Ed and I had so much fun making a video for you last week that we decided to do it again this week. And every week until you stop calling me a man and Ed a lesbian in the comments section. In other words: WE’RE HERE TO STAY. Kinda. Unless Sasha fires me. Hey, Sasha. Please don’t do that. I have a chihuahua to feed. Love you, gurl. This week we’re talking about Oprah, Mariah and Levi Johnston’s dick (or lack there of).

BTW, if you want more of me or Ed you can find our Twitters here and here.

Now back to the news…

Mariah’s new song “100 Percent” — she wrote it for the movie Precious — is out and I really like it.  I like when she sings instead of that breathy, huffing thing she is famous for.

Mariah appears in the movie Precious, which as I mentioned on Monday only opened in 18 theaters.  Now that it’s rolling out to more locations, tell me — have you seen the movie and did you like it?  Most importantly, is it better than Glitter?

Considering that a lot of non-famous people probably dressed up like them last night, it’s interesting to see what celebs chose to be for Halloween. I love that Gwen Stefani wasn’t afraid to don a head to toe Jessie (from Toy Story 2) costume to take her kids out trick-or-treating. Gavin gets negative points for taking himself too seriously and not wearing a costume.

Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis and his son both dressed as Eddie Munster while Christina Aguilera and son Max went out as a pair of skeletons. James Gandolfini and designer Christian Siriano both looked unintentionally creepy– one because he was wearing a Homer Simpson mask with the eyes cut out, the other because… well… you’ll see.

I caught a brief article through the AP about a flick featuring Mariah Carey as a social worker. It’s called Precious, and it’s produced by Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey, and the director’s first choice for Mariah’s role was Helen Mirren. When she dropped out, Lee Daniels called on Mariah — who is 25 years younger than Helen — to play the role. He trusted Mariah’s acting skills, but he didn’t want a diva showing up on set to play a humble role. “If you come with a strip of makeup on,” he told her, “I will have a backup (actress).”

The article went on to say that Mariah’s performance in the film — which hits theaters November 6 — has garnered high praise from critics. I was VERY curious to see exactly how Mariah had slipped into a role imagined for Helen Freakin’ Mirren, so I checked out the trailer on YouTube. It’s above. I have to admit, not only does Mariah seem to be doing a great job, but the whole movie looks absolutely brilliant and touching and very human, and I can’t wait to see it. A far cry from Glitter, Mariah. (Although I still think of that Eminem diss track every time I hear your name these days.)

This is gratuitous, but for all you Lambs out there, you know why I’m posting this. How freakin’ happy do Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon look? The two have been married for almost a year and a half, which is still pretty new, but you have to hand it to them: they seem to be making this not-so-conventional relationship really work. This photo of the two of them heading back to their abode after a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show is just too cute for words.

Damn, I gotta admit this is a super-hot track. Probably the most awesome diss track I’ve ever heard. In fairness, Mariah started it, with her “Obsessed” song and the video that clearly targeted Em. But Eminem is following suit, with a full-length diss track called “The Warning.” He talks some serious smack about Mariah — calling her a whore, a liar and an alcoholic — and threatens to release naked photos of her if she denies anything he says in the track. To cap it all off, he samples some Mariah shit off what I think is a studio session they did together. Oh, and he calls Nick Cannon a “faggot.” Lovely, just lovely. Seriously, though, love him or hate him — you gotta admit Em’s a genius. This is a truly brilliant diss track.

Remind me never to date a rapper.

You know, only Mariah Carey could have such an intense level of self-worship to sing a song and film a video that’s all about someone being obsessed … with her. 

A couple of weeks ago, I posted some pics from the video shoot and felt, and still feel, that this whole production is totally directed toward Eminem.  Of course, Mariah denied any connection, which I hate.  If you’re going to obviously slam someone in the most public way possible, just own it.  Take me for example:  I totally admit that Mariah Carey is a self-involved, marginally talented pop tart that needs to abandon her formula of getting up on all fours and writhing around like a sloth imprisoned in spandex.  Opinion.  Owned.

Jump in if you want to read all the words to this lyrical masterpiece.  Which begs another question:  Mariah, what did the word “are” ever do to you?  Use it!  It’s an important word.

So Oh Oh So Ohhh
Will the real MC please step to the mic?
MC- You need an MC, place to be
MC the MC

All up in the blogs
Say we met at the bar
When I don’t even know who you are
Say we up in your house
Sayin’ I’m up in your car
But you in LA but I’m out at Jermaine’s

I’m up in the A- you’re so so lame
and no on here even mentions your name
It must be the weed, it must be the E
cuz you be poppin, hood, you get it poppin’

Ooh boy why you so obsessed with me?
Boy I want to know- lyin’ that you’re sexin me
when everybody knows it’s clear that you’re upset with me
Ohh finally found a girl that you couldn’t impress
Last man on the earth- still couldn’t get this

You’re delusional, you’re delusional
Boy you’re losing your mind
It’s confusin yo, you’re confused you know
Why you wasting your time?
Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex
See right through you like you’re bathin’ in windex

