Linds and Donatella Versace cuddled at the Whitney Museum gala last night in New York City.  Donatella is a walking, talking representation of a more mature Lindsay.  All LL needs to do is stare into the unmoving face of Donatella to see her own fate as it will occur in about three years.  Neutral dress?  Check.  Scarecrow hair?  Check.  Paralyzed facial muscles?  Check.  Long-standing love of coke?  Check.  Huge career in fashion?  Eh, maybe not.

More pics in the gallery of these two intertwined train wrecks.

Lindsay’s parents continue to thrust and parry at one another (all through the media, natch!) while their daughter continues her decline.  The newest in the endless volumes of Lohan-gate surround Dina.  In response to Michael’s threat to stage an intervention for LL, Dina responded in a People interview:

Dina lashed back Saturday, telling PEOPLE: “Michael Lohan needs to focus on being a parent, paying child support, of which he is six months behind, and making up for all the years he was an absentee dad. And stop going on national television talking about his children publicly.”

Daddy Lohan won’t hear any of it and plans to try for a conservatorship so that he can have control over Lindsay’s life and business dealings.  He basically thinks he’s Jamie Spears.

A source told the magazine, “”Lindsay is actively getting a restraining order, her lawyer have already been contacted.  She’s scared. This is really serious.”

You know what I find really serious?  Reports that Linds was at the club Voyeur last night, making out with Balthazar “I’m Done With Sienna Miller” Getty.

As I mentioned earlier, Linds had a court appearance scheduled today so she could explain why she has missed a bunch of her substance abuse classes and counseling sessions.  Uh, helllllllllo your Honor?  LL can’t be expected to deal with her addiction.  She is far too busy crying on Sam Ron’s doorstep and sewing all those little sequins onto Ungaro’s pasties to deal with court-ordered actions.

This will be no shocker, but the judge gave Lohan another year of probation so that she’ll have the opportunity to miss more classes.  Oh, I mean make up missed classes.  Lindsay asked permission to go to New York next week for a charity function — can you imagine how busy her probation officer is, trying to keep track of all her travelling and potential violations?

If there is any silver lining, the district attorney has promised to throw LL in the slammer for another 84 minutes the next time she fucks up.

LL will be in court today.  She’s still on probation from her DUIs and coke charges if you can fathom it.  She still manages to be a train wreck both domestically and abroad, but she’s on probation (after she spent that harrowing 84 minutes in jail).  Ah, celebrity privilege.

Anyway, the judge is checking up on her compliance with probation terms surrounding her required substance abuse program.  Lohan is in a program?  Unless it’s called “The Art of Prescription Pills” I find that hard to believe.  Basically, the court is looking for a progress report on Linds which should be clearly evident just by looking at her.  Unwashed hair plus overuse of tanner, black leggings and face filler multiplied by the amount of times her Twitter account has been hijacked equals “Save This Girl From Herself”.  It’s simple math.

Lindsay has finally explained that fuckfest of a fashion flop, better known as the Ungaro collection that she helped create.  As it turns out, she isn’t just some directionless “actress” who thought she could throw her name on a label and have it be successful — actually, that’s exactly the case — she just ran out of time.

That makes sense to me.  After all, when you’re pressed for time, churning out a collection of sequined and heart-shaped pasties, nipple tassels (though LL claims she didn’t know about those ahead of time) and ill-fitting, unimaginative frocks that make you the laughingstock of the fashion world seems to be the obvious action plan.  Fear not, though.  Ungaro is letting Linds fuck up another season’s worth of clothes.  “I am going back to Paris for the next collection….I am learning.  It’s already in January.  I thought it was in March.”

Ha ha ha I’d totally write something more but I’m laughing too hard at my own headline.

Okay but seriously people help me finish this sentence:

“Samantha Ronson secretly stayed with Lindsay Lohan in Singapore and ____________________ .”

Your imaginative responses go in the comments.

It’s reassuring to see that nothing has changed while I was away.  Sure, Lindsay may have finally switched over to her lindsaylohan account name (and I don’t blame her for trying to distance herself from that other ID that forever linked her with that DayGlo spray tanner in a can, sevinnyne6126), but other than that, I see she’s still sharing her angst with the Twitterverse.

In today’s installment of Lindsanity, the actress laments the mutual but impossible love that she shares with Samantha Ronson.  Two star-crossed lovers who can’t be together due to Sam’s disapproving family — a family comprised of a Grammy-winning music exec and a well-established clothing designer who apparently “hate” Sam’s ability to work a turntable.  What’s a talentless, singer/actress/model/director/fashion consultant/fame whore/stalker to do?