Hi guys! I’m back from vacay! Which was wonderful! But you know how awful it is when you get the most relaxing massage ever and then get in your car to head home and hit terrible traffic? And you’re like “Fuckin’ a, this shit just un-did all my relaxation?”

Michael Lohan is my traffic jam.

What kind of parasitic slime uses the death of his own father to diss his ex-wife, lie about his daughter and satiate his sick need for fame?

Oh, yes. Michael Lohan.

So Michael’s father (Lindsay’s grandfather) died, he issued this statement to OK! magazine:

“My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina’s attorney. Let’s see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral. THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that’s par for the course with Dina! She didn’t even send a card or visit when he was sick.”

OMG! Does he even realize how fucking insane this sounds? Allow me to explain:

Michael Lohan’s To-Do List After Death of Father:

1) Call Michael Jr.
2) Call Lindsay
3) Call Ali
4) Call Cody
5) Call OK! magazine
6) Photograph dead father from several angles in case anyone’s interested in buying the pics

This man is SICK SICK SICK.

And then he sells this bullshit to E!:

“I was holding him, laying in bed with him, when he died. Lindsay did reach out to me. She sent me a message this morning. She said, ‘Now papa has found peace and maybe we can find peace in our lives, too.’ “

This comes just a day after Lindsay publicly begged her father to keep the media out of her life.

So Lindsay’s taking to her MySpace blog to fight back. Today, she writes:

just going to put it out there, i have had no contact with my father.
and i hope he uses this time to keep mourn the loss of his father, rather than taking the time to talk to the media about me or anyone in my life.
better he just keeps his mouth shut.

on another note-
im having fun on the set of Ugly Betty, the cast is great, the crew is great, and it’s nice to be at work, doing what i love to do!

xoxox

Listen, Lindsay, some free advice: Have your publicist contact every major tabloid publication out there: OK!, People, E!, News of the World, InTouch, everyone. Tell them that anyone who runs a quote from or story about Michael Lohan will never, ever, at any point in the future, receive a quote, an interview or any manner of exclusive with you. You’re the one who’s actually famous here, sweetie. Take back control.

Michael Lohan announced today that he’s engaged to his 24-year-old girlfriend, Erin Muller.

And, as long as people are paying attention to him, he has a few more things he’d like to get off his chest. Specifically, some ranting about Samantha Ronson:

“I’m not happy,” he says. “Ever since [Lindsay] got out of rehab and all these people came back into her life, things haven’t been right … People like Samantha Ronson don’t need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn’t be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it’s not right. I’m done with them.”

Uh, Michael? Ever since you got out of Lindsay’s life and Samantha got in, Lindsay’s been out of the headlines. In fact, you’ve been the most scandalous Lohan family member for nearly the entirety of this year. So, ya know, shut up.

“I haven’t heard anything (about an upcoming wedding) from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my (Christian) faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

Michael “Bad Person” Lohan, on rumors that Sam and Lindsay might be tying the knot.

So I guess the company that Michael Lohan asked to do his paternity test to determine whether that Ashley chick is his daughter says that they can’t process the request without a court order.

“I got a letter saying I need something from the court before they’ll process anything,” said Lohan. “And I didn’t get that before. So, now I have to go back to my attorney.”

This seems fishy to me. I don’t think you need a court order to do a paternity test. I’m sure they don’t get court orders for all those episodes of Montel titled “You’re My Baby Daddy! And I’ll Prove It!”

Michael still wants to act like he’s not this little girl’s father.

“The timing is just off,” Lohan said in a previous interview. “If she’s mine, I’ll take responsibility. But I wasn’t with her nine months before Ashley was born.”

But he’s totally full of shit. We don’t even need a DNA test. Apparently the video of little Ashley soon-to-be Lohan on ET has been yanked from YouTube, but the girl looked freakin’ identical to Michael. She’s totally his kid.

“I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media. It’s not attractive to me, it really upsets me and I wish he would stop. … I love my father. I just don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing. It’s a weird situation, very odd.”

Lindsay Lohan, on the Billy Bush Show.

Amen, sister!

Maybe this is what it takes to get that man to shut up.

I’m engaging in my typical afternoon activity — flipping through paparazzi pics while eating Honey Nut Cheerios — and I come across these shots of Papa Lohan and his girlfriend Erin and I’m like, “Ooh! New pics of Erin! Yay!” And then I’m like, “Oh, God, did I really just think that?” This girl is like three steps removed from genuine celebrity. And yet, somehow, I care. I guess that’s why this is my job, right?

Little is known about the elusive Erin — she’s an insurance agent and a licensed esthetician (fancy-speak for “manicurist”), and the two met at a Long Island coffee bar, where they were both talking to the same pastor. Wow. Maybe that’s how I need to land a guy: talk to more pastors in coffee bars.

People like to talk a lot of shit about how Erin looks really young and looks just like Lindsay, but I call bullshit on all that. She looks much older than 21, and she doesn’t look a thing like Lindsay.

Okay. Back to my exciting life of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Michael Lohan helps feed the homeless to help kick off 2007 Thanksgiving Week in New York.

Why the hell were photographers there?

Fame. Whore.

Lindsay is in NYC, too, to spend time with her family for the holiday. She’s still staying out of the spotlight, though. Wish we could say the same about her father.