That’s the problem with famewhores: They will team up with you to try and gain relevance and stab you in the back once it benefits them. Trust me, I deal with it all the time. There’s paparazzi parked outside my house right now. I mean, can’t a girl just walk her dog or get a damn latte without being inundated by flashbulbs and TLC and everyone wanting to know if I’m dating James Franco again? God! Fame is so crazy and fickle!

ANYWAY! TLC’s lawsuit against Jon Gosselin and they’re pulling out all the stops. The other day Jon’s trashy girlfriend Haily Glassman got her subpoena and today Michael Lohan got his. Oh, this is going to be more delicious than a number six value meal from Wendy’s. I can already feel it in my bones!

Michael’s input is important because two knuckle heads had been scheming together on some plans for endorsements, book deals. Michael said that he knew something was fishy with Jon, because he’d vacillate on his ability to get involved with such projects due to his TLC contract.

Lohan also quickly copped to the fact that Jon had taken cash money (aka not documented) for several appearances and gigs that were also in breach of his contract. Sounds like these two were really close, huh?

I’m just going to stop talking about the Lohan battle of the written word after today, because they have definitely entered Gosselin territory.  Michael Lohan released random, recorded phone call tapes to Radar Online and RO has deftly crafted a major “Exclusive Breaking News” type of story out of them.  Every.  Day.

If you’ve been smart enough to avoid all the updates, let me get you up to speed.  Michael wants Linds in rehab.  Linds doesn’t want to go.  Dina tried to get Linds to go.  Linds punched Dina in the face.  Michael thinks that cocaine God is punishing Linds, stripping her of her career, as retribution for all the lies she tells.  Lies that include Linds’ Twitter account of all the gory details of her parent’s marriage.  All of America doesn’t give a crapness about any of it and is actually craving a Gosselin brawl right about now.

In other words, the Lohans are fucking nuts.  Hollywood needs to capture this in a new reality show.  Like, they could lock all the Lohans in the Dr. Phil house for a long weekend — Gah!  Dr. Phil would love to get a piece of that action — and let them have at it (in front of cameras, of course) until a winner is declared.  And I think we all know who that winner would be:  Linds’ brother, Michael Lohan Jr. who is absolutely the sanest of that bunch.

Last night, Beet told us about the tapes Daddy Lohan released of a crying Lindsay.  It’s just such personal stuff, and you wonder how a parent can expose such material just to prove his “rightness.”  Wonder no more; he isn’t finished.  In today’s installment of “Michael Douchan is Telling the Truth”, he has released tapes — click here to listen — of Dina speaking to Michael in 2008 in which she claimed that when she tried to get Lindsay into rehab, LL punched her in the face.

I don’t know if any of these “revelations” will get Lindsay sober, but they sure as hell ensure that she’s probably never going to speak to her father again.

OMG, Michael Lohan is such a dickwad. Unbelievable dickwad. He released these audio tapes of his daughter sobbing hysterically on the phone as “proof” that she needs help and is in a “fragile state.”

Lindsay claimed on her Twitter that the tapes are several years old and that Michael edited them.

I don’t know if that’s true or not, but what this sounds like to me is the voice of a very sad young woman who’s calling her father for support. Lord knows that, on really rough days, I’ve called my own father sounding like that. Not because I was on drugs, not because I needed an intervention, not because I needed the media butting into my life, but because, ya know, people have really rough days, and they lean on their parents during those days. And the fact that Michael recorded and released something like this is BEYOND despicable. He’s just the lowest form of human life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — it’s a goddamn wonder Lindsay turned out as well as she did with this slime in her life as a role model. My heart completely breaks for her.

Lindsay, I’ll amend your tweet: Your father needs lessons in how to be a fucking HUMAN.

“I am going to go to court to get a legal conservatorship to get Lindsay into rehab and finally get her off all the prescription meds. [Wife] Dinais going to sit down with me and the lawyers and make things right for Lindsay. She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

Michael Lohan– we should really start a “Guess Who Said It?” feature here at EB.  Even if I deleted the names, would there have been any question who said this?  – continuing to protect his daughter’s privacy by telling Entertainment Tonight that his daughter looks like a centenarian.

“It could be a year, a month, a week – who knows?

– Michael Lohan on how soon he expects his daughter to die now that she’s supposedly addicted to various prescription medicines.

Michael Lohan is busy blabbing to RadarOnline about Lindsay again.  Not really surprising since he doesn’t really have anything else to discuss.  Anyway, in his newest bid to solve all Lindsay’s problems — hey, I thought he was going to work with the LAPD to get LL’s stolen jewels back?? — he’s going to stage an intervention.

