Lydia Hearst — the socialite, the heiress, the malnourished — took to the catwalk to walk for Mark Bouwer’s spring collection this week, and, you gotta admit, this girl knows how to give face. It’s not that Lydia hasn’t been around forever — she has — but she’s always been kind of eclipsed by Paris Hilton. But Paris is lying low these days, as are so many of our former tabloid favorites, and it’s interesting to watch this new group of girls jostling for position as we prepare to elect a new homecoming court in the gossip world.

Thanks to Lindsay and Samantha (with an assist by Tila and Courtenay), being gay is like the hottest new accessory for women this season. Lesbianism is the new small dog.

Enter Z-listers Aubrey O’Day and Lydia Hearst, sucking face outside Butter in NYC last night.

I’m sure this is totally true love. But I’d know for sure if they’d write it on their T-shirts.

First she dated Cisco Adler, then she dyed her hair blond, and now — as Paris is trekking the world hawking those Samantha Thavasa bags — the publishing heiress has signed on to rep Puma’s bags.

What’s next, Lydia? A jail stay?

The perpetually redheaded model/socialite/Cisco Adler bedmate was ready for a change of pace, I guess.

This actually doesn’t look bad, but I think she’s hotter as a redhead.

Model/heiress Lydia Hearst and on-and-off boyfriend Cisco Adler have gone and got matching tattoos! How does this guy land chicks like this??? This is the same guy who’s hooked up with Mischa Barton and Paris Hilton, among others.

They each got a skeleton key design engraved on them early last week, before showing up in costume (she as Wonder Woman, he in drag) to a tequila-soaked pre-Halloween bash at Los Angeles nightclub Hyde.

“Lydia cryptically said that they are a symbol of a new way of life,” a friend explained.

Money can buy all the skeleton key tattoos in the world, but I guess it still can’t buy class.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.