That’s the problem with famewhores: They will team up with you to try and gain relevance and stab you in the back once it benefits them. Trust me, I deal with it all the time. There’s paparazzi parked outside my house right now. I mean, can’t a girl just walk her dog or get a damn latte without being inundated by flashbulbs and TLC and everyone wanting to know if I’m dating James Franco again? God! Fame is so crazy and fickle!

ANYWAY! TLC’s lawsuit against Jon Gosselin and they’re pulling out all the stops. The other day Jon’s trashy girlfriend Haily Glassman got her subpoena and today Michael Lohan got his. Oh, this is going to be more delicious than a number six value meal from Wendy’s. I can already feel it in my bones!

Michael’s input is important because two knuckle heads had been scheming together on some plans for endorsements, book deals. Michael said that he knew something was fishy with Jon, because he’d vacillate on his ability to get involved with such projects due to his TLC contract.

Lohan also quickly copped to the fact that Jon had taken cash money (aka not documented) for several appearances and gigs that were also in breach of his contract. Sounds like these two were really close, huh?

I’m just going to stop talking about the Lohan battle of the written word after today, because they have definitely entered Gosselin territory.  Michael Lohan released random, recorded phone call tapes to Radar Online and RO has deftly crafted a major “Exclusive Breaking News” type of story out of them.  Every.  Day.

If you’ve been smart enough to avoid all the updates, let me get you up to speed.  Michael wants Linds in rehab.  Linds doesn’t want to go.  Dina tried to get Linds to go.  Linds punched Dina in the face.  Michael thinks that cocaine God is punishing Linds, stripping her of her career, as retribution for all the lies she tells.  Lies that include Linds’ Twitter account of all the gory details of her parent’s marriage.  All of America doesn’t give a crapness about any of it and is actually craving a Gosselin brawl right about now.

In other words, the Lohans are fucking nuts.  Hollywood needs to capture this in a new reality show.  Like, they could lock all the Lohans in the Dr. Phil house for a long weekend — Gah!  Dr. Phil would love to get a piece of that action — and let them have at it (in front of cameras, of course) until a winner is declared.  And I think we all know who that winner would be:  Linds’ brother, Michael Lohan Jr. who is absolutely the sanest of that bunch.

I know that you were thinking that Michael Lohan is the biggest piece of shit ever to father an untalented actress/director/fashion designer/singer, but you haven’t been given all the evidence yet.

Last night, Beet told us about the tapes Daddy Lohan released of a crying Lindsay.  It’s just such personal stuff, and you wonder how a parent can expose such material just to prove his “rightness.”  Wonder no more; he isn’t finished.  In today’s installment of “Michael Douchan is Telling the Truth”, he has released tapes — click here to listen — of Dina speaking to Michael in 2008 in which she claimed that when she tried to get Lindsay into rehab, LL punched her in the face.

I don’t know if any of these “revelations” will get Lindsay sober, but they sure as hell ensure that she’s probably never going to speak to her father again.

OMG, Michael Lohan is such a dickwad. Unbelievable dickwad. He released these audio tapes of his daughter sobbing hysterically on the phone as “proof” that she needs help and is in a “fragile state.”

Lindsay claimed on her Twitter that the tapes are several years old and that Michael edited them.

I don’t know if that’s true or not, but what this sounds like to me is the voice of a very sad young woman who’s calling her father for support. Lord knows that, on really rough days, I’ve called my own father sounding like that. Not because I was on drugs, not because I needed an intervention, not because I needed the media butting into my life, but because, ya know, people have really rough days, and they lean on their parents during those days. And the fact that Michael recorded and released something like this is BEYOND despicable. He’s just the lowest form of human life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — it’s a goddamn wonder Lindsay turned out as well as she did with this slime in her life as a role model. My heart completely breaks for her.

Lindsay, I’ll amend your tweet: Your father needs lessons in how to be a fucking HUMAN.

“I am going to go to court to get a legal conservatorship to get Lindsay into rehab and finally get her off all the prescription meds. [Wife] Dinais going to sit down with me and the lawyers and make things right for Lindsay. She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

Michael Lohan– we should really start a “Guess Who Said It?” feature here at EB.  Even if I deleted the names, would there have been any question who said this?  – continuing to protect his daughter’s privacy by telling Entertainment Tonight that his daughter looks like a centenarian.

“It could be a year, a month, a week – who knows?

– Michael Lohan on how soon he expects his daughter to die now that she’s supposedly addicted to various prescription medicines.

Michael Lohan is busy blabbing to RadarOnline about Lindsay again.  Not really surprising since he doesn’t really have anything else to discuss.  Anyway, in his newest bid to solve all Lindsay’s problems — hey, I thought he was going to work with the LAPD to get LL’s stolen jewels back?? — he’s going to stage an intervention.

Now, I don’t know too much about interventions, though I did have a couple family members gently suggest that I turn off the CW if Mischa was really upsetting me to such an intense level, but are you supposed to let the addict know ahead of time that they’re about to be shipped off to rehab?

“I had a conversation with her, her mother and everyone…over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing things in a pretty public way,” Michael Lohan told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

“But Dina has got to get on the same page with me. It’s a serious situation. You can’t just talk about it and tell me that you want to do an intervention and then do nothing.”

Happily, Daddy Lohan finally admits to parenting through the press:  “When Lindsay doesn’t adhere or listen to what I say about serious situations, I feel I have to speak publicly to put pressure on her.  If she doesn’t take my advice and do what I say…the more pressure I put on her, the  more likely she is to eventually do the right thing.”

Good luck, Linds.  You’re going to need it — not just in overcoming your substance issues but also in finding a way to quit these waste-of-space parents you’ve been bestowed.