Well, not dishes, exactly, but certainly laments.

“My friend started reading the item to me, and I literally could not breathe,” she says. “I thought she was joking when she started telling me.”

“Honestly, they videotape my life five days out of the week. I don’t need additional footage, you know?” she says, when asked if she really did make the tape.

Lauren claims that someone planted the rumor specifically to hurt her, and people are starting to look at Heidi and Spencer as the front-runners. Lauren claims Heidi hasn’t even called her. “This has literally been, like, the worst week ever, and someone who’s supposedly my friend didn’t even call or text me.”

Heidi and Spencer both deny planting the rumor.

Is The Hills even filming right now? I think they’re on hiatus, which is just so sad, because it would be awesome to have all this caught on tape. Killer ratings. I hope MTV got a camera crew in there as soon as this news broke. I mean, there’s a big part of me that feels really horrible for Lauren in all this, because I think she’s probably a genuinely good kid who got thrown into a crappy situation, but then the other side of me — the one that started a gossip blog in the first place — gets all excited and can’t wait to watch this whole thing play out.

Lauren Conrad responded to rumors today that she made a sex tape with Jason Wahler which he is now planning to “leak.”

“There is no sex tape that exists,” says Lauren in a statement.

Awwwwwww. I hope she’s full of shit. I really really want there to be a Lauren Conrad sex tape.

Oh pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease tell me that girl was stupid enough to let Jason Wahler get her fucking on camera. Don’t get me wrong, I love LC, I think she’s adorable, and I’m usually rooting for her, but I have NO SYMPATHY for girls who let dudes do this. JUST DON’T DO IT, GIRLS. Especially if you’re Lauren Fucking Conrad. It is going to leak. Always, always. According to Perez, Lauren tried to break into Jason’s apartment to get the tape back, but she was unsuccessful. Jason finally agreed to give it back, but kept a copy for himself (duh). Now Jason wants to sell it before he goes to jail (for his physical altercation with a tow-truck driver). If no one will buy it, he may “leak” it online. Yay!!! I can’t wait!! That’s really what The Hills has been missing — a sex tape scandal.

After the season finale of The Hills, the ever-diligent folks over at Radar Online took it upon themselves to call up Heidi Montag’s mother in BFE, Colorado, and get her take on Heidi’s current situation. She swears that Heidi and Lauren are still the best of friends, Spencer is really a very good guy and Heidi is a very smart and responsible young woman who will soon release an album — to which she has written all the lyrics. OMG I can’t wait. If this album ever sees the light of day, I will honestly be the first in line. It will be hilarious.

And, look, I can tell you from experience that if anyone has a strong grasp on the life of a 21-year-old girl living in L.A., it’s her mother living in another state. Lord knows I told mine everything, with total candor. Except for anything that might upset her, worry her, interest her, or in any way motivate her to stop sending me money, or, God forbid, come out to visit. You can read the entire interview here, but I’ve picked out some highlights.

On Spencer: Heidi and Spencer are all about the show. Spencer has given quite a lot of himself to MTV, and they aren’t afraid to put themselves out there. But he’s not a bad guy at all—that’s all in the magic of editing. In fact, he adores Heidi and waits on her hand and foot, and she’d be with nothing less. Of course now it looks like, ew, why would you pick a slime bag over [Conrad], America’s sweetheart? But it’s not the reality. If things were the way they looked on TV, I would come to L.A. and take Spencer out myself.

On Heidi’s fame: No one is surprised. Even as a little girl in a small town she had this energy that has followed her. She took acting classes—not that The Hills is acting!—and would always want to be more grown up. We would let her carry glasses of wine around the house, but they would always be on her nightstand untouched the next day. She just liked the feeling of being older.

