Phelpsy and I have a cosmic connection. Let me explain: I was in a nasty car crash last week. Then, tonight, I was at this dueling piano bar and there was this totally wasted chick and she was hanging over all these guys, but there was this one she was paying the most attention to, and I realized his face looked exactly like Michael Phelps, but his body wasn’t exactly Phelpsy quality. And then I turned to my girlfriend and relayed my observation. And then I Twittered it, because when I have an important thought like that, it’s crucial the world know immediately.

But then I started getting all these tweets back alerting me to the fact that Michael Phelps got in a car wreck tonight! ZOMG! Phelpsy was practically in my bar and then he got in a car wreck just like me and this is definitive proof that we are soulmates.

Phelpsy’s Cadillac hit a Honda Accord and what sounds like a third parked car. Nobody was seriously injured and, shockingly enough, police say there was no sign alcohol was involved. Good for you, Phelpsy! Driving sober for once!

Ohhh Phelpsy! Why do you continue to trample upon our love? We have such an amazing thing going on here, me with my undying love and respect for you, and you with your Size 14 penis. It’s the perfect relationship. And yet you seem intent on throwing your wee-wee into anything you meet at a strip club. Take this chick, who’s talking to News of the World about the threesome she and another stripper had with you last year.

Apparently this young woman was impressed with Phelpsy’s stamina (Duh! He’s an Olympic athlete!) but says he chews tobacco constantly (Ew!) and has a whole bunch of chicks he hooks up with on a regular basis. Also he refused to take her to a nice restaurant, instead inviting her to dine with him at Taco Bell. “That was it,” she said. “He just bought me some soft tacos. No romantic candlelit dinner. He HAD said he’d take me to The Capital Grille which is one of the city’s swankiest restaurants, but it never happened.”

Listen, sweetheart. You’re obviously the kind of girl who will bang him and then talk about it to News of the World. You’re Taco Bell quality! Phelpsy, when you and I finally make our love a reality, I promise I will not talk to any newspapers about it. I may mention it on this teensy tiny little blog I have, but that’s all! Promise!

Oh, happy day! After Miss California was all like, “Well I miiiight be dating Michael Phelps, but I’m not telling because I’m a douchebag,” Phelpsy himself stepped in to deny the rumors. BAM! BITCH GOES DOWN!

“I’m not dating anybody,” he said Wednesday at the opening of the Omega flagship boutique in NYC. “I’m single. My private life stays private.”

And as for her answer to the gay marriage question?

“That’s the cool thing about America – everybody has their opinion,” he said. “I’m not saying I support her. I’m not saying I don’t support her.” Oh, come on, Phelpsy! You should openly support gay marriage! If someone wants to be legally wed to a size 14 penis, they should be granted that right, regardless of whether they’re man or woman.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump — who owns the Miss Universe organization — is finally weighing in on the controversy. “Miss California has done a wonderful job, that was her belief,” he said. “It wasn’t a bad answer, that was simply her belief.” Trump added that Prejean’s question was “a bit unlucky,” arguing that no matter how she answered the question “she was going to get killed.” Agreed.

Listen, it’s no secret around here that I’m pro-gay-marriage (which I like to call being pro-equal-rights). So of course I firmly disagreed with Miss California’s decision to speak out against gay marriage in the Miss USA competition last night. I vehemently disagree with Carrie Prejean, but it took balls for her to stay true to her beliefs in a room that you better believe was jam-packed with gay men. I suppose there is a teeeeensy tiny bit of credit due there. She tells Access Hollywood today: “I stated an opinion that was true to myself and that’s all I can do. It is a very touchy subject and he [Perez] is a homosexual and I see where he was coming from and I see the audience would’ve wanted me to be more politically correct. But I was raised in a way that you can never compromise your beliefs and your opinions for anything.” Personally, I think that every now and then it’s okay to compromise your beliefs when they imply that an entire class of citizens should be treated as lesser because of who they choose to love. But that’s just me.

