“I haven’t heard anything (about an upcoming wedding) from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my (Christian) faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

Michael “Bad Person” Lohan, on rumors that Sam and Lindsay might be tying the knot.

So I guess the company that Michael Lohan asked to do his paternity test to determine whether that Ashley chick is his daughter says that they can’t process the request without a court order.

“I got a letter saying I need something from the court before they’ll process anything,” said Lohan. “And I didn’t get that before. So, now I have to go back to my attorney.”

This seems fishy to me. I don’t think you need a court order to do a paternity test. I’m sure they don’t get court orders for all those episodes of Montel titled “You’re My Baby Daddy! And I’ll Prove It!”

Michael still wants to act like he’s not this little girl’s father.

“The timing is just off,” Lohan said in a previous interview. “If she’s mine, I’ll take responsibility. But I wasn’t with her nine months before Ashley was born.”

But he’s totally full of shit. We don’t even need a DNA test. Apparently the video of little Ashley soon-to-be Lohan on ET has been yanked from YouTube, but the girl looked freakin’ identical to Michael. She’s totally his kid.

“I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media. It’s not attractive to me, it really upsets me and I wish he would stop. … I love my father. I just don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing. It’s a weird situation, very odd.”

Lindsay Lohan, on the Billy Bush Show.

Amen, sister!

Maybe this is what it takes to get that man to shut up.

I’m engaging in my typical afternoon activity — flipping through paparazzi pics while eating Honey Nut Cheerios — and I come across these shots of Papa Lohan and his girlfriend Erin and I’m like, “Ooh! New pics of Erin! Yay!” And then I’m like, “Oh, God, did I really just think that?” This girl is like three steps removed from genuine celebrity. And yet, somehow, I care. I guess that’s why this is my job, right?

Little is known about the elusive Erin — she’s an insurance agent and a licensed esthetician (fancy-speak for “manicurist”), and the two met at a Long Island coffee bar, where they were both talking to the same pastor. Wow. Maybe that’s how I need to land a guy: talk to more pastors in coffee bars.

People like to talk a lot of shit about how Erin looks really young and looks just like Lindsay, but I call bullshit on all that. She looks much older than 21, and she doesn’t look a thing like Lindsay.

Okay. Back to my exciting life of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Michael Lohan helps feed the homeless to help kick off 2007 Thanksgiving Week in New York.

Why the hell were photographers there?

Fame. Whore.

Lindsay is in NYC, too, to spend time with her family for the holiday. She’s still staying out of the spotlight, though. Wish we could say the same about her father.

After battling ex-wife Dina Lohan in court to get visitation rights with his children, Michael Lohan issued the following statement:

“I look forward to order being restored to the chaos that our family life has become. Lyndsay, Michael, Ali and Cody need stability and both of their parents in their lives. I am anxious to spend time with them and end this cruel, needless separation.”
— Michael Lohan

For additional info or to speak with Michael contact the following:

Leslie Kellner Taylor
Big Machine Media
575 Lexington Ave.; 4th Floor
New York, NY 10022
Ph: [REDACTED]

This statement has everyone up in arms, because, of course, Lindsay’s name is not spelled “Lyndsay,” and, as her father, he should probably know this.

Look, I’m not about to throw my full support behind Michael “Shoe Assault” Lohan, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the misspelling is the fault of one Leslie Kellner Taylor, who was all too happy to sign her work.