I’ve had a weird fascination with Courtenay Semel ever since she was on that random TV show where they made spoiled rich kids drive cattle. I think it has something to do with the way her first name is spelled. I just don’t think I’d be able to talk to her without being all like, “Heeeeey, Court-e-naaaaaay.” Also it’s a neat coincidence that the last sound there is “neigh” and she kind of looks like a horse. That was mean. Pretend I didn’t say it.

Anyway. Court’s on the cover of lesbo-riffic mag Curve this month, and what would she talk about if not her (non-) relationship with Lindsay Lohan? Oh, right, and that rehab stint earlier this year:

“I always said you’ll never see me get a DUI, you’ll never see me falling drunk out of a club, you’ll never see me get arrested, you’ll never see that side of me and unfortunately, it did happen. I did take responsibility for my actions. … But, at the same time, I think, you know, everyone scrutinizes, Lindsay for everything she went through, but they should thank her, because it shows you exactly what not to do … I would like to say that Lindsay and I would make a really hot couple, but unfortunately we were best friends and the media kind of ruined that relationship. Let’s put it this way, it’s kind of like another one of … my little frenemies out there was protecting their own self and their own relationship and threw us under the bus. But, for me, it was like, I would go to an event and they would start to say, ‘So you and Lindsay aren’t friends anymore,’ and I’m like, ‘Oh, really? That’s news to me.’”

Ummmm, is that Courtenay Semel accusing Samantha Ronson of planting rumors in the press? That’s sure what it sounds like to me.

My Lord, I’m so glad I’m not famous. These people are terrible.

More pics of the twosome in happier days (late 2007-ish) are in the gallery.

Oh, Lindsay.  Stupid, stupid little powder nose Lindsay.  When will you learn?  You really just aren’t relevant enough anymore to be acting like an A-lister.  Hell, another six months and you’ll be lucky to get a guest spot on celebrity Extreme Home Makeover.  (Linds, stop huffing the house paint!)

We all know that LL has a penchant for taking things that aren’t hers.  Jewels and fur coats and people’s hard-earned sobriety all disappear in the wake of Lindsay.  On November 6th, the “actress” was drinking at Crown Bar in L.A. and threw a bitchfit when asked to pay for her drinks.

It all started when she stormed, uninvited, into the kitchen to help herself to two bottles of very expensive champagne.  She and a friend finished them off and then were presented with a bill.  Lohan started making a scene.  A source who witnessed the mayhem at 2:30 a.m. said  ”She was yelling at him and screaming profanities at everyone. The bar insisted she pay, so she had to call a friend with her credit-card information.  She was crying and wanted to go home. She kept saying ‘I don’t pay for drinks! This is ridiculous! I’m freaking out!’ ”

God, I know lots of celebs have a sense of entitlement, but can you imagine just going where you want, when you want and not bringing any money because you’re just that sure that your food/drink will be comped?  Truly, Lindsay, you need to get a job so you can pay your bar tabs.  A really well-paying job, I might add.

Remember when Tara Reid got really, really sad about five or six years ago and there was all that paparazzi footage of her being rejected from Teddy’s or some other similar club everywhere and she was the laughing stock of LA. Well, the reason why those photos/videos were so sad is because pretty much anyone knows that if you are the right person or if you know the right person, you can get in just about anywhere in LA.

Last night, however, Lindsay Lohan couldn’t make it in to an LA club with her friends and was asked to leave. There’s a lot more gallery photos where the one above came from, but for some reason the server is acting funky and I can’t get them up for you. But trust me: LA is over Lindsay Lohan. The velvet ropes have been lifted for that girl since she was 17 and look where it’s landed her? Standing outside of a bar, confronting the doorman on his refusal to let her and her pals grab a drink or “some conversation”.

Look, I’m a loser, and even I don’t have to stand in line. I want you guys to think about that.

God, this motherfucker is so goddamn insane. I mean, really, he’ll go down in the annals of history as being one of the most freakishly insane media figures of all time. Adolf Hitler is hopping around on hot coals in hell all like, “This Lohan guy’s a real asshole, right?”

It’s been a great week for Radar, which has been systematically releasing these completely evil taped phone conversations that Michael gave them. They released one yesterday of Lindsay’s old assistant, Jenni Muro, telling Michael about how she’s staying up all night, “trying to save your daughter’s life.” Jenni talks about Lindsay’s addiction to Samantha Ronson, about the dysfunctionality of their relationship, about how Lindsay doesn’t care about work and is generally a total trainwreck.

Then they released another call from mom Dina today. Dina talks about how Lindsay was dating Heath Ledger when he died (ummm, really?) and admits that Lindsay has a problem with alcohol and drugs. (She blames Lindsay’s “DNA,” which I think is a shot at Michael’s own alcoholism.) She talks about how she’s grateful Lindsay doesn’t have a drivers license right now, and also talks a little about how obsessed she is with Samantha and how unhealthy their relationship is.

I have to say, I’m grateful to at least see that Dina realizes Lindsay has a problem. She spent so much time out in the media like, “My daughter’s fine, she’s not an alcoholic, she’s totally okay,” but I think now that was probably just a mother protecting her daughter the only way she knew how. It’s obvious this family is well aware that Lindsay has a drug and alcohol problem — they just don’t know what to do about it. And it all paints a picture of Lindsay as a very sad and scared young woman, which is no surprise. I hope she decides to get the help she needs before it’s too late.

