Okay, this has been a really traumatic morning for me.  I woke up to pictures of Linda Hogan in lederhosen.  You, at least, are getting a warning as to what is in store for you.  I was blindsided. 

After I recovered, courtesy of a Screwdriver, I learned that a naked picture of Madonna, circa 1979, is up for auction through Christie’s auction house.  I couldn’t figure out why this is newsworthy.  Didn’t anyone buy the Sex book?  Madonna, naked, $9,950 cheaper than this Christie’s picture is expected to go for.  Then, I clicked THE LINK.  Be warned:  1)  Obviously NSFW and 2) There is a zoom feature which will bring you very disturbing results.

Little Lourdes Leon appears to be following in the footsteps of her mother.  After turning down a part in The Secret Lives of Bees because Madonna didn’t want her in the biz so young, Lourdes has been enrolled in Manhattan’s Professional Children’s School. 

I really am looking forward to seeing if Lourdes has more talent than Madge; I think it’s a safe bet.  But do you know what I look forward to the most?  Her first facial waxing.

Her personal life may not have had a record-setting year, but Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet tour was the highest-grossing North American tour of the year, bringing in $105.3M. Second place went to Celine Dion with $94M, and The Eagles took third with $73.4.

Country music star Kenny Chesney ($72.2 million) and rock band Bon Jovi ($70.4 million) came in fourth and fifth.

The top ten was rounded out by Bruce Springsteen and the E street band ($69.3 million), Neil Diamond ($59.8 million), Rascal Flatts ($55.8 million), The Police ($48.0 million) and Tina Turner ($47.7 million).

Who wants to start taking bets that Britney Spears tops this list for 2009?

Page Six has identified male model Jesus Luz as Madonna’s newest conquest.  Don’t you appreciate that I didn’t call him “boy toy”?  Because seriously, almost every article I’ve read about this hook-up calls him that.  I won’t call her “Material Girl” either.  They met while doing a W magazine photo shoot.  A source said “Everyone knows they are ficando- which is a Portuguese expression that means they are kissing and doing other things but without any obligation of being faithful or getting into a relationship afterwards.”  I never knew this job would require so much Portuguese translating but the English word for “ficando” is “fucking”.  I wonder how A-Rod feels about this.

In other news, as Madonna continued the interminable Sticky & Sweet tour in Sao Paolo, she supposedly started crying  when many of her fans sang Evita songs to her.  She probably didn’t emote that much writing out a $80M check to Guy.  But masses of people singing their adoration for her to her?  Floods of soy-based tears.

The ex-couple issued a joint statement today, regarding reports that their divorce settlement included Guy getting around $80M from Madge:

“We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest. A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children.”

Why did they use the word “co-parents” rather than “parents”?

Hi, guys.

I’m sick today. This is probably related to my decision yesterday to run 3.1 miles in the freezing cold alongside thousands of other germ colonies (read: people). I spent the better part of the morning at the doctor’s office, and I do have to give mad props to my new insurance company, GroupHealth, which costs less than my old COBRA insurance and has been totally awesome and easy to work with and the doctors and techs have been very nice. So just a little tip for anyone in the northwest getting laid off and in need of health insurance. I spent a super duper long time researching health insurance when I moved out here, and I think I made a good decision. But the point of all this is that I might be spending the afternoon sleeping instead of writing much. Don’t worry about me, though. I have my dog here to take care of me. And by “take care of me” I of course mean “lick my face and try to steal my food.”

I will, however, note that Madonna has settled her divorce … for around $80M. The exact amount hasn’t been determined, but Madonna’s publicist says that she’d “assume it’s one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement.” Awesome. Madonna gave Guy all of her British properties and a bunch of cash. “She’s got no interest in remaining here,” said a UK entertainment lawyer. “She’s relocating and moving back to New York. It’s money she’s already paid out — what is she going to do, try to sell the houses in a flagging market?”

For shits and giggles, there’s a fun clip above of Madonna falling on her ass at a show in Rio. The fun starts around 0:35.

This thing is getting HOT.

Madonna spent this weekend doing tour dates in Mexico City — and whaddya know? Alex Rodriguez also spent this weekend in Mexico City, teaching kids to bat at a new sports center built on a landfill in the poor suburb of Nezahualcoyotl. He was invited to inaugurate the sports center by Mexico’s richest man, Carlos Slim, whose Telmex Foundation sponsored its construction. The site includes two baseball diamonds and 25 soccer fields.

When Alex was asked by reporters about the scheduling coincidence, he said it was “very good,” refusing to comment further.

Meanwhile, Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet Tour brought in $91.5M from its U.S. and Canada dates alone.

Counting her European run, Madonna is at about $207.5 million in ticket sales and on a pace to hit about $282 million when the Mexico/South America leg of the tour wraps. That would make Sticky & Sweet the top-grossing tour ever by a female artist or solo artist.

Very impressive, Miss Madge.