing more and more about Michael Phelps spending WAY too much time in casinos, boozing it up and gambling his money away as he tries to become a poker champ.

FORGET the pool – once soft-spoken Olympics champ Michael Phelps has turned into a party and poker animal, surrounding himself with bimbos and booze. A source says Phelps spent much of Thanksgiving weekend playing 10-20, no-limit hold-’em at the Borgata in Atlantic City. Although a dealer reports he lost several thousand dollars on Thursday, Phelps was back at the tables Friday. Phelps, who won more than $5,000 in a tournament at Caesars in Vegas, has spent his free time hanging with poker legends like Doyle Brunson.

To some extent, I see where he’s coming from. I mean, he’s already, like, the single greatest Olympic champion in U.S. history, so there’s not much room for improvement there. He wants a new challenge, and he’s selected poker. I guess I don’t personally understand the draw of poker, but it just makes me so unhappy to think of my precious little Michael in all these casinos with floozies and low-lifes. He should be at home, cooking my dinner and giving me foot rubs, naked with an Adrian Grenier mask on.

Thanks to EB reader Ashley, who sent in this Michael Phelps sighting from Columbia, South Carolina.

As I am sure you know (because we all know that you have a GPS unit attached to him ) Michael has been in Columbia for the last few days. Well tonight my boyfriend sent me a text telling me that Michael Phelps was in his store (He’s the Ass Man at the Harbison Store here in Columbia. Ass Man read as assistant manager!!). When I called him, he said that when Michael came in, he had a baseball cap pulled down low and that he had his employee check his id to verify his identity. My boyfriend’s employee asked if he was “the Michael Phelps” and he kind of shook his head and pulled the cap down even further. My boyfriend made small talk with him and asked how he liked our football game on Saturday. (He was at the USC game against Arkansas; that would be the Gamecocks, NOT the condom named Trojans.) He said that he enjoyed the game and that it was exciting. I begged him to please get me an autograph, he said that Michael was not giving any out. His employee managed to get one autograph for the store and that was it. She also said that he wasn’t exactly the nicest person.

Awww, Michael. Be nicer to your fans! You’re not so bored of being famous when you want to hook up with cocktail waitresses in Vegas, are you?

I’ll make the same comment I always make: Not enough gratuitous shots of Michael Phelps’ penis. I don’t think I can get behind this product. But I sure as hell can get behind Michael Phelps … and in front of him, and on top of him, and on my side and in the shower and in the dressing rooms of the Speedo store and … I should stop now.

Thanks GrumpyGirl80!

Ted Casablanca’s latest blind item sure sounds a lot like my beloved:

It can be a rocky journey to the top, and no one knows this better than Finnegan Furrow-Brow. He’s been in the spotlight for years, but never had that star recognition until most recently. See, Finny’s a younger-type dude who’s been thrust upon this world of flashing lights and flashing panties simply due to his ambitious achievements (which, of course, means he’s starting to dabble in all kinds of crossover activities too, which usually happens with the young, firmly muscled and pretty popular).

F’s tight ass and adorable smile def don’t hurt his fame cred, either, but newly minted megamoney and magnified status aside, FFB isn’t exactly a traditional knockout stud. Regardless, his basically “unthreatening” demeanor gets girls into the throes of his sheets all the damn time, anyways. But…these digging damsels shouldn’t be too eager. Here’s why:

Despite Frazzy’s best ass-getting efforts, when it comes down to it, he often has difficulty knocking the cojones outta the park. Why? Oh, not because of any diss-able effort on his part—turns out, actually it’s quite the opposite, as Mr. F.B.’s predicaments usually occur because he’s such a good guy. See, he got the herp. And being the nice boy he is, he’ll always warn (hugely unlike most of his H-town counterparts, hugely) these supple potential nooky sirens that he has herpes, but not to worry cause they can “just use a condom.”

Cue girl’s exit. Almost always.

What do we think? Is this Phelpsy? Who else could it be???

Oh dear!

Thanks Jordana!

“When I go out, go to dinner, I go out with friends, and we stay to ourselves. I don’t think of myself as a sex symbol. My mom is by far the most important woman in my life.”

Michael Phelps, totally lying, in an interview with People.