The catalogs for the Michael Jackson estate auction have been posted on the Julien’s website. You can check them all out here.

There are 242 pages of “Amusements, Arcade Games and Disneyana.” And that’s just from two of the eight auctions! Disneyana??? I’m not sure if that’s a reference to Disney junk or the name Ashlee Simpson’s picked out for her next kid.

The auctions will be held April 22-25 in Beverly Hills.

Update: I knew some enterprising journalist would take the time out of his day to look through every single one of these items to find the most fucked up shit. That is why I didn’t do it myself. That, my friends, is the difference between bloggers and journalists: Journalists do the hard work to track down the stories, and then bloggers sit around in pajamas and make crude jokes about the stories and usually wind up making a lot more money in the process. Still wanna fill out that J-school application?

Anyway, the Huffington Post tracked down the truest gem from this auction: a poem Michael wrote himself. And he should have immediately burned it, but instead he had it engraved into a marble slab. Some choice bits of this opus:

Children of the world, we’ll do it
We’ll meet on endless shores
Making sandcastles and floating our boats
While people fight and defend their point of view
Forever putting on masks that are new
We’ll swing the tide of time and do it.

Children of the world, we’ll do it
With song and dance and innocent bliss
And the soft caress of a loving kiss
We’ll do it.

In (tangentially related) other news, the girlfriend I had dinner with tonight mentioned that Chris Brown and Rihanna probably oughtta confiscate all existing copies of “No Air” and “S.O.S” before someone realizes that the two of them have been busy foreshadowing this shit for ages.

Thanks Mark!

That sound you hear is the theater community heaving a collective sigh of relief.  Michael Jackson’s Broadway Thriller production might not happen.

John Landis, the director of the 1982 Thriller video, also known as Michael Jackson’s last friend, is suing him for unpaid royalties.  Landis has been a public supporter of Jackson through it all; the boys and the bleach, the lawsuits and surgical masks.  It’s been twenty-seven years though, and he wants his money.  Now, he has filed additional documents to halt development on the musical Thriller project.  He is requesting approval rights on the project; in other words, he plans to say “no” to every proposal.  Isn’t that just a kick in the pajama pants for MJ?

Here’s hoping that Landis has a top-notch legal team.

Michael Jackson is helping develop a stage musical based on his Thriller video.  Plot:  young couple on date, boy turns into werewolf.  In an attempt to stretch the fourteen minute video into a stage production, eight actors will portray The Gloved Perv at various stages of his life.

I’m sorry, but I cannot get my mind around Thriller as a theater production.  Can you imagine?

It’s close to midnight, and something evil’s lurking in the dark,

Chasse, Chasse,ball change

Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart.

pivot, dig, and turn.

Anyway, no word yet on how many pre-pubescent boys have been cast.

Thanks, Sanita!

Video of Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson in possibly the worst video ever.

Michael Jackson is being sued in regards to a little boy.  Which isn’t unusual but thankfully, this suit doesn’t involve genitals.  The woman who claims to be the surrogate mother that gave birth to Jackson’s son Prince Michael Jackson II or you know, Blanket, wants joint custody of him in the form of weekend visits and a voice in decision-making regarding his education.  She’s also looking for some financial assistance.  One.  Billion.  Dollars.  Which, let’s just ignore that obscene dollar request for a minute.  Michael’s history of sex abuse allegations didn’t give this rent-a-uterus pause but the recession has brought her out of the woodwork?  Like, now she can’t pay her rent so she wants to be an involved and paid parent?

Sigh.  Back to the dollar amount.  I realize no one reads the papers anymore but isn’t it common knowledge that Michael Jackson is broke?  He couldn’t hold on to Neverland Ranch.  So asking for a billion dollars is astonishing; two million is a stretch.

But the best part of this whole mess is the suing surrogate’s name.  Billie Jean Jackson.  No, I’m not kidding.

If you believe British tab The Sun, he did. Mostly I’m impressed by their title for this article: “The way you Mecca me feel.” No one can top the Brits on cheesy-pun headlines.

According to the tab:

MICHAEL JACKSON has become a Muslim — and changed his name to MIKAEEL.

The skint superstar, 50, donned Islamic garb to pledge allegiance to the Koran in a ceremony at a pal’s mansion in Los Angeles, The Sun can reveal.

Jacko sat on the floor wearing a tiny hat after an Imam was summoned to officiate — days before the singer is due to appear at London’s High Court where he is being sued by an Arab sheik. …

A source told last night how Jacko, brought up as a Jehovah’s Witness, decided to convert as he used a studio at the home of his chum to record a new album.

The star — whose hits include The Way You Make Me Feel — was spotted looking “a bit down” by a producer and a songwriter who had both embraced Islam.

The source said: “They began talking to him about their beliefs, and how they thought they had become better people after they converted. Michael soon began warming to the idea.

“An Imam was summoned from the mosque and Michael went through the shahada, which is the Muslim declaration of belief.” Mikaeel is the name of one of Allah’s angels.

“Jacko rejected an alternative name, Mustafa — meaning “the chosen one”.

Brit singer Yousef Islam, 60 — who was called Cat Stevens until he famously converted — turned up to help Jacko celebrate.

It was his pals David Wharnsby — a Canadian songwriter — and producer Phillip Bubal who counselled Jacko.

The pair’s new names are Dawud Wharnsby Ali and Idris Phillips.

Whatever. I read all of this and honestly the first thing I think is “Michael Jackson’s recording a new album??? Seriously????” Please, God or Allah or whoever, let him release it under the name Mikaeel Jackson. Nothing would delight me more.

Apparently he’s stuck in a wheelchair with a bad case of crazy.

I have nothing more to say about this.

It’s all just so pathetic and sad.

The kids over at Radar got their hands on some of the Michael Jackson “memorabilia” that will be auctioned off by a New Jersey man on May 30-31 at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. Among the trinkets? A copy of the Jackson House Rules for members of the Rubberhead Club, a group made up primarily of young boys who visited Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. Authored by Michael.

My friends and I had a club like this when I was a kid, too. The key difference is that none of us was 48 years old. And we were a little more flexible about the drug use.