You know what’s even less of a secret than my support for gay marriage? MY LOVE FOR MICHAEL PHELPS. And this is where Carrie Prejean and I are really going to have a problem. She’s dating him. THAT HATEFUL BITCH. Access Hollywood bugged her to talk about him, but she demured. “He is a great man,” she says, adding, “We can talk about that a different day.”

Hey, Carrie Prejean, I’m gonna go ahead and introduce some legislation that bans beauty queens from marrying anyone I have a crush on. I just think it’s so wrong. It disgusts me. That’s just what I was raised to believe, so look for it on your 2010 ballot.

Yes, of course Phelpsy’s mom “wrote” a book. She has definitely earned a book deal. Look what her vagina has accomplished! All those laps in the Olympic pool were practically being swum by her labia. The book is called A Mother for All Seasons, and of course right now her media machine is hyping it up by focusing on what is probably the only even marginally interesting portion of this opus — Michael Phelps’ painfully persistent drug and alcohol problem.

In A Mother for All Seasons, Debbie Phelps speaks out for the first time about her shock at seeing the human side of her golden boy, when Star released pictures of Michael smoking pot in January, Debbie was “not happy” about his “disappointing, uncharacteristic behavior,” she writes. But the bust was also “déjà vu all over again.” Michael’s 2004 DUI arrest had been her first major disappointment as a mom.

“Nothing like this had ever happened with him,” Debbie writes. “It was unreal — like something out of a horror movie — with TV clips of jail cell doors slamming ominously shut, dooming the life and career of one golden boy turned loser.”

But, Debbie says, she never blamed Michael — only herself. “I was sure that I could have done something to better prepare Michael to make better choices.” And after the details of the incident emerged, she says, she had more understanding. “He actually had tried to get someone else to drive after he had a few drinks,” Debbie reveals. “Apparently someone in the crowd made a crack about not giving the keys to his brand-new Range Rover to someone else.”

In the end, however, the details didn’t matter. “Michael was clearly mortified.” And Debbie had to take a week off of work. “I stayed out of sight, hibernating at a friend’s house, crying my eyes out.”

I can completely understand how awful this experience must have been for Debbie, but I’m firmly of the belief that all the mothering in the world can’t change the way your children interact with substance, and how they behave when they’re under the influence. You can set a good example and you can let them know the facts, but that’s where your role ends. These were Michael’s choices, and it’s so sad that his mother had to suffer as a result. Hopefully it will result in him making better choices in the future, although somehow I doubt that. We’ll see another DUI out of that Phelps kid yet, mark my words.

Hey, Mom! When are you going to write a book about raising me??? That shit’ll put Debbie Phelps’ drama to SHAME! (To this day, my mother insists that I was a very easy teenager to raise. This is because my mother has repressed those memories. I was about as easy to raise as Hugh Hefner’s penis. It took a team!) I keep telling my mother she should have a weekly column on here. She always says no. Maybe I should have my grandpa do one? He has OPINIONS.

Hoorah! Micheal Phelps is free to swim once again after his pot-induced suspension. He came out of the incident mostly unharmed, only losing one endorsement (Kellogg’s) but he’s “angry” about how the incident was portrayed in the tabloids. If he was angry about that, imagine how pissed he’s gonna be in a few months with the ish is legal anyway! When asked about how he felt about the media reaction Phelps said

“I have come to realize that people want to bring you up but more people want to bring you down.”

Wise words from a wise man a.k.a a ripper of massive bongs. This is the exact kind of philosophical verbal meandering that people spew after smoking a fatty. I’m just hope he’ll just do it in his basement/garage with a tiny window cracked like a normal person as opposed to at a crowded college party.

We love you, Phelps! Welcome Back!

What was that problem he was having last week?

Hmmmm.

I can’t recall.

Holy shit.  Yeah, I get that pot is illegal, but does anyone thing that this has just escalated to an unreal level?  Even the governor of South Carolina thinks it’s meaningless.

Eight people were arrested this week in connection with the Michael Phelps bong incident-seven with possession and one with distribution.  Police confiscated the bong that some its owner tried to sell on Ebay for $100,000.

