Michael Lohan has responded to Lindsay’s assertions that he “needs to be on medication” with a flurry of vowels and consonants that vaguely resemble English words.

I want to add that this statement was sent exclusively to X17, and that they themselves added all the [sic]s. I don’t know why I find that laugh-out-loud funny, but I do. Like, have they read their own blog? It’s not exactly winning any national spelling bees. You’re a paparazzi agency, guys, not the New York Times. Also: you missed some.

Oh, and, look, I’m usually pretty good about not using photos I haven’t purchased, but y’all are gonna have to send a cease and desist if you wanna stop me from using this photo. It’s just too perfect.

“BEING THAT THIS STATEMENT WAS MOST LIKELY, made by Lindsay’s pubicist [sic], Leslie Sloane, I , as should everyone, take it with a grain of salt since and realize that what Leslie says is laced with lies. tell me, do picutres [sic] lie? Are all the eye witness accounts, the text message and the recordings I have false? Just look at the most recent reports of Lindsay and Samantha in In Touch, The Star and even as late as last night (Sept 25th) in LA. Mind you, this was after the articles in Page Six! So tell me, who is out of control? Who is on and needs medication? And who needs retraining [sic] orders from who? If anyone, Lindsay needs restraining orders from Samantha, the people enabling her and leading her down this dark path who are destoying [sic] her life , her career and causing her harm. I was in LA for 2 weeks and never even tried to see Lindsay other than to call her lawyer and send her “positive words” of advice.If anyone needs to be concerned , it’s me! The comments made by Lindsay’s advisors are ridiculous. But mark my words, things will NOT get better for Lindsay until she rids herself of the people around her who have come back in her life, since her release from Cirque Lodge. People need to stop sucking up to her to stay on her good side, and do what’s right for her well being, NOT their own.Until then, I am going to sit back and let GOD do His work.”

Thanks Emily!

In response to her father’s endless ramblings about how Samantha Ronson is the devil:

My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it’s dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren’t speaking.

I am in a great place in life. I have overcome a lot and have been able to learn how to enjoy and appreciate my life in every way possible. I’m proud of myself for being able to make a change in the past year and a half.

My past is behind me, and that’s final. There’s nothing more to be said. All the false accusations that people try to make are simply because there’s no story when things are calm and good.

But they might as well let it go because their lies don’t affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she’s a wonderful girl.

She loves me, as I do her.

I’ll say a few things here.

One: Good for you, Lindsay.

Two: You and Samantha are adorable, and I don’t think she’s evil, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Three: I don’t believe your past is behind you. I think it’s just a matter of time. Again, I like Samantha, and I like the two of you together, but it’s obvious to anyone who’s watching that you’ve replaced your addiction to drugs and alcohol with an addiction to Samantha. You two are never apart. She visits you on all your sets. Always. You travel with her when she DJs. On the outside, this seems cute, but you guys are totally codependent. It’s an addiction as much as it is a relationship. When something about this cracks — and it will — you’ll be right back where you started. I’m just saying. Your father is an evil psychopath, but he’s correct in that you still haven’t really dealt with the underlying issues.

FUCK the Emmys!

FUCK this plane crash bullshit and the dead and seriously injured.

Michael Lohan has SHIT TO TALK, DAMMIT.

From an email he sent this weekend to X17:

After spending a week in LA, doing charity work and meeting people who want to make positive difference in other peoples lives, only to hear what some of these very people have to say about Samantha Ronson I was sickened. But, then to read the recent article in In Touch magazine, which only corroborated what I heard, I am compelled to state my concerns about the effect Samantha is having on my daughter.

First of all, I don’t believe that the recent blogs posted by “Lindsay” were written by her. As far as the comments themselves, I think that we can all see that anyone with something negative to say about Samantha, is attacked by the “person” writing the blog ( probably Samantha herself) !!!

First, it was me for speaking out against Samantha after I was in a deep conversation with Lindsay, only to have Samantha in the background enticing Lindsay to get off the phone with me.. Then my own ex wife expressed such sincere concern that I felt we had to intervene. Now, Joe Francis is attacked for speaking out about Samantha, when he too cares about Lindsay and is concerned about Samantha’s effect on Lindsay.

Joe Francis is a good person and even a better businessman. He wasn’t a bad guy when he flew Lindsay around on his jet, opened the doors top his home or tried to help, was he? Of course not, because Samantha wasn’t around. Sounds familiar with regard to me as well !!!!

There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye! Not that what we see is soooo pleasing anyway!I I mean, what’s with this ….”person”??? Look at the way she “dresses”? Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words! Personally, I think she is dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity!

Have you ever seen her apartment? For God’s sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this first hand).

I heard and know more about Samantha than you can imagine. Yet, while I haven’t exposed her, I know that God will. He will weed her out of Lindsay’s life and at that time, you will finally see Lindsay back in the place in her heart and mind that God wants and she belongs. Hopefully, without Samantha causing more damage than she already has.

Lindsay should not doing independent films, guest starring on TV shows, being a guest judge on a reality TV show or making appearances at Samantha’s DJ gigs. Is this the Lindsay we all knew and loved before Samantha came into her life? No!!! When she got out of Cirque Lodge everything looked good until Samantha came on the “scene”.

As I have said time and time again, Lindsay is my daughter. I am her father first and not a friend or an enabler. I love her, I believe in her and I forgive her as I hope she forgives me. But after the death of my dad, ( her grandfather) and all the things I continue to hear and see, I am compelled to speak out about the people , like Samantha, who are destroying Lindsay is far too many ways.

