Clubgoers at Las Vegas nightclub Enclave reported that a plastered Brooke Hogan showed up last night in what one guy described as “an utter state of hot drunkenness,” which is also now my knew favorite way to describe that phase of consciousness. At about two in the morning she hopped up on stage and stumbled all over herself to give an impromptu performance that included slurred lyrics and terrible, clumsy dancing, which is actually no different from any other Brooke Hogan performance.

So, she embarrassed herself– again, how is that any different from a normal Brooke Hogan musical performance– but she’s 21, so there wasn’t anything illegal about it.  I just hope for the sake of her daddy that she’s not going to start down the Lohan expressway to nowhere. Judging from the premature aging in the picture above (Brooke is on the right) she’s been putting some things in her system on a regular basis that aren’t good for her.

That whole family should probably go to rehab together.  Last week on the Joy Behar show, The Hulk talked about popping a few Xanax, staring at a bottle of booze with a gun in his hand, and contemplating suicide after his wife filed for divorce. He also commented that he could “understand” where O.J. Simpson was “coming from” and thought about “turning everything into a crime scene” and “slitting everybody’s throats.”

“I had a talk with her and I said, “I think everyone in America knows why I won’t accept Charlie.” But what people don’t know is that he’s a bad influence on her. She’s not staying as healthy as she should be. He’s 19, he can party his ass off. She’s 48. I said, “Mom, if you want to have a relationship with me you have to dump Charlie.” It’s not because of his age. If he were 5 years old and a good influence on her then that would better. But I’m just not happy with the situation because of their poor judgment — with what they do … I know there are things that could damage her health and make her get old really quick. I don’t want to see that happen. I’m trying to stick to the tough love thing. I’m just staying away until she wakes up. In order for me to keep my sanity, I have to love her from afar. We are totally different women. I’m straightlaced, don’t do drugs, stick to my regimen. It’s different there.”

Brooke Hogan, initiating Phase 2 of Operation Tough Love, coded Selling Out Mom’s Drug Habit to the Tabloids Because I Have a TV Show and an Album to Promote.

I have a Hulk Hogan story.  You won’t be impressed.  He once bumped into my mother at O’Hare airport while he was eating a chili dog.  The end.

A more impressive story?  According to a new Rolling Stone article, Hulk Hogan totally relates to spousicide.  It all started when Hulk’s wife Linda started doing “some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior.”   The demise of his marriage gave Hogan a whole new level of sympathy for O.J.:  “I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody’s throat.  You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife … I totally understand OJ. I get it.”

I’ve been through a divorce and a few ugly break-ups but I’ve never wanted to open somebody’s neck over it.  As a matter of fact, with the exception of Mischa Barton, I’ve never wanted anyone dead.  And I don’t really even want Mischa dead…maimed or retired perhaps, but not dead.

Anyway, note to LAPD:  If Linda Hogan ends up in a pool of blood and there is chili dog residue at the scene, you know who to call.

Sigh.

I got this in my inbox today — it’s a statement from Linda Hogan, in response to this.

I’ll just type it out here, in case you didn’t read that closely enough:

“Any threat from Ed Graziano would and is being taken very seriously. We all prey for John’s recovery. This kind of behavior is why John turned to us as a loving family and we made him one of our own. God Bless John.”

Yes, that’s right, while hundreds of thousands of Americans who know how to write in English are collecting unemployment and fruitlessly job-hunting, this dude is fully employed, issuing statements to the press that confuse “pray” and “prey.”

Linda should have her boyfriend proofread these things instead. At least he’s been to high school recently.

And, really, all spelling mistakes aside, who the hell uses such an awful and tragic situation to self-promote? Really, Linda?

I guess after spending a few months in solitary confinement in the slammer, not a lot of things in the free world bother you. Case in point: Nick Bollea was not phased by his middle-aged mother sucking face with her 19-year-old boyfriend, Charlie Hill, right next to him at Sundance.

Linda’s jailbird son Nick also attended the festival and seemed to have no problem with his mama consistently making out with (not to mention canoodling intimately with) her boyfriend who was actually his high school pal. Let’s just say their behavior would have been better left for an area of privacy rather than for the pedestrians of Park City.

Okay, I’m sorry, but I could not, as a fully grown woman, make out with somebody with that much acne. I mean, it’s not like this kid has a pimple or two. The entire left side of his face is erupting. How can she keep a straight face about this? It feels like the equivalent of me calling a friend and being like, “My boyfriend and I are running a little bit late. I’m teaching him how to tie his shoe today.”

Also spotted at Sundance: Headcase/heiress Courtenay Semel, sucking face at TAO with her girlfriend, headcase/heiress/adoptive fucking parent, Casey Johnson, who seems to have forgiven her for setting her hair on fire a couple weeks ago.

This image was the first thing my eyes focused on after rolling out of bed this morning.  If you applied for the weekend writing gig here at Evil Beet, you need to be aware of the occupational hazards.  It’s all fun and games until Linda Hogan has her support hose and pigtails on.  As if I wasn’t embarrassed enoughfor Linda , there’s a picture in the photo gallery of her kissing her stud.  She doesn’t need to read He’s Just Not That Into You, nor does she need to see the movie.  That picture is worth six words, Linda.  Pay attention.

Anyway, all the celebs are hanging around Park City, Utah, for the Sundance Film Festival.  Paris has been hanging around with Aubrey O’Day and her dog purse.  I can’t decide which accessory I find more offensive.  Christie Brinkley has been rejoicing with all her free stuff and Kevin Bacon has perfected his “I’m broke” face.  Danielle Fishel, super cute as Topanga on Boy Meets World, looks like a former Miss America and Zoe Kravitz goes to the top of my “Most Beautiful People Ever” list.

So I was reading about how Linda Bollea, soon to be ex of Hulk Hogan, is broke.  My initial thoughts were that Hulk’s conduct is horrible in this whole matter.  I mean, the average every day person would have to live a very modest lifestyle to exist on the $40,000 a year he’s paying her.  I couldn’t survive on that.  How is a celebrity with so many financial responsibilities supposed to?  House expenses, wardrobe, cars, surgeries…heh.  There is no way a household like that can be supported on such a small amount.  Not to mention that she was there back when he was just Terry Bollea.  Before all the fame and money.  And now his lawyer wants her to account for every penny she’s spent?  You know Hulk Hogan could be paying her so much more.  40K a year is nothing! 

And then I got all Paris Hilton with my reading skills and saw…she gets $40,000 a month???  Oh fuck you Linda.  Buy some Easy Mac, sell something on Ebay and deal until this months’ check arrives.