Phelps has not been charged yet, even though he’s the one person in the photograph who is actually taking a hit.  Stay tuned.  Beet, get the bail money ready.

Despite the rumors swirling about Subway dumping merman Phelps, their rep came out and denied the story.

“Like most Americans, and like Michael Phelps himself, we were disappointed in his behavior,” Megan Driscoll, the rep for Subway, tells Usmagazine.com. “Also like most Americans, we accept his apology. Moving forward, he remains in our plans.”

Look at that devilish grin on Phelpsy! He knows what’s up! He’s going to be chillaxin with Tommy Chong and munching foot longs for the next 3 months. Except this time, he’ll do it in the privacy of his own basement.

First Kellogg’s, now Subway. Apparently after his run-in with the wacky tobacky, Subway doesn’t want Michael Phelps’ foot-long anywhere near theirs. (Get it? That was a penis joke.)

Exclusive! Subway has officially de-linked Michael Phelps as they prepare to drop his recently announced sponsorship deal. Before Michael’s bong hits hit the headlines, Michael Phelps was featured on the Subway web site. However, since the swimmer’s pothead scandal, Subway has removed all links to pages featuring the Olympic swimmer (see below).

Confidentially, the Subway webteam gave us the heads up — Michael Phelps has been remmed out, de-linked, due to his recent one toke over the line. Other Subway “celebrity friends” are still listed, like Jared, Ryan Howard and Reggie Bush — but they have been told to officially de-link all references featuring Michael …

In an e-mail from Subway spokeswoman Megan Driscoll, she said: “Subway is not commenting or releasing a statement right now on Michael Phelps.” However, in de-linking all references to Michael Phelps, this is Subway corporate as they prepare for dropping their sponsorship. Our insider told us Subway execs are pissed off, talking to legal, want their endorsement money returned — and to “get rid of this embarrassment.”

I wonder if Phelpsy is sorry he ever even copped to this shit. He could have just been like, “Listen, I was smoking plain tobacco out of the pipe,” and it would have been total and complete bullshit, and we all would have known it, but, fuck, if Paris Hilton can go on Larry King and say she’s never done drugs, Michael Phelps can too, right? He probably could have saved his endorsements that way.

Oh, Michael. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this. You can pour your dressing on my roast beef any day, baby.

I’m sure Phelpsy is crying his little eyes out and wiping them with marijuana leaves, because USA Swimming has suspended him for three whole months. I don’t even know what this means. I assume it means he can’t compete, which I assume he is absolutely fine with, because mostly what he wants to do right now is get high and fuck cocktail waitresses. Oh, and they cut off their financial support to Phelps for the same three-month period, effective Thursday. I’m sure this is very hard on Michael, too, because he is deeply dependent on the thousand dollars a month USA Swimming throws his way. It gets deposited every month in the bank account titled “Phelpsy’s Hundred Million Dollars from Endorsements” and he has no idea how he’ll make rent without it.

“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero,” the federation said in a statement.

Seriously, kids, don’t do drugs or you might accidentally win eight Olympic gold medals over the course of two weeks and get hundreds of millions of dollars in endorsement deals … and then a teensy tiny slap on the wrist from an organization that worships you as a deity.

Oh, and apparently Kellogg’s dropped him, too.

Hey, Michael, if you need someone to console you, you should come to my house. I will suspend your penis inside my vagina for three months.

Thanks archphoenix!

Oh noes!

Even though his gazillion sponsors don’t seem to care that Michael “Size Fourteen” Phelps admitted to taking giant bong rips at a party in South Carolina this fall, the South Carolina authorities may not let him get off that easy.

South Carolina authorities in the county where Michael Phelps was spotted smoking from a marijuana pipe say they are considering a criminal charge against the Olympic superstar.

Lt. Chris Cowan said Tuesday that Richland County sheriff’s investigators are gathering more information about the photo, which showed the swimmer inhaling from a marijuana pipe.

Cowan did not specify what charge was being considered and declined to discuss details of the investigation.

Hey, Phelpsy?

You know who’ll let you get off easy?

Me.

In bed.

And that is all I have to say about this matter.

Thanks Lacy!