“There was this really earnest college student with his backpack on who wanted to do his first film, and then Madonna wanted to produce it.  I was like, ‘Madonna? I don’t think this is her film. I remember this one producer told me that he had found Precious—and it was going to be Brandy. Excuse me? I literally almost hung up on him.”

Sapphire, the author of Precious, in an Entertainment Weekly interview.  Apparently, I’m not the only one who wants to disconnect with people who think Brandy has acting talent or the ability to properly affix false eyelashes.

Aaaaand this is how you know you’re too famous.

The paps followed Madonna all the way to her NYC gynecologist today. At least that’s what they claim. But then they say they had Lourdes hail her a cab before she’d leave the building. Ummmm, why was Lourdes with her at the gynecologist? Or were they both at the gynecologist for Lourdes’ appointment? Or what if they were in the building for a different and less funny reason? SO MANY QUESTIONS! But I will tell you this: I would rather have my vagina surgically removed than have my mother come to my gynecologist appointment with me. Just saying.

Madonna and her daughter Lourdes were n Malawi today for the groundbreaking ceremony at the site where Madonna is building a school she’s raised over fifteen million dollars for. The scene looked very hopeful and exciting for all involved, with the exception of Lourdes, who looked bored and maybe even a little embarrassed, hope that the girl might actually just be a normal teenager with an abnormal mother. I mean, doesn’t Lola look like her mom is dragging her along to a luncheon at the country club when she’d rather be at the mall with her girlfriends? There’s something refreshing about that teenage angst, I’ll tell ya.

Madonna’s neighbor is suing her for playing her music too loudly and shaking the walls of the building with dancing. The building’s board has already threatened to evict Madge over the noise complaints.

At first I thought these neighbors should just pull the sticks out of their asses. If Madonna was my neighbor and she was throwing a party, I’d just make a nice deal with her that I get to show up and pound wheat grass kabbalahtinis with famous people in exchange for putting up with all the noise. “Accidentally” tossing half-digested wheat grass all over Jesus Luz would totally be worth the hassle.

But it turns out the noise isn’t coming from parties, but from rehearsal sessions. She’s been using her apartment as a rehearsal studio for at least 3 hours a day, which means that the loud music is of the start, stop, and repeat variety, and the shaking walls the result of hairless doods with sculpted thighs not landing their grand jetés properly.

Did I mention that the neighbor filing the lawsuit lives upstairs from Madge? That’s  some serious man-quad induced seismic activity.

“And, of course, here you go: I still love her.  But she’s retarded, too.”

Guy Ritchie in an Esquire magazine interview talking about — who else? — his matronly ex, Madonna.

Can you imagine how angry Madge was after reading that?  I can’t confirm this, but I hear she was so outraged that she ate an entire carrot stick chased down by not one, but two bottles of Kabbalah water.

And of course, they make out at the end. Well… almost.

I think Gaga totally outshone Madge in the comedic acting department. But hey, when you’re that famous, you don’t have to be funny. People will still cheer for you.

The ever humble Madonna couldn’t help but notice that everyone had their eyes on her on her recent tour. How observant! The audience was watching who they probably paid too much to see! She’s always been a sharp one, that Madge.

However, what stuck out to pop icon was how many other pop icons seemed to be taking notes at her shows. In an interview this morning with Ryan Seacrest, she said “I was getting super-sharp looks from Jennifer Lopez…Whenever artists come to see my show, they’re studying me”

Is there a feud between the two? Who knows, but I think it’s a pretty well known fact that Madonna is one of the most emulated people in the history of entertainment. I’ve never heard her take issue with the Britneys and Katy Perry’s of the world. Is Madonna just figuring out her influence on the biz or is this just her not-so-subtle way of reminding everyone?

Madonna went all Oprah on us and returned to The Late Show with David Letterman last night to mend old, broken fences with Dave-O.

Whenever Madonna is on a talk-show, every thing she says, every little joke, sounds so rehearsed.  Letterman’s guests are briefed ahead of time on the topics that will be discussed; this is nothing new.  Madonna throws out her “passive-aggressive funny quip” followed by a eyebrow raise and pointed look to the audience.  I think it just proves what a bad actress Madonna is.

You know what’s really good about Madonna, though?  Her body.  She’s like some totally fit, macrobiotic nun.  And last night, Sister Vegan went to a New York City pizzeria for the first time.  Yes, folks.  We are supposed to believe that Madonna, who came to NYC as a starving dancer when she was 19 years old, has never eaten a piece of pizza in the city.  Whatever, Madge.

According to reports, Madonna had a 27-calorie bite of cheeseless pizza and spent the rest of the night strapped to a Pilates machine.

Madge put on her best granny bloomers with lace overlay and took the kids out for a boat ride in Portofino, Italy yesterday, in celebration of her 51st birthday.  

Lourdes is looking so grown up and David and Mercy look like they’re adjusting well to their new and exciting lifestyle.  Jesus Luz has completed his primary education and is looking forward to … oh, sorry.  Oops.  Um, Madonna’s boyfriend Jesus Luz was also there.

Oh, and I can’t wait for the video.  Lourdes is debuting in it!

Madonna was quick to release a statement:  “I am devastated to have just received this tragic news.  My prayers go out to those who were injured and their families, along with my deepest sympathy to all those affected by this heartbreaking news.”

Sunday’s Marseilles concert has been cancelled.