I swear to you, if they had video cameras in the caveman era, we’d have footage of caveman celebrities giving blow jobs. Did they have celebrities in the caveman era? I bet they did, but they were probably, like, warrior heroes or something. I bet they’d've made videos of their warrior heroes clubbing women and dragging them off to have sex. And trying to shove, like, warrior wine canisters up their vaginas. You think kinkiness is a modern world thing? I bet not. I bet some of those ancient caveman “artifacts” they have in museums were up a vagina at some point in time. Why do I think like this? I’m so weird.

Anyway.

The New York Post is reporting that there may be a Marilyn Monroe sex tape in circulation. It shows Marilyn performing oral sex on a man whose face is outside the camera frame.

I guess the original was confiscated by the FBI (Seriously? The FBI can confiscate sex tapes? Could they just, like, confiscate Paris Hilton? And redact most parts of her? Please?), but an illegal copy was made years ago, and recently sold on the black market for $1.5 million. The buyer is an unidentified man known only as a “wealthy New York businessman.”

Oh, you know this is Donald Trump.

Says the man who brokered the deal: “He said he’s just going to lock it up. He said, ‘I’m not going to make a Paris Hilton out of her. I’m not going to sell it, out of respect.’”

This is such bullshit. You know what this is? This is the best way to get new clients in the history of wealthy New York businessmen. You know this dude’s all cold-calling people and being like, “Hey, sign this deal with me, and I’ll have you over for a screening of the Marilyn Blow Job tape.”

It’s soooo Donald Trump.

Side note: I LOVE this picture of Marilyn. You know why? Because she looks like she weighs about what I weigh. And she was STILL a sex symbol. Love it!