Her so-called acting career may be largely a thing of the past, but at least her body is bangin’. Claire Danes and some ass-kicking thighs showed up to the NYC screening of her new film Me and Orson Welles last night, and I have to admit this is the best I’ve seen her look in years. To be frank, I liked her best with bright orange hair and a be-flanneled, eyeliner-free Jordan Catalano, but I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that we will never again get Jared Leto out of makeup.

Also there: Lydia Hearst, who needs sunshine and a cookie, stat. Really she looks like she just stumbled off the set of New Moon, with Dakota Fanning possibly being trafficked inside her skirt.

I haven’t had the opportunity to tell you guys that I saw New Moon last night and hated it. Chris Weitz was absolutely the wrong director — they never should have let Catherine Hardwicke go — and, despite my undying love for Taylor Lautner, I understand now why they wanted to replace him. Watching him play “angry werewolf” was excruciating. My date — who had never heard of Twilight before I asked him to take me — emailed me this morning implying that I need to put out in the immediate future in exchange for making him go to the “naked boy wolf movie.” It was one of those firmly worded “you owe me” emails. And he’s right.

Lastly, Zac Efron, who really ought to talk to his optometrist about getting new contacts that won’t irritate his eyes. Poor thing can’t stop squinting.

Oh, what’s that? She always looks like that? Huh. Well, I guess she has to be better than Paris Hilton at something, right? The Other Heiress hosted a Halloween shindig at 1OAK, and no one famous showed up who wasn’t related to her, but that didn’t stop little ol’ Lydia from posing up a storm in her series of costumes. Honestly, I don’t even know what these costumes are. The first one? Might be some sort of journalist. Ah ha ha ha! Oh, Lydia. Look at you! Making fun of those paparazzi who soullessly hound you after you have your people call in tips. All that horrid attention that you in no way beg for. Oh, what a sense of humor you have, young lady! And the second one? WTF? Is that a wood nymph? Oh, God, that’s totally what I should have been. “I’m a wood nymph, yo. Get it? I’m a total nymph, and I give you wood. GET IT???”

As a result of the article titled “Blood Dispute” in the October 24th issue of Page Six, I am compelled to resign from my position as Freelance Journalist for Page Six Magazine.

I did not, and would not, write such an article as the one to appear as my Page Six magazine column in this Sunday’s Post.

To avoid hard feelings and break clean, I expect you to put my resignation, and my reason for it, in Page Six (newspaper) at the same time to coincide with the Sunday magazine column.

I can no longer continue my association as a journalist.

Regretfully,

Lydia Hearst

Heiress (and now-former columnist) Lydia Hearst, in her resignation letter. Hearst is referencing an item from her column last week (which I quoted on this site) in which she blasts her company’s partying policies. Hearst claims she wrote no such thing.

“Hearst Corporation, which my family owns, continues to host parties even as it folds magazines like CosmoGirl. It seems excessive … At least Hearst recently cancelled the company Christmas bash. It’s time to work through this crisis, not party through it.”

Renowned business guru Lydia Hearst, in her Sunday column in Page Six magazine.

Lydia Hearst — the socialite, the heiress, the malnourished — took to the catwalk to walk for Mark Bouwer’s spring collection this week, and, you gotta admit, this girl knows how to give face. It’s not that Lydia hasn’t been around forever — she has — but she’s always been kind of eclipsed by Paris Hilton. But Paris is lying low these days, as are so many of our former tabloid favorites, and it’s interesting to watch this new group of girls jostling for position as we prepare to elect a new homecoming court in the gossip world.

Thanks to Lindsay and Samantha (with an assist by Tila and Courtenay), being gay is like the hottest new accessory for women this season. Lesbianism is the new small dog.

Enter Z-listers Aubrey O’Day and Lydia Hearst, sucking face outside Butter in NYC last night.

I’m sure this is totally true love. But I’d know for sure if they’d write it on their T-shirts.

First she dated Cisco Adler, then she dyed her hair blond, and now — as Paris is trekking the world hawking those Samantha Thavasa bags — the publishing heiress has signed on to rep Puma’s bags.

What’s next, Lydia? A jail stay?

The perpetually redheaded model/socialite/Cisco Adler bedmate was ready for a change of pace, I guess.

This actually doesn’t look bad, but I think she’s hotter as a redhead.

Model/heiress Lydia Hearst and on-and-off boyfriend Cisco Adler have gone and got matching tattoos! How does this guy land chicks like this??? This is the same guy who’s hooked up with Mischa Barton and Paris Hilton, among others.

They each got a skeleton key design engraved on them early last week, before showing up in costume (she as Wonder Woman, he in drag) to a tequila-soaked pre-Halloween bash at Los Angeles nightclub Hyde.

“Lydia cryptically said that they are a symbol of a new way of life,” a friend explained.

Money can buy all the skeleton key tattoos in the world, but I guess it still can’t buy class.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.