On Saturday, we will celebrate the birthday of the United States, and the freedoms we enjoy in this country — for some, it will be a sober occasion, with family and loved ones stationed overseas and at risk.

We can, however, expect absolutely zero sobriety today, as Lindsay Lohan celebrates her 23rd birthday. Remember when they let her out of rehab briefly to celebrate her 21st? And she had to drink water and Red Bull and stuff? NEVER AGAIN!

From all of us to you, Lindsay, happy birthday. Try not to die.

On another note, we’re taking some time off around here to celebrate the national holiday that is Lindsay’s birthday. And the Fourth of July, I suppose. I’ll be around here and there to cover breaking news, but Wendie and Kelly are taking a well-deserved break until Monday. Have a happy and safe holiday!

Lindsay “engaged” in some shopping in LA today — while sporting a ring on her left hand. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! I BET LINDSAY LOHAN IS ENGAGED!

Of course not. She’s looking for a way to tiptoe back into the spotlight after all the Michael Jackson hoopla. Mission accomplished.

Gotta admit, though, I love her outfit. I always do.

I didn’t even see this coming, but I think Lindsay Lohan is going to try her hand at stand-up comedy.  I was under the misguided impression that she was a dramatic actress, but then I read what she said in an interview to Britain’s OK Magazine:

It’s not that hard to be me, but I do work harder than most of my friends’ parents. I am the hardest-working person I know. I’m a workaholic. I don’t know what to do when I’m not working. I get creatively frustrated

I prefer to be making films. For most people - and for me, too - there’s something about going to the movies. It’s about being able to transform into different people and tell different stories. You can go to the movies if you’re depressed, and you can walk out later laughing. The fact that going into a theatre for two hours can do that is an amazing feeling.

To be the person who’s on that screen, who can make someone feel better, or bring out more emotion in someone, makes me feel really blessed that I’m able to do that. It’s just about finding the right roles, but when the time is right, they will come.

Lindsay doesn’t know what to do when she’s not working?  Sure she does!  Piles of coke are work, too!  And if there was a way that I could reach out to Linds, I would let her know that I, without a doubt, leave the theater laughing every time I go to a movie that she’s in.  Hysterical.  Hyena-like.  Laughter.

Lilo was in Las Vegas yesterday at a pool party to launch her tanning line Sevin Nyne. Hasn’t this crap been launched like, 5 times already? I’m not sure what the company is thinking, but the more times Lindsay shows up somewhere looking like this, that’s one less bottle of product they’re going to sell.

Even though her birthday isn’t until July 2nd, the shindig also morphed into a kind of birthday celebration for the Lo-ho– complete with disgruntled-looking chefs holding a giant cake and beeotches laughing at her behind her back while she stood by the pool and made her drunk face pose for the photogs.

Maybe it’s those  girls in the pool laughing at her, but somehow I’m genuinely starting to feel bad for this train wreck.

UPDATE: Thanks to a heads up from Wendie, we can now also be exposed to these snapshots that Lindsay uploaded to her Twitter account.

This is a variation of the Lindsay Lohan drunkface pose I like to call “Super Drunkface Scowl on a Bed.”

And…. her semi-sort-of-not-really tribute to Michael Jackson:

Dina Lohan has once again headed to the interview circuit to plea for her daughter’s privacy.  Because there’s really no better way to ensure anonymity than to be contacting all major media outlets.

Dina speaks of her daughter’s apparent inability to keep from being hacked.  “Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked.  This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof.”  Yes, Dina, the tabloids need to leave her alone.  And what better way than by you contacting People magazine to talk about your kid? 

Mother of the Year also defends her daughter in regards to the Elle U.K. jewel theft, saying that accusations are “defamatory, false and unfair.” 

Lindsay is such a victim.  Always and in every way.

“Lindsay and Paris hate not being on the covers of weeklies.  That’s why Lindsay has been causing so much havoc and pulling these antics. And why Paris had a big blow- up with Doug [Reinhardt].”

An unnamed source discussing Paris’ and Lindsay’s displeasure with the fame whores better known as the Gosselin family.

What’s new?

After drunk-tweeting a bunch of tragic nonsense late last night, Lindsay Lohan is blaming the incident on hackers.

“Stop trying to get onto my twitter page whoever you are! Its become extremely creepy!!!” she said in a tweet. “Just trying to clear the air! And I’m tired of changing my password every other day!”

Ummmm, Lindsay, let me be the first to do what no other media outlet seems to have the balls to do: Call outright bullshit on this. Hackers don’t go into a Twitter account and write that “I love being alone. Feels safe coz I can only trust myself…ya, sad. But I’m cool with it :) that’s y I share it with others in films.” No, Lindsay. That is not what hackers do. That is what you do when you’re wasted. You and technology and alcohol have been on a collision course for years now. Remember the “be adequate” email? No, of course you don’t, because you were wasted when you wrote it. You saw it in your outbox the next day. Which is just what happened with these tweets — you woke up this morning, checked your Twitter account, wondered what the hell you were thinking, panicked, and blamed it on hackers. You are lying, Lindsay.

Get sober.