Madonna went all Oprah on us and returned to The Late Show with David Letterman last night to mend old, broken fences with Dave-O.

Whenever Madonna is on a talk-show, every thing she says, every little joke, sounds so rehearsed.  Letterman’s guests are briefed ahead of time on the topics that will be discussed; this is nothing new.  Madonna throws out her “passive-aggressive funny quip” followed by a eyebrow raise and pointed look to the audience.  I think it just proves what a bad actress Madonna is.

You know what’s really good about Madonna, though?  Her body.  She’s like some totally fit, macrobiotic nun.  And last night, Sister Vegan went to a New York City pizzeria for the first time.  Yes, folks.  We are supposed to believe that Madonna, who came to NYC as a starving dancer when she was 19 years old, has never eaten a piece of pizza in the city.  Whatever, Madge.

According to reports, Madonna had a 27-calorie bite of cheeseless pizza and spent the rest of the night strapped to a Pilates machine.

Here’s the video for Madonna’s song “Celebration”.  Token boy toy dancers?  Check.  Make out with a DJ scene?  Check.  Copious crotch touching?  Check.  Simulated sex acts?  Check.  Covering her rectum as she falls to the floor?  Check.  Enjoy!  Oh, and good morning.

Madge put on her best granny bloomers with lace overlay and took the kids out for a boat ride in Portofino, Italy yesterday, in celebration of her 51st birthday.  

Lourdes is looking so grown up and David and Mercy look like they’re adjusting well to their new and exciting lifestyle.  Jesus Luz has completed his primary education and is looking forward to … oh, sorry.  Oops.  Um, Madonna’s boyfriend Jesus Luz was also there.

Madonna’s greatest hits album is set to drop on September 29th.  Madge’s “Celebration” will have two new songs, one of which is aptly titled “Celebration”.  Take a listen and let me know what you think.

Oh, and I can’t wait for the video.  Lourdes is debuting in it!

This is really sad!  A stage that was being constructed in Marseilles, France collapsed today.  Seven workers were injured and one was killed.  There has been no confirmed word on how the accident happened.  Some reports claim that the roof was two-thirds complete when it became unsteady and collapsed.

Madonna was quick to release a statement:  “I am devastated to have just received this tragic news.  My prayers go out to those who were injured and their families, along with my deepest sympathy to all those affected by this heartbreaking news.”

Sunday’s Marseilles concert has been cancelled.

The latest stop on Madonna’s tour is Paris, and she’s brought all of her kids along for the ride. Lourdes, Rocco, David and Mercy hit up Montemartre and Cathedral Notre Dame this week … with two nannies and a bodyguard. I guess Madonna was busy prepping for the show. But, damn, Mercy’s been a part of Madonna’s family for less than a month, and that little girl’s already seen more of the world than I have.

Madonna — and I’m convinced she gave up Botox, because there’s some actual emoting happening — departed the Ritz-Carlton in Paris today with all four of her children in tow.  Her newest, Mercy, is really a very beautiful child.  I feel so bad for David because he’s being raised to be a Yankees fan.  Can we get CPS involved somehow?

Lourdes and Rocco — “The Bios” — brought up the rear.  There will be more jet-setting as Madge continues the European leg of her “Sticky & Sweet” tour.