Now, I don’t know too much about interventions, though I did have a couple family members gently suggest that I turn off the CW if Mischa was really upsetting me to such an intense level, but are you supposed to let the addict know ahead of time that they’re about to be shipped off to rehab?

“I had a conversation with her, her mother and everyone…over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing things in a pretty public way,” Michael Lohan told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

“But Dina has got to get on the same page with me. It’s a serious situation. You can’t just talk about it and tell me that you want to do an intervention and then do nothing.”

Happily, Daddy Lohan finally admits to parenting through the press:  “When Lindsay doesn’t adhere or listen to what I say about serious situations, I feel I have to speak publicly to put pressure on her.  If she doesn’t take my advice and do what I say…the more pressure I put on her, the  more likely she is to eventually do the right thing.”

Good luck, Linds.  You’re going to need it — not just in overcoming your substance issues but also in finding a way to quit these waste-of-space parents you’ve been bestowed.

Kelly told us this weekend about how Lindsay Lohan’s house had been burgled … again.  Well, stalker Daddy Lohan is inserting himself into the situation getting involved.

“I am coming into town to work with private investigators in order to gather evidence which will be turned over to LAPD and the detectives assigned to the case,” Lohan told E! News.

“This time, these evildoers will be caught.”

And with Papa Lohan on the case, no one seems to have higher hopes for swift justice than, well, Papa Lohan himself, who apparently is both mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore.

“If we are fortunate, we just might find out who the culprits were from the other thefts as well,” he said.

“My children are not going to be subject to violations of this or any kind any longer. Especially when they always give to others, and it seems some of these very individuals are the ones behind these crimes.

“Dina and I are finished with this nonsense.”

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of the LAPD when Michael Lohan comes bounding into town like a modern-day Zorro, ready to assist in the investigation.  Isn’t Michael Lohan … a felon?  He needs to go back to helping Jon Gosselin get a pilot and stop this charade of trying to appear like he cares about his daughter.

The good news is that I expect his involvement in this to go much the same as when he vowed to have any and all druggies that were around his daughter arrested.  In other words, a whole lot of hot air and absolutely no action.  I just wish Dina and Michael Lohan would bottle up all this passion they have for thwarting evildoers and direct it toward getting their kid healthy.

Have you ever noticed that Michael Lohan is really good at focusing on anyone’s problems but his own?  He’s still holed up with Jon Gosselin and Star reporter “Kate Major-ly Insane” on Long Island and has now taken on the responsibility of speaking on Jon’s behalf.  I’d have to say that Michael Lohan is the last person that I’d want talking to People — to anyone — about me, my kids, or my relationships.  The last.  

Even as Jon Gosselin prepares for divorce, he hopes to remain close to his wife Kate, mom to their eight kids, according to pal Michael Lohan. 

“He would love to be friends with her,” says Lohan, the estranged father of Lindsay Lohan, who’s been showing Gosselin around the Hamptons. “They had eight kids and he would like to work things out the right way and just be friends.” 

The new buddies spent Saturday in Southampton, attending a business meeting, walking on the beach – where they were met by paparazzi – and shopping at a J. Crew store for clothes to wear to a polo match in Bridgehampton that afternoon. 

“A lot of opportunities are opening up for him,” Lohan says of his friend, referring to possible endorsement deals. 

Lohan also says Gosselin is in a good mood these days. “He’s fantastic and upbeat and said that he just wanted to concentrate on his kids and his career and his life,” he said. “It’s overwhelming for him but he’s handling it.” 

As for for Gosselin’s gal pal Hailey Glassman and the former Starmagazine reporter Gosselin’s been spotted with, Kate Major, “he’s not with either one right now,” Lohan reports. “He’s not concentrating on a relationship with any woman. He just wants to take a step back and deal with his family and his kids.” 

Now that Michael Lohan has found his way back into the spotlight, sources are coming out to People to say that Lohan needs to focus on the $12,000 he owes in back child support instead of attending polo matches with some reality-television dad-to-many.  

It’s hard to believe that there are any underage Lohans, but Ali is 15 and Dakota is 13.  I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t know there was a Dakota Lohan.  

Michael, the man who has an answer for everything, responded to the allegations.”That’s a total lie. I pay Dina and the kids cash all the time.”  Paying court ordered child support?  Not a good idea.

I truly hope Michael Lohan isn’t counseling Jon Gosselin on relationships.  Or parenting.  Or wardrobe.

