I hope you’re all getting into some debauchery tonight. Like I said earlier, it’s the one night of the year when you can dress like a slut, a freak, or a creep, and people won’t think you’re insane or hold you accountable. It’s just like living in Hollywood.

Celebs are taking advantage of the same opportunity. Katie Couric was spotted sporting this year’s ubiquitous Kate Gosselin costume while the hosts of the Today Show went the Luke & Leia route. Fashion designer Michael Kors dressed in a detailed hippie costume while designer Valentino (above) dressed up as an Oompah Loompah. Oh wait… that’s not a costume.

Would someone please tell me what the hell Martha Stewart and Mickey Rourke are supposed to be? I tried to figure out their costumes, but the best I could come up with was “tree trunk” and “Mickey Rourke.”

Martha Stewart is having a little trouble with one of her employees.  And by “trouble” I mean “getting sued”.

Kiki Paris was a successful sales manager at Body and Soul magazine which is owned by Stewart.  Things all changed in May of 2008 when she was struck by a car.  Her spine and elbow were fractured in multiple places and she had to wear a seven-pound halo on her skull.

Apparently, Martha told Paris to get her lazy ass back to work almost immediately.  Fuck disability time off!  She was also instructed to tell potential advertisers about her injuries to boost sympathy sales.

Can you guess what happened next?  When Kiki couldn’t return to work as quickly as Martha would have liked, she was let go.  Demanding bitch wants money and her job back.  Hey, if you let some metal skull contraption affect your ability to sell some ads, you shouldn’t be working for Martha.  That machine was knitting scarves even when she was in prison.

“It’s pretty sad.  She should have watched it more closely, though. She should have been more careful.”

Martha Stewart, speaking of Jessica Simpson and her coyotenapped Malti-Poo, Daisy.

After the Phelpsy scandal I guess Martha finally decided it was safe to come clean and reveal some of her more private interests. Over on EW’s PopWatch blog they’ve received an email stating that Stewart’s upcoming show would be “entirely dedicated to the world of pot.”

*blink*

Reeeeeally? Somehow that fits. Judging from what I know of Martha, she’s wound pretty tight. The only thing that could possibly remove the giant spatula from her ass on the daily is a well-timed bong rip. She probably gets the giggles and bakes. Her guest for the episode will be Jimmy Fallon, which makes sense because I always attributed his inability to get through a sketch on SNL without laughing to his being completely and utterly high the entire time. I hear he’s going to bring her “brownies” YUM.

Gwyneth Paltrow and others appeared last night at the grand opening of Fontainebleau Miami Beach.  What is going on with Gwyn?  Let’s be fair: there are some things you have no control over.  Breasts that extend from the bottom of your ribcage up to your collarbone?  Nothing you can do about that; that’s God’s cruel joke.  But the dress, completely unrelated shoes and reverse skunk stripe of roots all could have been thwarted by any compassionate stylist.  Or full length mirror. 

Sixty-seven year old Martha Stewart was there as well.  I don’t know if it was prison or surgery or what but she still looks terrific.  I included pics of Jason Lewis because don’t we all deserve a little visual handjob?  And in the case of Terrence Howard, the answer is yes; the pants were also printed jacquard.  Ya.

Oh, and when you look at the pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio, just know that she had a baby less than three months ago.  And also know that I’m typing this post from my elliptical machine and have sworn off food.

Martha Stewart’s found an “Apprentice” that fits in just right. [A Socialite's Life]

Christina Aguilera’s hubby, Fugly McMusicProducer, was spotted partying solo and ringless. Trouble in paradise? [Gabsmash]

Paris Hilton lies about her sex life. [The Blemish]

Shanna Moakler is just glad to see another Miss USA labeled as a drunken slut. Although, in fairness, Shanna was never accused of making out with teenage girls. [TMZ]

Nicole Richie goes grocery shopping. Hopefully for some freaking Midol. [MollyGood]