Lindsay Lohan Voicemails from ANIMALnewyork.com on Vimeo.

Oh, Lord. So, about a year ago, Lindsay Lohan posted her phone number on her Facebook page. She only had about 100 friends at the time, but the number got into some unsavory hands. Then she made the mistake of making her voicemail password 1234. So it was really only a matter of time before someone called up and checked her voicemails. And then put them on the Internet. And that’s what we have above here.

It’s people asking for favors, complete strangers calling to tell her how much they love her and ask if she’d want to hang out some time, drunk dialers, and, the coup de grace, her father. The inimitable Michael Lohan calls several times to say hi, complain because sis Ali refuses to meet with him, and by the way he just bought a CD at the 7-11 and it has one of her tracks on it. He holds the phone up to the stereo for a good long time to prove that he’s listening to her actual music.

It’s amusing stuff, and part of me wonders if Lindsay isn’t somehow behind this herself. It all sounds just a little fishy to me, and I wouldn’t put it past Linds to pull something like this as a publicity stunt. I mean, really, does anyone actually use 1234 as their voicemail password?

Uh-oh, guys.  It looks like Lindsay’s Twitter account was hacked again!  And when I say “hacked” what I really mean is “not hacked.”  

I don’t do cocaine I’m not fluent in Lindsay-speak, but I think it’s clear that she was Tweeting and Sam was replying via text.  Listen, I don’t know what the fuck these messages mean.  Obviously, Sam has been saying Lindsay is “gross” which is the best news I’ve heard all day.

I do know that I’ll be using the word “substanisan” — I’ve decided that it can be defined as “below Afghanistan” — all day long.  As in:  ”How much lower can Lindsay sink before getting back to Cirque Lodge?  She’s substanisan already.”

There was talk at the beginning of the summer that Lindsay Lohan was in talks with design house Emmanuel Ungaro to come on as an artistic consultant.  Well the head designer who was having kittens over the prospect is out — and Linds is in.

After the July departure of Esteban Cortazar, the top guy at Ungaro who vehemently opposed Lohan joining the team, the company brought on relative unknown Estrella Archs to team up with relative too-known Lindsay Lohan.  The goal is catch the eye and wallet of a younger demographic in hopes of saving the struggling label.

Mounir Moufarrige, Ungaro’s chief executive officer, is already relishing the prospect of that image running in newspapers and on Web sites around the world, bringing a lightning bolt of attention — good, bad or otherwise — to a French brand that has severely lacked it as it endured a revolving door of designers and lackluster collections. 

“Odds are it could work,” Moufarrige said, disclosing the appointments exclusively to WWD. “Everything we’re going to get is going to be a plus. I think the noise level around Lindsay will be very, very big.” 

What does this mean for Linds’ stalkers?  Well, for one thing, it means that she’s dressing a hell of a lot better when she’s seen out and about.  I put up a few pics of the designer/singer/producer/model taken this weekend  She seems to have branched out from flannel shirts and leggings.  Bras are still presenting a challenge for her at this time.

I’d like to apologize to all the Lindsay Lohan lovers out there for not reporting this sooner; clearly I’ve been lax.  Saturday night Linds went to Crown Bar which, let’s face it, isn’t exactly breaking news.  Here’s the problem:  Somehow, she managed to smuggle her 15-year-old sister into the club.  A club owner posing as a witness in hopes that he doesn’t lose his liquor license witness offered this account:  ”They stayed at the club for an hour. They were with a couple of friends. They were both happy and bubbly. Ali drank water and Lindsay drank red bull [sic] . They hung out at their table while dancing to the beats….I guess Samantha wasn’t invited. They left at 1am.”

Obviously the witness can’t discern the difference between water and, say, vodka?

Those Lohan parents just never learn, do they?

Lindsay Lohan is usually associated with being somewhat of a camera whore, so her sheepish behavior at a shopping mall in Beverly Hills yesterday seems a little bit bizarre. I mean, this is a woman whose vagina we’ve “accidentally” seen, someone we’ve watched have a three AM brawl with her girlfriend knowing full-well that the paparazzi was recording every moment, and now she’s acting shy? Maybe Lindsay, like 90s pop star Monica, was just having “one of those days” or maybe she’s grief stricken about the passing of her friend DJ AM. Either way, this behavior is uncharacteristic.

From the Chicago Sun-Times gossip column:

I’ve learned the real reason Lindsay Lohan is so upset about the theft of the safe from her L.A. house is the contents included some very incriminating videos and photos, plus legal documents, that LiLo believes could cause embarrassment if made public.

OMG incriminating videos and photos? Will she be having sex? Doing drugs? Calling Paris Hilton a cunt?

Hopefully all of the above! But it would be nothing new to us! I’m not sure what Lindsay Lohan thinks can still be released that will be freshly embarrassing.

Oh, and also from that same column …

Hollywood insiders believe Katherine Heigl may be expecting her first child with hubby Josh Kelley.

Uhhh, is that Hollywood insider supposed to be me? Because I called that shit two days ago, thank you very much.

It’s not like Lindsay Lohan is ever home — she spends her nights weeping on the front step of Samantha Ronson’s home — but it hasn’t stopped a trail of unsavory traffic from breaking into her home.  The neighbors want Lohan out.  “The truth is that this is a very quiet neighborhood and there have been no break-ins apart from at Lindsay Lohan’s house.  Since she moved in last November it has been a nightmare with all the paparazzi parking in our driveways waiting for her.  This is a really narrow and winding street and I’m amazed there has not been a more serious accident.  I’ve got nothing personal against her but she needs to find a home in a gated community with security at the main gate because all the residents are fed-up with the situation.”

Poor Lindsay!  There’s just nowhere for her to go, is there? Since these home break-ins seem to be directly targeted on Lindsay, and the neighbor also said it seemed like an inside job, I wonder what these people are looking for?  Drugs? Money?

Linds and a few of her friends packed up some personal possessions on Sunday and left the house.  There goes the neighborhood … heaving a sigh of relief.