On Heidi’s future: As you know, she is recording an album and writing her own lyrics. And she has such a pretty little voice, I think it will be good. The third season is going to revolve more around that, I think. Spencer is helping with the record because he has connections, but if they broke up tomorrow, she would still be able to go on with the connections she has made out in L.A. Really, if you dropped Heidi off in the middle of nowhere she would still be happy.

I suppose it should be refreshing that the latest celebrity to launch a fashion line actually went to fashion school. Lauren Conrad, former star of Laguna Beach and the last bastion of likability on The Hills (I liked you for one day, Heidi. But then you got back with Spencer and I remembered you suck.), is launching her own fashion line — digitally, on Virtual Hills.

This is more an MTV story than a Lauren Conrad story. Poor MTV has been flailing in the online arena lately, as more of their target demographic turns away from the television and onto the Internet, ignoring MTV Overdrive and the like for social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. MTV fought back last month by laying off 250 employees and announcing plans to focus on online operations.

They’re trying to hype Virtual Hills and Virtual Laguna Beach here, and they’re using Lauren to help out. Says the PR release:

The introduction of Lauren’s physical and virtual world fashion lines takes the concept of personal expression to new heights for a generation of viewers who take their online persona as seriously as their real-world presence. Reflecting the casual yet smart aesthetic of her real-world attire, the virtual clothing line inspired by Lauren will make its debut in Virtual Hills tonight (http://www.virtualhills.mtv.com), March 6th at 8 p.m. ET / 5 p.m. PT, where fans will be able to buy clothes with in-world currency.

So, if you’re a teenage girl whose avatar would look cute in Lauren’s clothing, you should check this out. And, if you’re one of the 43-year-old male perverts composing 82% of the Virtual Hills community, with an avatar who would look cute in Lauren’s clothing, you should definitely check this out.

If you actually want to buy Lauren’s clothing line, so you can wear its pieces on your real-life body, no dice. They won’t be in stores until later this year, if ever, because, you know, that’s not really MTV’s priority right now. Hey, Lauren: you should have gone to Paris.

I get a bit sassy sometimes when reality shows refer to their participants as “cast members”. I am a struggling actress (the secret is out!) so I have issue with these reality whores ending up in movies and television. Because of “Laguna Beach” and its even faker spin-off “The Hills,” the reality star to actor ratio is going to get much higher. Why, you ask? Well, I have a sneaking feeling that these “cast members” are actually “cast.” Do you think it is a coincidence that LC is dating the Prince of Malibu?

On a reality casting note the Hollywood Reporter is saying that “Brian Drolet (MTV “The Hills”) is set to appear in “Burial at Sea,” an indie teen horror movie being directed by Joe Knee. Drolet will play a pro skateboarder who unknowingly hires the cursed captain of a possessed yacht for an expedition to shoot the ultimate skateboard video. Drolet is repped by Metropolitan and Cole Payne Management.”

Possessed yacht? This has straight to video written all over it. This guy seemed like such a tool on “The Hills.” At least he looks good with his shirt off.

An interesting link for those dudes out there who like big ole reality TV boobies. Robin from the current “Duel” challenge series takes it all off for the cameras. [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]

Angelina Jolie just hates it when photogs catch pictures of Shiloh without forking over the requisite $4M. [Just Jared]

Nicole Kidman’s husband, country singer Keith Urban, is the latest celeb to enter rehab for an alcoholism relapse. It’s going to be okay, Nicole. Remember, there’s still no twelve-step program for Scientology. [Allie is Wired]

The Hills‘ L.C. is officially dating Brody Jenner, the ex-boyfriend of her Laguna Beach nemesis, Kristin Cavallari. No comment yet from Cavallari, but we’re keeping a close eye on her t-shirts. [Hollyscoop]

Break out the weed and the slap bracelets. Fraggle Rock is coming to the big screen. [popbytes]

Breaking! Kevin Federline may not be the model father you’d previously believed him to be. Well, at least you were right about the model part. [PopCultureWhore]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Christie Brinkley is such a rock star. [Teddy and Moo]