“We weren’t in rehab and Mr. Belding wasn’t my crack dealer.”

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, responding to accusations Dustin “Screech” Diamond makes in his latest attempt to salvage his finances and his fame with no thought of salvaging his dignity. Screech has “written” a “memoir” called Behind the Bell, about his days on the set of Saved by the Bell. Us Weekly has a sneak peak at all the fabricated dirt:

He also alleges costar Mark Paul Gosselaar — who played popular Zack Morris — used steroids before production started on 1994’s short-lived Saved by the Bell: The College Years.

“He suddenly exploded with manliness, loading 25 pounds of muscle on his once-scrawny frame in, oh, about a month,” says Diamond, who is not in touch with any of his costars. …

Diamond — who filed for bankruptcy in 2001 and had his own sex tape released in 2006 — goes on to say his costars hooked up off-camera.

“If Kelly [Tiffani Thiessen] was interested in Slater [Mario Lopez] one week, then backstage there was a lot going between them in Mario [Lopez]’s room,” he tells the new Us Weekly. “Then, if Jessie [Elizabeth Berkley] kisses Zack, then you know Elizabeth Berkley is going in Mark-Paul’s room.”

I don’t know how much if any of this is even remotely true, but, even if it is, like, let me get this straight: These uber-attractive teenagers who had basically no social circle or life outside of that cast hooked up with one another? Often switching partners? GASP. I mean, I’d always surmised that some crazy shit went on in that greenroom, but teenagers hooking up? I’m sickened, just sickened. I have to buy the book now so I can find out what other juicy tidbits are in there. I bet one time Elizabeth Berkeley asked Tiffani Thiessen if she could borrow a tampon and Tiffani was all like, “Sure, but I thought you just finished your period?” and then Elizabeth Berkeley was like, “Oh, no, I’m not on my period. I just need this one to masturbate with.” BOOM!

I’m loving this interview Newsweek did with Mark-Paul Gosselaar. They ask him about rumors that Dustin Diamond is writing a tell-all about his days on Saved by the Bell. Here’s how Mark responded:

What is he going to say? We were banging groupies at 14? I can’t wait to read his book, because I don’t have a memory of a lot of the shows. Maybe it was because I was doing lines off of the audience members’ asses. I’m sure he’s going to write something crazy like that. The truth is?the reason why the show worked and why it’s still on today?we were good people and good to each other. We were innocent, naive kids. We were not jaded. So him writing a book, I’m not really afraid of what he has to say. There are not too many skeletons in my closet.”

You know what? I believe him. I think those kids were relatively well-behaved. There’s not a single one of them that’s gotten into serious trouble since the show wrapped. Admittedly, there’s not a single one of them that’s had a stellar career since the show wrapped, either, but personally I’d rather be sane and sober than wildly famous. But that would never happen today — an uber-hit show with a teenage cast where none of them ended up as tabloid fodder with a DUI. The lure of the paparazzi is just too tempting. I get sad about it for a minute — sad about what the media and the industry does to our teenage celebs today — and then I remember that I’m not especially qualified to do anything but be a part of that media at this point, and then I’m okay with it. I like having a job.

Anyway, Mark also threw in this little tidbit, which I didn’t know and which thrills me:

I met my wife on Saved by the Bell: The College Years. She literally walked by in the hallway and said one word to Zack. Zack looks at her, and gives a look at the camera and winks. It was 16 years ago. We’ve been together ever since.

His wife, Lisa Ann Russell, is the one pictured with him above. How freakin’ adorable is that? Again: That never would have happened without the whole world knowing about it today. And the paps would have stalked that poor girl and made up stories about Mark cheating on her and they never would have stood a chance. My, my, how the world has changed since the days when the Bayside Tigers ruled the world.

David Arquette likes watching his wife make out with Jen Aniston. How is this news? [Glitterati]

Beyonce photo gallery. [Film.com]

In college, my friends and I used to play the Movie Title Game. One person comes up with a ridiculous scenario and/or ridiculous pairings of actors, and the other contestants determine the appropriately hilarious title for said film. David Spade is a grocery bagger at Ralph’s? Paper or Spastic? Get it? Okay. So Mark-Paul Gosselaar is a hot-shot lawyer who decides to become an L.A. public defender. His partner? Janeane Garofalo. Go. [Pajiba]

Beyonce does the cover of Sports Illustrated. [Egotastic]

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy got matching hair cuts, which is totally creepier than his new movie is going to be. [A Socialite's Life]

The set of Grey’s Anatomy has returned to normal. They’re getting into fistfights again. [Cele|bitchy]

American Idol claims another marriage. [PhillyBurbs]