Lindsay Lohan and Paula Abdul were canoodling last night at Richard Branson’s Rock the Kasbah party — oh who even cares where they were? — and seemed quite chatty.  Can you even imagine what a conversation between these two would sound like?

LL:  Hi, Paula.  I’m a really big fan.  I hope to attain your level of tolerance celebrity one day.

PA:  Linds!  Rock on!  You just *unintelligible slur* need to believe in yourself.  Don’t ever forget that!

LL:  I know.  I’m working too hard.  I’m a workaholic and now that I’m a designer, I just find the work so exhausting.  No rest is really making my *sniff* allergies act up.

PA:  Well … uh … you just gotta believe in *unintelligible slur* who you are and who you are is beautiful.  Don’t ever forget that!

Remember how Lindsay was “hired” as a creative consultant at Ungaro?  And remember how the collection showed at Fashion Week and was pure, sequined, heart-shaped crap?  Um, LL did that for free.

Yeah, the details are out today and it turns out that the creative consultant gig was not a paid gig.  It’s funny to me that she was trashing Ungaro’s already tarnished image and wasn’t even being paid for it, save some free clothes.

Well, at least she has her music career to fall back on.  Oh, wait … she just got dropped from her record label.  Oh, dear.

Rachel J. Lee, a 19 year old from Calabasas, CA, along with several of her girlfriends, has been arrested for breaking in to and then looting the closets of several celebrity homes in the past year. Lindsay Lohan, Audrina Patridge, Paris Hilton , Orlando Bloom and Kourtney Kardashian have all had similar break-ins occur at their houses– there were no electronics stolen (which is usually the first thing a burglar would grab), mainly clothing, jewelry and handbags. Not exactly the most lucrative loot jobs, basically.

This isn’t the first time Lee’s been motivated to break the law for vanity sake either. A couple years ago she was caught shoplifting from Sephora. OK, so that’s a little different than finding someone’s home via star maps and the internet and then checking their appearance schedule to best guess what time they’d be out of the house and then breaking in and stealing all their clothes, but there’s a theme here. Also, it probably doesn’t do Rachel a whole lot of good that she’s high school pals with the man formally charged with the Lohan and Patridge burglaries.

It kinda makes me sad to think about these girls so desperate to dress like a celebrity that they actually steal their clothing. The materialism disgusts me. What’s wrong with some $24 shoes from T.J. Maxx and a Hanes v-neck and the jeans with the tiny hole ripped in the ass because you’ve had them for so long? These girls are 18 and 19 years old, they should be running around topless, celebrating their young bodies and free minds. But no! They’re taking the easy way out and breaking in to multi-million dollar homes owned by celebrities they admire and stealing their t-shirts and headbands. Teenagers are so bad these days, you guys. I can’t handle it. They should be at the beach.

Linds and Donatella Versace cuddled at the Whitney Museum gala last night in New York City.  Donatella is a walking, talking representation of a more mature Lindsay.  All LL needs to do is stare into the unmoving face of Donatella to see her own fate as it will occur in about three years.  Neutral dress?  Check.  Scarecrow hair?  Check.  Paralyzed facial muscles?  Check.  Long-standing love of coke?  Check.  Huge career in fashion?  Eh, maybe not.

More pics in the gallery of these two intertwined train wrecks.

Lindsay’s parents continue to thrust and parry at one another (all through the media, natch!) while their daughter continues her decline.  The newest in the endless volumes of Lohan-gate surround Dina.  In response to Michael’s threat to stage an intervention for LL, Dina responded in a People interview:

Dina lashed back Saturday, telling PEOPLE: “Michael Lohan needs to focus on being a parent, paying child support, of which he is six months behind, and making up for all the years he was an absentee dad. And stop going on national television talking about his children publicly.”

Daddy Lohan won’t hear any of it and plans to try for a conservatorship so that he can have control over Lindsay’s life and business dealings.  He basically thinks he’s Jamie Spears.

A source told the magazine, “”Lindsay is actively getting a restraining order, her lawyer have already been contacted.  She’s scared. This is really serious.”

You know what I find really serious?  Reports that Linds was at the club Voyeur last night, making out with Balthazar “I’m Done With Sienna Miller” Getty.

As I mentioned earlier, Linds had a court appearance scheduled today so she could explain why she has missed a bunch of her substance abuse classes and counseling sessions.  Uh, helllllllllo your Honor?  LL can’t be expected to deal with her addiction.  She is far too busy crying on Sam Ron’s doorstep and sewing all those little sequins onto Ungaro’s pasties to deal with court-ordered actions.

This will be no shocker, but the judge gave Lohan another year of probation so that she’ll have the opportunity to miss more classes.  Oh, I mean make up missed classes.  Lindsay asked permission to go to New York next week for a charity function — can you imagine how busy her probation officer is, trying to keep track of all her travelling and potential violations?

If there is any silver lining, the district attorney has promised to throw LL in the slammer for another 84 minutes the next time she fucks up.

LL will be in court today.  She’s still on probation from her DUIs and coke charges if you can fathom it.  She still manages to be a train wreck both domestically and abroad, but she’s on probation (after she spent that harrowing 84 minutes in jail).  Ah, celebrity privilege.

Anyway, the judge is checking up on her compliance with probation terms surrounding her required substance abuse program.  Lohan is in a program?  Unless it’s called “The Art of Prescription Pills” I find that hard to believe.  Basically, the court is looking for a progress report on Linds which should be clearly evident just by looking at her.  Unwashed hair plus overuse of tanner, black leggings and face filler multiplied by the amount of times her Twitter account has been hijacked equals “Save This Girl From Herself”.  It’s simple math.