Here’s some shots of Lindsay picking up food at Katsuya yesterday. I’ll take the skewered father over rice, please.

Well, she’s definitely no where close to being back to normal, but Lindsay Lohan actually looked pretty damn good after a shopping spree at Church in LA. Considering her father thinks she’s about to die and she’s recently broken up with her long-time love Samantha Ronson, she seems to be doing just fine. I mean, I’d give it about 24 hours until she’s looking like a dried up meth head again, but for about fifteen seconds yesterday, Lindsay was showing signs of her old self.

I’m just going to stop talking about the Lohan battle of the written word after today, because they have definitely entered Gosselin territory.  Michael Lohan released random, recorded phone call tapes to Radar Online and RO has deftly crafted a major “Exclusive Breaking News” type of story out of them.  Every.  Day.

If you’ve been smart enough to avoid all the updates, let me get you up to speed.  Michael wants Linds in rehab.  Linds doesn’t want to go.  Dina tried to get Linds to go.  Linds punched Dina in the face.  Michael thinks that cocaine God is punishing Linds, stripping her of her career, as retribution for all the lies she tells.  Lies that include Linds’ Twitter account of all the gory details of her parent’s marriage.  All of America doesn’t give a crapness about any of it and is actually craving a Gosselin brawl right about now.

In other words, the Lohans are fucking nuts.  Hollywood needs to capture this in a new reality show.  Like, they could lock all the Lohans in the Dr. Phil house for a long weekend — Gah!  Dr. Phil would love to get a piece of that action — and let them have at it (in front of cameras, of course) until a winner is declared.  And I think we all know who that winner would be:  Linds’ brother, Michael Lohan Jr. who is absolutely the sanest of that bunch.

Last night, Beet told us about the tapes Daddy Lohan released of a crying Lindsay.  It’s just such personal stuff, and you wonder how a parent can expose such material just to prove his “rightness.”  Wonder no more; he isn’t finished.  In today’s installment of “Michael Douchan is Telling the Truth”, he has released tapes — click here to listen — of Dina speaking to Michael in 2008 in which she claimed that when she tried to get Lindsay into rehab, LL punched her in the face.

I don’t know if any of these “revelations” will get Lindsay sober, but they sure as hell ensure that she’s probably never going to speak to her father again.

OMG, Michael Lohan is such a dickwad. Unbelievable dickwad. He released these audio tapes of his daughter sobbing hysterically on the phone as “proof” that she needs help and is in a “fragile state.”

Lindsay claimed on her Twitter that the tapes are several years old and that Michael edited them.

I don’t know if that’s true or not, but what this sounds like to me is the voice of a very sad young woman who’s calling her father for support. Lord knows that, on really rough days, I’ve called my own father sounding like that. Not because I was on drugs, not because I needed an intervention, not because I needed the media butting into my life, but because, ya know, people have really rough days, and they lean on their parents during those days. And the fact that Michael recorded and released something like this is BEYOND despicable. He’s just the lowest form of human life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — it’s a goddamn wonder Lindsay turned out as well as she did with this slime in her life as a role model. My heart completely breaks for her.

Lindsay, I’ll amend your tweet: Your father needs lessons in how to be a fucking HUMAN.

“I am going to go to court to get a legal conservatorship to get Lindsay into rehab and finally get her off all the prescription meds. [Wife] Dinais going to sit down with me and the lawyers and make things right for Lindsay. She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

Michael Lohan– we should really start a “Guess Who Said It?” feature here at EB.  Even if I deleted the names, would there have been any question who said this?  – continuing to protect his daughter’s privacy by telling Entertainment Tonight that his daughter looks like a centenarian.

There are no words to describe Lindsay Lohan’s promotional shots for her leggings line, 6126. Oh, except for trashy, whorey, tacky, cheap, gross, pathetic, desperate, lame, awful, unflattering, coked-out looking, scary, demented and awful. What I meant to say is that there are no words except for those words. The shots, which supposedly were taken by some big deal la-de-da photographer and styled by his ex-lover, are terribly unflattering for Lohan and make the leggings look cheap, which is ironic because they are anything but, cost-wise. A pair of those can set you back over 100 bucks. What recession, right?! I’m going to buy me some whore leggings with holes already cut up! Funny money for days!

“It could be a year, a month, a week – who knows?

– Michael Lohan on how soon he expects his daughter to die now that she’s supposedly addicted to various prescription medicines.

Lindsay Lohan and Paula Abdul were canoodling last night at Richard Branson’s Rock the Kasbah party — oh who even cares where they were? — and seemed quite chatty.  Can you even imagine what a conversation between these two would sound like?

LL:  Hi, Paula.  I’m a really big fan.  I hope to attain your level of tolerance celebrity one day.

PA:  Linds!  Rock on!  You just *unintelligible slur* need to believe in yourself.  Don’t ever forget that!

LL:  I know.  I’m working too hard.  I’m a workaholic and now that I’m a designer, I just find the work so exhausting.  No rest is really making my *sniff* allergies act up.

PA:  Well … uh … you just gotta believe in *unintelligible slur* who you are and who you are is beautiful.  Don’t ever forget that!