Matt Damon supports his candidate at an early vote march in Miami Beach.

And, look, I don’t know what the deal is with all the dogs, but it just occurred to me that if no one thought to make doggie sweaters that say “Bark Obama,” capitalism has totally failed us.

OMG you guys I am in SUCH a grumpy little mood today. I am a grumpalufugus (sp?). And it’s all totally PMS — there’s nothing actually wrong — but I’m trying so hard to be cutesy and funny and my normal self but all I want to do is run around the office screaming “WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT MATT DAMON DID I WANT CHOCOLATE.” And you know what else? The nice lady who normally has a big bowl of chocolate in her office? Is out sick. And her office door? Is locked. I mean, Jesus, lady, have some respect for the other people in your office. I don’t care if you’re feverish and vomiting, you have enough strength to pick up the phone and call facilities and be like “Hey could you please unlock my office door and move the bowl of chocolate outside? I know Beet is going to be starting her period any day now and will be depending on me, and I’d hate to let her down.” But noooooooo. People today have NO MANNERS.

Anyway.

Matt Damon did the running portion of a triathlon in Miami on Sunday. He ran 6.2 miles (a 10K) in just under an hour, which isn’t terrible but also isn’t terribly impressive. He competed on a team with his stepfather and a family friend.

In other news, will somebody please bring me chocolate?

Once again, I don’t care who you’re voting for, you gotta watch this interview with Matt Damon, where he makes the point that, well, he’s done the actuary tables (really?) and determined that John McCain has a one in three chance of kicking the bucket at some point during the next four years. This will put, as he so eloquently phrases it, a hockey mom from Alaska “facing down Vladimir Putin … using the folksy stuff she learned at the hockey rink.”

He also said that he doesn’t “understand why more people aren’t talking about how absurd it is.”

Uh, Matt?

Are you living in this country right now?

We don’t really talk about much besides Sarah Palin these days.

I have some campaign suggestions for Barack Obama. If you want to take some of the steam out of the McCain engine, stop wasting your breath trying to discredit the woman politically and just give Lindsay Lohan an eight-ball. Sit Nicole Richie down for a few shots of tequila and make sure she has the keys to her car. Get Mary-Kate Olsen some quality time with Benji Madden. Steal all of Britney Spears’ underwear.

For Christsake, give us anything else to talk about right now.

Here’s Matt Damon’s face, along with the voices of Michelle Obama, Cindy McCain and Mayor Bloomberg, among others, in a new TV campaign that’ll start running nationally next week.

Thoughts?

Matt Damon’s wife is currently at a Florida hospital preparing to give birth.

Matt has been spotted pacing the halls in scrubs.

The couple currently have a 2-year-old daughter together, and this baby is expected to be a girl, too.

Good luck and congratulations to the happy parents!

Update: The little girl, Gia Zavala, has been born and everyone is doing well! Congrats!

Matt Damon and wife Luciana Barroso hit up up some event for Sony Ericsson in London.

She looks like she might be preggers again.

Update: Dude, I’m so smart. Matt Damon announced this afternoon that Luciana is, in fact, preggo.

Okay, look, I thought he was sober these days. But you have to be pretty fucking high to wear that thing as a straight man.

Bob Downey and his wife Susan had dinner with Matt Damon and his stupid unfamous wife-who-should-have-been-me, Luciana Boring-oso, at Quattro Gastronomia Italiana Restaurant in Miami.

I would not want to eat at that place. “Quattro Gastronomia” sounds like an intestinal disease, not a restaurant. Here it is used in a sentence: I hope Luciana Boring-oso gets quattro gastronomia and has to be hospitalized for the rest of her life, so Matt Damon can be mine.

D’oh!*

The Bourne Ultimatum knocked The Simpsons movie out of the top box office spot with a vengeance, claiming the biggest August opening of all time ever. The film brought in $70.2M this weekend, far better than either of the previous installments of the series. I guess audiences were just dying for a good action flick this weekend.

“The reviews and audiences rated this one the best one yet,” said the head of distribution for Universal Pictures. “Matt Damon is the new James Bond.”

In third place was Disney’s live-action Underdog, which I had never heard of before reading this film, but then again my interactions with anyone under the age of 25 take place awkwardly, briefly, and usually in supermarkets.

Anne Hathaway’s Becoming Jane only took in $1M, but it was only showing on 100 screens, so that’s an impressive per-screen average. It appears there’s still a market for very, very pale girls at the box office. Take note, Paris Hilton.

*How many people who write this article will open with that same line? Would it be easier to do it by the percentage?