“Cubed” means to the third power, right?  Because I need to make sure that I’m using the right mathematical term to define the insanity that occurred last night at the Wiltern in Hollywood.  Lily Allen did a cover of Britney Spears’ “Womanizer” and danced with Lindsay Lohan.  I’m sorry, But Lily Allen and Lindsay Lohan singing and dancing to Britney Spears?  That is, just…tri-fuckery.

Oh, poor Lily.

We’re all so focused on Britney’s tour and Paris’s new romance and Lindsay’s new sunless tanner and who the hell is paying attention to Lily Allen right now?

We’ve been neglectful, folks, and now Lily is acting out.

When the paparazzi accidentally slammed into her car yesterday, Lily jumped out, threw a water bottle at one of them and then slugged another.

I’m sure Lily has a lot of regrets about this — mainly, that she didn’t have an umbrella handy.

Am I honestly supposed to feel sympathy for someone whose talent has recently been overshadowed by their own third “nipple”?

Lily Allen is claiming that she is a victim of the credit crunch. Times are SO hard she was forced to sell her BMW. She is totally keeping the Jamaican beach she purchased while drunk though.

Although her second album, It’s Not Me, It’s You, went to No.1 last month, as did her latest single, The Fear, it seems Lily isn’t rolling in it.

She laughed: “I had to sell my car because I’m so broke. I bought it last year and that was probably my biggest extravagance. Clothes, too. I’m always buying clothes.”

When your emergency financial decision is ‘do I sell my luxury vehicle or my private beach?’ you are not broke, and as someone who was, at times actual-2-dollars-in-my-bank-account broke in college I resent the implication that we’re on the same level. To rub it in a little further she decides to qualify her statement.

“I’m completely skint,” she said. “I can’t even spend on credit cards. I mean, I won’t be broke because I’ll get the royalties from the album and all the radio plays, but that takes about a year.”

If “I get a fat royalty check at the end of the year” is the new broke then sign me up PLEASE. Ugh. I hate celebrities sometimes.

“Well, he’s hot. He’s cute, isn’t he? I had a sleep-over two nights ago and he came along. Quite young, for me. What d’you wanna know? How big his cock is? It’s very nice.”

The irrepressible Lily Allen, talking about her burgeoning relationship with dancer Tom Dinsdale, in a new interview.

Lily also opens up about her penchant for strip clubs: “I signed my publishing deal at Stringfellows and had a private dance. One of the naked ones. It was really embarrassing. It’s quite awkward if you’re not attracted to women, and I’m not. I went to Spearmint Rhino the other day actually, for six hours. I’ve had lap dances there. It’s fun. I like having a chat with the strippers.”

I totally feel her on this one. Despite being a decidedly heterosexual woman, I love strip clubs. I have so much fun getting lap dances and getting to know the strippers. This is going to sound weird, but it’s almost like a female bonding experience. I dig it. I’ve always been really comfortable in strip clubs and with strippers. Plus I can never sleep with a man without telling anyone who’ll listen what his cock’s like.

I hate that the more I learn about Lily Allen, the more I realize how similar we are.

Lily posted this photo on her Twitter today … apparently she got a new tattoo! It’s on her index finger, and it says “Shhh…”

Rihanna has the same tattoo.

Word on the street is that La Lohan got the same tat, too — the two of them went together to Shamrock Tattoos in West Hollywood after a night of partying. SOUNDS HEALTHY!

Oh, and Lily also spent some time with Ellen Degeneres today, performing Britney Spears’ “Womanizer” for the talk show host’s “Bathroom Concert Series” bit. Video is below. The “Womanizer” thing starts around the 5:00 mark.

“Parents should say, ‘Drugs might seem fun, but they do funny things to your brain. Some people react to it good, some don’t. Try it and see what you think.’”

The wildly intelligent Lily Allen, the last person that I’ll be taking parenting advice from, enlightening the masses in a Revu interview.  I want to tell Lily and all her followers this:  you can’t approach the topic of heroin with your children in the same fashion you approach, say, broccoli.

Allen’s spokesperson was quick to confirm that Lily does not condone the use of any illegal substances.  Clearly.

It was just a couple of weeks ago that Lily Allen announced she was off booze for a while and sticking to cocaine.  In that interview for, uh, Interview, Allen said that her drinking wasn’t out of control; she just didn’t want to provide any ammunition to the press.  She must have rethought that angle.

Now, Lily admits that last summer she passed out in bed and after awaking to a party in her house, couldn’t figure out how she got home.  She had to Google herself to piece together the events of the evening she attended the Glamour awards last July.

Now, I’m not trained in the field of substance abuse counseling, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that self-Googling with the purpose of trying to figure out if you fucked someone, is a pretty solid sign of addiction.  Lily Allen better never fucking complain about the paparazzi.  If she keeps going at this pace, the paps pics may be able to help her figure out who the baby daddy is some day.  It’s like her own travelling Maury Povich Show.

Pictures above are of Lily on the ill-fated evening.  It’s difficult to believe that there weren’t any harsher drugs involved in a night that includes sky blue nails with matching pumps.