… Michael Lohan is involved.

Yes, that Michael Lohan. You know he’s been salivating from the start of this, trying to figure out how best to exploit Jon’s naivete and worm himself into this story. Mission accomplished!

Yes, we all know that Jon Gosselin took Hailey Glassman to France last week, but this week he has a new girl on her arm. She’s Kate Majors, a reporter for Star, which wasted absolutely no time in getting her to confess to their coupledom. “I didn’t mean it to happen, it just did,” she says. “I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him.”

My Lord, Kate Majors, your romantic life jumped straight off a porn set, drove from Malibu to New York in shiny-ass Cadillac, and bumped right into you, didn’t it? Wait … is that why your face looks that way?

And now, enter from stage left, Michael Lohan, who invited the twosome to chill with him at his place in the Hamptons on Wednesday. And Jon Gosselin, who is clearly uninterested in consulting with any professionals as regards his “image” or “career” or “future court dates,” accepted. He took the little girl to the Hamptons with MICHAEL LOHAN.

“Jon is a friend, he’s a great guy, he needed a place to get away to, and my doors were open to him and Kate Major,” Lohan says. “Jon and Kate [Major] are good friends of mine. She’s with him. Kate’s like a daughter to me. When she needed a place my doors were open.”

OMG. I don’t even want to think about the relationship Kate Major may have had with Michael Lohan before any of this went down. In fact, now I’m thinking it may have been Michael Lohan who instructed Kate Major to hook up with Jon and then take him to the Hamptons, so that Michael Lohan could become a part of this story. It’s just plain crazy.

Really, though, this plot has turned out so much better than anything I could have scripted, and I have a feeling it’ll continue to blossom beautifully. I mean, if Michael Lohan’s involved, you know Lindsay and Paris can’t be far behind. Come on, Universe. I’m asking nicely.

Michael Lohan continues his trail of crazy.  On March 18th, after his fiancee broke up with him again, he called her and threatened to kill her and himself.  Apparently the dummy didn’t know that murder-suicide threats are kind of against the law.

He wasn’t arrested until April 6th (This picture of them was taken on April 1st — so post-threat and pre-arrest.) and appeared in court yesterday.  His lawyer appeared on his behalf to answer the charges that could land Lohan in jail for a year.  Thankfully, his parole had expired a few weeks before he told his girlfriend he was going to off her.  That’s an example of good timing.

In other legal woes, Lohan will also appear in a Westbury court today to explain why he’s $12,000 behind in child support payments

Huh, who would have thought that Lindsay would be logging less time in the courts than her dad in 2009?

Michael Lohan is at it again-more talk about his daughter Lindsay and how he is going to be the one to save her.  Remember that promise he made to keep their private family business out of the media?  Yeah, he doesn’t either.

Lindsay Lohan could end up even worse off than Britney Spears, the troubled actress’ father has said.

Former Wall Street trader Michael Lohan says the Mean Girls star is spiraling into a personal disaster even worse than that of the Toxic hitmaker – and is now pleading with his famous daughter to see sense before it is too late and split from her lesbian partner Samantha Ronson.

He says, “She’s [Ronson] using her and bringing her around the wrong places.

“No matter where they go in the world, where Samantha drags Lindsay to her little DJ events, there’s always a big blow-up. Ever since Lindsay left rehab where she really got her life back together, Samantha has come back into her life and in it all went wrong for her.

“Lindsay was very vulnerable and Samantha seized on that and manipulated her.”

Now Michael is hoping to follow Britney’s dad’s example and take control of his daughter’s affairs.

He adds, “Finally Britney’s father did take control and she got her life back together.

“But Britney didn’t have Samantha Ronson in her life. Lindsay is my daughter and I love her but I’m not there to be a friend, I’m here to be a parent.

“If Lindsay doesn’t like that or is angered by what I have to say, quite frankly I don’t care because.” [sic]

It’s amazing to me, because if he just shut the fuck up and actually did something, Linds would probably be in a better place right now.  Instead, Mike has to blog, preach and tweet about the parenting he so intends to do.

His newest plan sounds like he is seriously considering obtaining a conservatorship over his daughter in an effort to protect her from the evil Samantha Ronson.  I predict that this could be the next Hollywood trend.  Rihanna is so next on the Taken Over By Daddy list.

The most brilliant part of this article?  “I don’t care because.”  I plan to use this all day today.  When I go grocery shopping and the cashier gives me my total, I’m going to say, “I don’t care because,” and see what happens.