Police say they have no plans to question Mary-Kate Olsen in the death of Heath Ledger.

“There’s absolutely no indication investigators were going to speak to Mary-Kate Olsen,” the police commissioner said at a news conference. “They determined that they had all the info needed from witnesses who were on scene: That’s the cleaning woman, the masseuse.”

I think this is going to end up to be an open-and-shut case, kids. Heath died of a drug overdose, plain and simple and so, so sad.

TMZ.com is reporting that the masseuse who found Heath made four calls to Mary-Kate Olsen before calling 911.

The total time elapsed between the first call and her actually calling someone who could help? Nine minutes.

What.
The.
Fuck.

WTF?? What is that? Nine minutes? Who the hell figures they’d better call someone else before emergency services? I mean that’s just kooky talk.

This just hammers home the point that I set out to prove when I filled in for the Beet this week: The Olsen twins are the devil.

I swear, I had like five people come up to me last night and ask if I knew where they could score some shit.

I guess I look like the kind of person who knows.

This worries me.

Anyway, folks, I have the answer now: Find Samantha Ronson. She’s in Park City. With Mary-Kate Olsen.

At Harry O’s on Main Street last night.

Via Page Six:

IT was a “Full House” reunion at the Bowery Hotel’s Lobby Bar Wednesday night, when the Olsen twins, Ashley and Mary-Kate, rolled in with their TV dad, Bob Saget, and their “Uncle Jesse,” John Stamos, to drink and party till the wee hours. Ashley drank red wine and whined, “I’m hungry, I want bolognese” – until hotel staff brought her spaghetti bolognese, even though they said they had a strict policy against serving food to nonguests. Mary-Kate chatted up Stamos and watched her sis chow down.

OMG OMG OMG.

How amazing would it be if MK and John Stamos hooked up???

Sometimes I really feel like I’d sell my soul for such things to happen.

Ohhhhhh, this is a fun war!!!

The poster is boring but the video on their website?

Priceless!

You must watch!!

Also be sure to play the Dress Up the Trollsens game!!!

Thanks Sue!

Who doesn’t? From Page Six:

THE animal-loving freaks at PETA are training their hate-beams on the Olsen twins, whom they’ve dubbed “The Trollsen Twins.” PETA is furious they’ve “ignored pleas to stop wearing fur and using it in their fashion collection.” The group is unveiling a campaign against the “fur fiends” – Mary-Kate (”Hairy Kate”) and Ashley (”Trashley”) – with a tag line: “Fur Is Worn by Beautiful Animals and Ugly People.” The Trollsen Twins poster will be unveiled today at their Walk of Fame star in LA.

I’m sure PETA really appreciates being called “animal-loving freaks,” Page Six.

And, yes, we’ll have this poster for you guys as soon as we can get our grubby little hands on it. No one’s more excited for this than I am.

Mary-Kate Olsen was rushed to the ER with a kidney infection on Monday.

She’s recovering well and should be released in the next couple of days.

Don’t you get a kidney infection when you let a UTI go untreated? And don’t you usually get a UTI from too much unprotected sex? Or am I making this up? Commenters, weigh in!