“I think my acting is offensive!  I’m an awful actor, I’m not super comfortable with it. In fact I was just trying to do lines … and they’ll tell you, I cannot memorize lines.”

Lauren Conrad finally admits that she’s a talentless slob in front of the camera, at last night’s LC Lauren Conrad Kohl’s launch party.  She also confirmed that she will not be playing the starring role in the movie based on her book L.A. Candy.

Remember that book –L.A. Candy was the name, and it spent a moment, terrifyingly enough, at the top of the N.Y. Times Bestseller list — that The Hills’ Lauren Conrad “wrote”?  It looks like her story may be made into a movie.

Lauren admits to hoping for a movie deal and is said to be weighing her options.  She has options?  There is more than one homeless, IV drug user that’s interested in this project?  It’s at a level of making a pros and cons list to see which way to go with it?  If this doesn’t kill Beet, nothing will.

I’m trying to think of what actors would agree to star in a Lauren Conrad production?  I think it’s safe to say that this would be a Lifetime Television project, so that leaves Tori Spelling, Jodie Sweetin, and that chick from the show Life Goes On as contenders.

In the meantime, Conrad is “working” on a sequel.  ”It picks up where the first left off. I signed a three-book deal, so this is all part of the same story. The second book will be more dramatic than the first. It’s a relief, because I didn’t have to worry about character introductions.”  Lauren Conrad having firsthand knowledge of character development is about as likely as Josh Duggar getting arrested for solicitation.

Thankfully, we are not alone in thinking that Lauren isn’t cranking out these literary masterpieces by herself.  Former Laguna Beach co-star Kristin Cavallari recently said, “Lauren says she wrote it, but I don’t know.  Writing a book is not so easy.” 

Lauren’s response:  ”I wrote my book, and I don’t really feel the need to defend it. I’ve been writing forever. I have never written anything professionally before, so this was a big step for me. [Writing] was always my best subject in school, and it’s something I’ve always loved to do.”

The “novel” that Lauren Conrad “wrote,” L.A. Candy, is the #1 book on the NY Times Bestseller list for the second week since its June 16th release.

In equally wonderful news, Miley Cyrus’s book, Miles to Go, rings in at #7.

Fittingly, a novel called Scat took the #10 spot.

With all this success, keep your eyes open for Lauren’s sophomore novel, which will be a completely fictional story about a former reality TV star who decides to write a book. And also look out for my debut novel, which will be an equally fictional story about a blogger who cries herself to sleep every night because Lauren Conrad has a bestselling novel and she is still writing about Lauren Conrad’s goddamn bestselling novel.

Lauren Conrad was on The View yesterday to talk about L.A. Candy, the book she wrote.  Or as Beet likes to say, the book she “wrote.” 

Either way, in a manner that was so inappropriately solemn and grave, Lauren admitted (at about 0:47 on the clip) that The Hills is totally faked.  I just wanted to scream, “Lauren!  It’s not like you’re confessing that you figured out how to split the atom.  You didn’t unearth the mystery of the pyramids.  This is The Hills we’re talking about!”

Woah. Lauren Conrad’s life just got way too meta for me.

If you hadn’t heard by now, Lauren Conrad somehow got a book deal before me. Her debut novel is called L.A. Candy, and it’s “the behind-the scenes story of a young girl who moves to L.A. and unexpectedly becomes the star of a reality television show.” So, ya know, it’s the story of Lauren’s life on Laguna Beach and The Hills.

Now here’s where it gets really weird: Lauren wants to turn the book into a TV show.

“It’s one of my hopes,” said LC, who will hold court tonight at her book party at the Thompson Hotel in Beverly Hills. “We’re going to start working on [adapting it for TV] when I get back from my book tour.”

Ummmmm am I the only person who sees the insanity here? This is like watching a TV in a TV in a TV in a TV. You can’t make a TV show about a young girl who unexpectedly finds herself the star of a reality TV show — because that is the reality TV show. That is the entire premise of The Hills. You may as well have just stayed on The Hills, Lauren. OMG. Help! Brain exploding! I’m stuck in the infinite loop of Lauren Conrad’s career and I can’t get out!

“What they didn’t get is that I didn’t want to fight with her anymore. It’s hard to look at somebody who used to be your best friend and say, ‘We can’t be friends. Too much has happened.’ I’m trying to move on, but they won’t let me. And when someone keeps pushing you into the same position well … you get upset.”

