I do! I do!

Unfortunately, what’s actually being auctioned is private swimming lessons with Michael Phelps … in a pool, clothed.

Michael Phelps fans are about to get the opportunity to bid on their own private swim lessons from the Olympian. Phelps, who’s on the committee for the Animal Care and Control charity event at Pressure on Thursday, agreed to auction himself off. The package will entitle two adults and a child to spend time in the pool with him and include a photo with the superstar and a limited-edition, autographed piece of memorabilia

Listen, Michael, how’s about a trade? You give me swimming lessons, and I’ll give you lessons in … well … that’s a secret for now. But here’s a hint: It’s not blogging.

Thanks Jordana!

My opinion, in general, was quite simple: NOT NAKED ENOUGH.

Honestly, though, between the Palin/Clinton sketch at the start and the Cathy bit on Weekend Update (if you find that bit on YouTube, PLEASE let me know), I hardly even noticed Phelpsy was there. Probably for the best.

I would have noticed him more if he were nakeder. And more in my bed. With his gold medals hanging around his neck and a pillow draped gently over the entirety of his face. And he would be silent except to occasionally whisper hot sexy things in my head while managing not to use any of the letters that he lisps. And he is absolutely not allowed to scream “Oh yes!” when he orgasms, because if I’m having sexual intercourse with a man and he lisps while coming, my vagina will probably fall off.

Not only will Michael “Size 14″ Phelps be appearing on SNL this weekend — he’ll be wearing a Speedo. So, ya know, SNL’s ratings will see a huge bump, much like that Speedo.

Phelps, who won a record eight gold medals, began reading through skits with the cast Wednesday night, and it’s already clear his wardrobe will be kept to a minimum, with parodies of his Olympics moments, his skimpy Speedos, his emotional mom in the stands – and even Phelps as Aquaman.

“There’s some really, really funny skits – anything you can imagine, they nailed just about every topic,” Phelps says.

And Michael Phelps knows all about nailing things.

I’ll be out of town this weekend, but you’d better believe I’ll be DVRing this. Yes, all the good skits will be on YouTube anyway, but I don’t want to miss a second of Phelpsy’s hot body. SNL’s gonna see ratings like they haven’t seen since the ’80s.

“He’s not hot at all, but supernice.”

An anonymous girl who partied with Michael Phelps after the VMAs on Sunday, to Ted Casablancas.

Mikey reportedly partied the night away, then took his entourage, along with a group of girls back to his hotel in West Hollywood. What happened next is a mystery …

Michael Phelps?

Is going to Blackoutville.

HotelChatter reports that Michael Phelps ended his crazy night in Vegas by throwing napkins at the bartender and passing out face-down on the bar.

He went in and out of Playboy Club like a swimmer with ADD (went Playboy to Moon, back to Playboy). Lots of his own fishy entourage … He went to the Mint lobby bar had a shot — was seen throwing napkins at the bartender and ended up face down on the bar.

Hey, at least he was in Vegas and not driving. Remember that DUI he got a few years ago? Hopefully Michael can reign things in a bit now that he’s very much in the public eye and a role model for lots of young kids. Get shitty wasted in Vegas in six months, buddy, not now. You’ll still be able to toss your cock in anything you want, but the media won’t be all over it.

Oh Mikey!!!!

I told you I was flying out to Vegas to be with you TONIGHT!

But you couldn’t wait that long, could you?

And do you know how I found these pictures?? Do you know??? From a commenter named “anon69″!!! Was that you, Michael? Was that your idea of a fucking joke? NOT FUNNY, ASSHOLE.

Sigh.

Radar got these pics of Mikey at The Playboy Club in The Palms last night.

“It was unreal,” says the photographer. “Within moments of entering the club he summoned two girls over… I’ve never seen such an aggressive grip.”

Oh, Michael. That aggressive grip was supposed to be for me. I can’t believe you betrayed me like this. After all (the condoms) we’ve been through in my fantasies!

Sad, sad, sad. I may have to return to lusting over Adrian Grenier and Adam Duritz. Both of whom, I’m sure, have never ever grabbed the ass of a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas.

Now that his hard work is over, Michael Phelps is partying it up in Vegas with his boys!

Who’s he texting????

I DIDN’T GET A TEXT FROM YOU LAST NIGHT, PHELPSY!!!

WHO’S THE WHORE????

Okay guys, I have to leave now. The next flight from Seattle to Vegas leaves in an hour, and I am going to be on it. Because, hey, if I can’t land Phelps tonight, I’ll totally settle for the dude standing next to him. It’s a win/win for me!

No, no, he’s not the dude that knocked up Bristol Palin.

Think real hard and it’ll come to you.

Still stumped?

He’s that uber-hottie swimmer dude who won a bunch of gold medals at the Olympics — when was it? — last year?

But DID HE KNOCK UP BRISTOL PALIN?

No?

Then I don’t care today!

Anyway, Michael “Heart of Gold, Abs of Steel, Size 14 Penis” Phelps will be donating his $1M bonus (that he earned from Speedo for tying Mark Spitz’s record of seven gold medals) to a foundation he just started.

Appearing on TODAY, Phelps announced that the Michael Phelps Foundation will distribute his prize money to various charitable programs to promote water safety and encourage youth swimming.

“This is a way for me to really help to grow the sport,” Phelps told TODAY co-host Matt Lauer on Tuesday.

Remember, folks, you can catch Size Fourteen Phelps hosting SNL on Sept 13.

Will Bristol Palin be hosting on September 20?

No?

Then I don’t care!