OMG, Michael Lohan is such a dickwad. Unbelievable dickwad. He released these audio tapes of his daughter sobbing hysterically on the phone as “proof” that she needs help and is in a “fragile state.”

Lindsay claimed on her Twitter that the tapes are several years old and that Michael edited them.

I don’t know if that’s true or not, but what this sounds like to me is the voice of a very sad young woman who’s calling her father for support. Lord knows that, on really rough days, I’ve called my own father sounding like that. Not because I was on drugs, not because I needed an intervention, not because I needed the media butting into my life, but because, ya know, people have really rough days, and they lean on their parents during those days. And the fact that Michael recorded and released something like this is BEYOND despicable. He’s just the lowest form of human life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — it’s a goddamn wonder Lindsay turned out as well as she did with this slime in her life as a role model. My heart completely breaks for her.

Lindsay, I’ll amend your tweet: Your father needs lessons in how to be a fucking HUMAN.

“I am going to go to court to get a legal conservatorship to get Lindsay into rehab and finally get her off all the prescription meds. [Wife] Dinais going to sit down with me and the lawyers and make things right for Lindsay. She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

Michael Lohan– we should really start a “Guess Who Said It?” feature here at EB.  Even if I deleted the names, would there have been any question who said this?  – continuing to protect his daughter’s privacy by telling Entertainment Tonight that his daughter looks like a centenarian.

There are no words to describe Lindsay Lohan’s promotional shots for her leggings line, 6126. Oh, except for trashy, whorey, tacky, cheap, gross, pathetic, desperate, lame, awful, unflattering, coked-out looking, scary, demented and awful. What I meant to say is that there are no words except for those words. The shots, which supposedly were taken by some big deal la-de-da photographer and styled by his ex-lover, are terribly unflattering for Lohan and make the leggings look cheap, which is ironic because they are anything but, cost-wise. A pair of those can set you back over 100 bucks. What recession, right?! I’m going to buy me some whore leggings with holes already cut up! Funny money for days!

“It could be a year, a month, a week – who knows?

– Michael Lohan on how soon he expects his daughter to die now that she’s supposedly addicted to various prescription medicines.

Lindsay Lohan and Paula Abdul were canoodling last night at Richard Branson’s Rock the Kasbah party — oh who even cares where they were? — and seemed quite chatty.  Can you even imagine what a conversation between these two would sound like?

LL:  Hi, Paula.  I’m a really big fan.  I hope to attain your level of tolerance celebrity one day.

PA:  Linds!  Rock on!  You just *unintelligible slur* need to believe in yourself.  Don’t ever forget that!

LL:  I know.  I’m working too hard.  I’m a workaholic and now that I’m a designer, I just find the work so exhausting.  No rest is really making my *sniff* allergies act up.

PA:  Well … uh … you just gotta believe in *unintelligible slur* who you are and who you are is beautiful.  Don’t ever forget that!

Remember how Lindsay was “hired” as a creative consultant at Ungaro?  And remember how the collection showed at Fashion Week and was pure, sequined, heart-shaped crap?  Um, LL did that for free.

Yeah, the details are out today and it turns out that the creative consultant gig was not a paid gig.  It’s funny to me that she was trashing Ungaro’s already tarnished image and wasn’t even being paid for it, save some free clothes.

Well, at least she has her music career to fall back on.  Oh, wait … she just got dropped from her record label.  Oh, dear.

Rachel J. Lee, a 19 year old from Calabasas, CA, along with several of her girlfriends, has been arrested for breaking in to and then looting the closets of several celebrity homes in the past year. Lindsay Lohan, Audrina Patridge, Paris Hilton , Orlando Bloom and Kourtney Kardashian have all had similar break-ins occur at their houses– there were no electronics stolen (which is usually the first thing a burglar would grab), mainly clothing, jewelry and handbags. Not exactly the most lucrative loot jobs, basically.

This isn’t the first time Lee’s been motivated to break the law for vanity sake either. A couple years ago she was caught shoplifting from Sephora. OK, so that’s a little different than finding someone’s home via star maps and the internet and then checking their appearance schedule to best guess what time they’d be out of the house and then breaking in and stealing all their clothes, but there’s a theme here. Also, it probably doesn’t do Rachel a whole lot of good that she’s high school pals with the man formally charged with the Lohan and Patridge burglaries.

It kinda makes me sad to think about these girls so desperate to dress like a celebrity that they actually steal their clothing. The materialism disgusts me. What’s wrong with some $24 shoes from T.J. Maxx and a Hanes v-neck and the jeans with the tiny hole ripped in the ass because you’ve had them for so long? These girls are 18 and 19 years old, they should be running around topless, celebrating their young bodies and free minds. But no! They’re taking the easy way out and breaking in to multi-million dollar homes owned by celebrities they admire and stealing their t-shirts and headbands. Teenagers are so bad these days, you guys. I can’t handle it. They should be at the beach.