Madonna — age fifty — kicks off her Sticky & Sweet Tour in the UK.

Dayum.

I know it’s been said a million times before, but this woman is ripped. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a body like that? I’ve been working my ass off in the gym for months and I’m just finally starting to see some definition — and I’m 26! (Granted, my eating habits have been imperfect at best.) Can you imagine trying to create a body like that at fifty???

Mrs. Madge celebrates the big 5-0 at a London restaurant with Guy Ritchie, from whom she is clearly no longer estranged.

It has been 25 years since Madonna released her eponymous debut album.

How old does that make you feel?

Neither Madonna nor Lourdes looked particularly happy as they left the Kabbalah center in NYC yesterday.

Madge’s age is starting to show.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing — and it’s kind of cool how she doesn’t seem to be ashamed of it, I mean, she’s not wearing inches upon inches of make-up, and I actually kind of dig that.

Her body’s still way better than mine’ll ever be.

OMG I need Chelsea Handler to adopt me and teach me everything she knows.

Check out this BRILLIANT interview she did with Christopher Ciccone. But before you get to the good stuff you have to listen to Christopher bitch for a full minute about how the NY Observer called him “short and paunchy.” Sweetheart, that’s about the least mean thing I’d have to say about you.

Anyway.

Marry me, Chelsea.

Eh, I personally don’t believe this for a second, but a British tab is reporting that a Madonna/A-Rod sex tape exists, and that a cameraman who owns the footage is trying to sell it.

Madonna’s reps are refusing to comment, probably because such a bullshit story doesn’t warrant a comment.

Whatever little fall-outs Madonna and Britney may have had in the past, it looks like they’ve patched things up. Either that or Madonna still knows how to keep herself relevant. I mean, if this whole divorce thing doesn’t pan out, she’s gonna need another way to stay in the spotlight, and having Britney Spears film a video segment for her new tour is one way to do that.

“Britney is going to film something for Madonna’s show in the next week or so,” says Madonna’s rep.

Eh, I’ll just watch it on the Internet. I’ve seen a Madonna show before. It cost $200, started two hours late and they stopped serving alcohol halfway through. No desire to endure that again.

Here’s a suspiciously ring-free Guy Ritchie, photographed on Monday at London’s Heathrow Airport, en route to NYC, probably to see Madonna. Meanwhile, Madge spent the weekend with her kids — and former flame Carlos Leon! — in New York, also not wearing a ring.

Awwww!!!!

As happy as I am about the good gossip, I must admit I’m sad to see that this isn’t working out for Madonna.