If Lindsay could show care for Samantha’s friends, who thank God, survived their plane crash, and if she can follow Samantha all over the world. The least she could do, is show respect for her own grandfather and family. The Lindsay I knew, never would have missed his wake or funeral. But since being around Samantha, she has become a different person!

If Samantha or “anyone” wants to blog me or has anything to say, let them, to my face. Otherwise, if they want to be the sneaky, lying, parasites they are, I am ready to really spill the beans, and I won’t stop until this dark, evil nemesis is out of Lindsay’s life.

THE END

OMG.

I would DIE if this man were my father. I would just DIE. What an utterly sick fuck. Sick, sick, sick. God, I have so much sympathy for Lindsay knowing that she was raised with this horrible, twisted, mentally ill person in her life. Dad, I’m so sorry for yelling at you as a teenager for making cheesy jokes in front of my friends and embarrassing me. That was not embarrassing at all. You were being cute, and sweet and genuinely loving. This is embarrassing. Lindsay’s father is a fucking PSYCHOPATHIC evil monster from hell. I’m so grateful for you, Dad.

Lindsay has been doing SO MUCH BETTER since she and Samantha have been a public couple. Samantha has helped Lindsay to heal herself in ways that you couldn’t even begin to approach, Michael. You are just making an ass of yourself. Nobody believes you. Fuck off and go overdose and die — that’s the best way you can help Lindsay right now.

Thanks Emily!

Hi guys! I’m back from vacay! Which was wonderful! But you know how awful it is when you get the most relaxing massage ever and then get in your car to head home and hit terrible traffic? And you’re like “Fuckin’ a, this shit just un-did all my relaxation?”

Michael Lohan is my traffic jam.

What kind of parasitic slime uses the death of his own father to diss his ex-wife, lie about his daughter and satiate his sick need for fame?

Oh, yes. Michael Lohan.

So Michael’s father (Lindsay’s grandfather) died, he issued this statement to OK! magazine:

“My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina’s attorney. Let’s see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral. THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that’s par for the course with Dina! She didn’t even send a card or visit when he was sick.”

OMG! Does he even realize how fucking insane this sounds? Allow me to explain:

Michael Lohan’s To-Do List After Death of Father:

1) Call Michael Jr.
2) Call Lindsay
3) Call Ali
4) Call Cody
5) Call OK! magazine
6) Photograph dead father from several angles in case anyone’s interested in buying the pics

This man is SICK SICK SICK.

And then he sells this bullshit to E!:

“I was holding him, laying in bed with him, when he died. Lindsay did reach out to me. She sent me a message this morning. She said, ‘Now papa has found peace and maybe we can find peace in our lives, too.’ “

This comes just a day after Lindsay publicly begged her father to keep the media out of her life.

So Lindsay’s taking to her MySpace blog to fight back. Today, she writes:

just going to put it out there, i have had no contact with my father.
and i hope he uses this time to keep mourn the loss of his father, rather than taking the time to talk to the media about me or anyone in my life.
better he just keeps his mouth shut.

on another note-
im having fun on the set of Ugly Betty, the cast is great, the crew is great, and it’s nice to be at work, doing what i love to do!

xoxox

Listen, Lindsay, some free advice: Have your publicist contact every major tabloid publication out there: OK!, People, E!, News of the World, InTouch, everyone. Tell them that anyone who runs a quote from or story about Michael Lohan will never, ever, at any point in the future, receive a quote, an interview or any manner of exclusive with you. You’re the one who’s actually famous here, sweetie. Take back control.

Michael Lohan announced today that he’s engaged to his 24-year-old girlfriend, Erin Muller.

And, as long as people are paying attention to him, he has a few more things he’d like to get off his chest. Specifically, some ranting about Samantha Ronson:

“I’m not happy,” he says. “Ever since [Lindsay] got out of rehab and all these people came back into her life, things haven’t been right … People like Samantha Ronson don’t need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn’t be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it’s not right. I’m done with them.”

Uh, Michael? Ever since you got out of Lindsay’s life and Samantha got in, Lindsay’s been out of the headlines. In fact, you’ve been the most scandalous Lohan family member for nearly the entirety of this year. So, ya know, shut up.

“I haven’t heard anything (about an upcoming wedding) from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my (Christian) faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

Michael “Bad Person” Lohan, on rumors that Sam and Lindsay might be tying the knot.

So I guess the company that Michael Lohan asked to do his paternity test to determine whether that Ashley chick is his daughter says that they can’t process the request without a court order.

“I got a letter saying I need something from the court before they’ll process anything,” said Lohan. “And I didn’t get that before. So, now I have to go back to my attorney.”

This seems fishy to me. I don’t think you need a court order to do a paternity test. I’m sure they don’t get court orders for all those episodes of Montel titled “You’re My Baby Daddy! And I’ll Prove It!”

Michael still wants to act like he’s not this little girl’s father.

“The timing is just off,” Lohan said in a previous interview. “If she’s mine, I’ll take responsibility. But I wasn’t with her nine months before Ashley was born.”

But he’s totally full of shit. We don’t even need a DNA test. Apparently the video of little Ashley soon-to-be Lohan on ET has been yanked from YouTube, but the girl looked freakin’ identical to Michael. She’s totally his kid.

“I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media. It’s not attractive to me, it really upsets me and I wish he would stop. … I love my father. I just don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing. It’s a weird situation, very odd.”

Lindsay Lohan, on the Billy Bush Show.

Amen, sister!

Maybe this is what it takes to get that man to shut up.