Ooh Ohh Ohh boy why you so obsessed with me?
And all the ladies sing, all the girls sing
Soo Oohhhh Soo Oohh Obsessed

You on your job, you hittin’ hard
Ain’t gon feed you, gon’ let you starve
Graspin’ for air I’m ventilation
You out of breath, hope you ain’t waitin
Tellin’ the world how much you miss me
But we never were so why you trippin’
You a mom and pop, I’m a corporation
I’m the press conference, you a conversation

Ooh boy why you so obsessed with me?
Boy I want to know- lyin’ that you’re sexin me
when everybody knows it’s clear that you’re upset with me
Ohh finally found a girl that you couldn’t impress
Last man on the earth- still couldn’t get this

You’re delusional, you’re delusional
Boy you’re losing your mind
It’s confusin yo, you’re confused you know
Why you wasting your time?
Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex
See right through you like you’re bathin’ in windex

Ooh Ohh Ohh boy why you so obsessed with me?
And all the ladies sing, all the girls sing
Soo Oohhhh Soo Oohh Obsessed

I, for one, have had it with these two. 

Eminem has played answering machine tapes of Mariah from when they briefly dated, told a radio station that he pissed on her, and referred to her in his song “Bagpipes from Baghdad.”

See Mariah above, filming the video for her new song “Obsessed.”  Is there any doubt that she’s spoofing Em?

I’m so sick of both of them.

Last week, Wendie wrote about the supposed feud that’s been brewing between Nick Cannon and Eminem over some lyrics in Eminem’s new single “Bagpipes from Baghdad” and a few wet and wild comments he made about Cannon’s wife, Mariah Carey, on his satellite radio show. Cannon had initially posted a blog entry on his website, basically calling Slim Shady out for fisticuffs. But now he’s saying that in spite of his harsh words towards Shady, there is no feud between the two of them.

“I felt like I said what I had to say,” Cannon said. “I didn’t take [the post] down, like, ‘Oh, somebody instructed me to do it’ or anything like that. It was just one of those things, like, I said it.”

As for the real reason he took the post down, Cannon said it had to do with the traffic to his Web site, which “pretty much crashed my site. There’d be thousands and thousands of comments and people couldn’t leave comments on other posts or any of that stuff. So that was the only reason why I took it down.”

And while noted that he doesn’t have any regrets about what he said — “I feel exactly the same way by it and stick by everything, but I think it’s one of those things where it becomes that it’s not really that big of a deal, you know?” — he did say he has no beef with the MC.

“I never even considered it as beef,” he said. “It’s not beef. It’s just, Hey, I heard the record. I said what I had to say.”

So, if it’s not beef, what is it? Tofurkey? I can’t imagine that if some guy says horrible things about your wife in one of his songs and then claims to have pissed on her you would just let that drop.

I mean that literally, of course, as Mariah opted to wear sunglasses — at night — to a boat party in Cannes. She’s obviously saving her actual eyes for her beloved. She and Nick, who’ve been married for over a year now, still looked as lovey-dovey as ever. I find myself rooting for this couple. They do seem to be so in love, and Mariah’s had a long and painful relationship road, and she deserves something good in her life. Nick Cannon is a good guy. I hope these crazy kids make it. I hope they have the common sense not to do a reality TV show about their marriage.

I know that Eminem says he’s sober, but I dunno.

Last month he got things stirred up when he released his new single-an ode to Mariah Carey, whom he briefly dated in 2003- “Bagpipes from Baghdad” which had lyrics that went something like, “Nick Cannon better back the f*** up. I’m not playing, I want her back, you punk. Nick Cannon, you pr**k, I wish you luck with that f***in’ whore.”   You can imagine how much Mr. Mariah Carey liked that.  He’s vowed that there will be “repercussions.”  I think that’s code for, “I’m sending her back to you, Em.”

Eminem must not feel too threatened by Nick Cannon since he isn’t done yet.  While taking calls on his Shade 45 satellite radio station, Em said, “We’re taking callers right now (from) any woman who wants to be peed on.”   When asked what he would say if Mariah called in, he replied, “I already did that.”

So, Mariah, does returning Marshall Mathers’ call six years ago get filed under Biggest Mistake of Your Life, or what?

You know that I love making my little celebridictions around here.  My newest?  Mariah Carey is pregnant.  Sure, these rumors have been milling around about Mariah at fertility clinics and Mariah buying baby furniture and Mariah acting like a moody bitch…oh, wait…

Anyway, my vision is now supported by the photographic and therefore rock-solid evidence of Mariah Carey’s bruised arm.  This is a classic sign of a woman who has been pincushioned by those vampire nurses.  Scoff if you wish, but wait.

Even though I fully plan to take one hundred percent credit when this pregnancy announcement is made, I have to give a shout out to Amanda, who gave me the heads up on the arm action.  I don’t know Amanda personally but she’s obviously someone I need to meet-anyone who spends significant time looking at the inner arms of celebrities?  I call that person “friend.”