That’s Lauren Conrad, in the July issue of Cosmopolitan, discussing how The Hills producers pressured her to make up with ex-BFF Heidi Montag. Lauren has since quit her gig on the show. “I’ve always had another season to look forward to, but now life is a little more unplanned,” she says. “It’s really exciting.”

She’s all settled in with her real-life boyfriend, Kyle Howard. “I feel sexiest with him when I’m in sweatpants and no make-up,” she says.

Ya know what? I want to give big, big props to Lauren. She’s really done what every celebrity talks about doing but never actually does: She walked away from it all. I mean, granted, she’s still on the cover of Cosmo, but she really, truly stood up and said “I don’t want the cameras following me any more. I’m over it. I’m leaving.” That’s a hard thing to do, to walk away from the spotlight, to ask to live a life just like anyone else’s, especially when your arch-enemies — people like Heidi & Spencer and Kristin Cavallari — are happy to step into the spot you left behind. What Lauren did took a lot of strength and courage. I just think she deserves to be commended on that.

To check out an excerpt from Lauren’s fascinating and brilliant first novel, l.a. candy, which she definitely wrote all by herself, click here.

Lauren Conrad may be done filming The Hills, but she’s not ready to leave TV entirely. She just filmed a guest spot for Family Guy — playing herself, per usual, except this time it turns out she’s a genius! Hey, at least she’s not pulling an Audrina and trying to get into acting or pulling a Heidi and releasing crappy singles — LC knows what she’s good at, and she’s stickin’ to that. There’s some credit due there.

Lauren says of her Guy gig, “The idea in the episode is that they make fun of me for being dumb and then discover that I’m actually a genius, and that [Lauren Conrad is] kind of a character I play [on TV], because America likes dumb people.”

And how did L.C. handle the challenges of playing a cartoon genius?

She says, “I hired an acting coach just for the day because a lot of the lines later on in the episode are very complicated. I’m talking a lot about history and theorems and conductors, and there’s a lot of facts and a lot of big words, and I had to say it as if it was coming to me very easily, so I had to learn the lines ahead of time rather than just reading them. I actually had to research some of them because the acting coach told me that if I really understood what I was talking about, it would come through a little more true.”

What do you think, America? Do you like dumb people?

Lauren’s episode will air May 3.

So LC was paid a shitload of cash to “write” a “novel,” and here’s your first look at the cover art for L.A. Candy.

Wanna hear about the “plot”?

Conrad’s publishing debut is a fictional story about a 19-year-old girl named Jane Roberts who has not-so-subtle similarities to the author.

“Roberts can’t wait to start living it up,” the official book synopsis says. “She may be in L.A. for an internship, but Jane plans to play as hard as she works and has enlisted her BFF Scarlett to join in the fun.”

In the novel, the two main characters are approached by a producer who wants them to be on a reality version of Sexy [sic?] and the City.

The book is about “what it’s like to come of age in Hollywood while starring in a reality TV show, written by a girl who has experienced it all firsthand,” the synopsis says.

Yeah I’m sure Lauren wrote every damn word of this herself.

Coming soon: My “novel” about a fictional character named Shnevil Tweet who writes a celebrity gossip “plog” and is very jealous of the star of a reality TV show called The Lumps because there are lots of very talented writers out there dying to get a publishing deal and this girl lands one just by getting drunk and accusing all her best friends of betraying her for six years straight.

Yesterday, I was watching the new Hills trailer with Film.com’s incomparable TV editor and my fellow reality TV junkie, Pamela Sitt. “I think this is the last season,” said Pamela, as we both stared, gaping, at the footage of Lauren and Heidi crying and hugging and Spencer getting into a bar fight. “It feels like they’re winding down.”

“I imagine they are,” I told her. “I can’t believe Lauren Conrad’s willing to do this shit much longer.”

And now we have confirmation — this will be the last season of The Hills. Lauren is calling it quits, she tells Seventeen magazine in a recent interview. “My biggest thing with the show was that I wanted to walk away from it while it’s still a great thing,” she explains. “I always want to remember it that way. I gave MTV a deadline and said, ‘This is as long as I can do it and stay sane.’”

Good for LC! She always did have a good head on her shoulders, that girl. But Lauren’s been on our television sets since she was 17 — is she really ready to walk away from all that? Or will she find a way to show up every week on Spencer and Heidi’s inevitable spinoff, The Assholes?

Twenty-two year old Lauren Conrad at The Hills Season 4 Finale event.  Is it my imagination or does she look like a forty-three year old PTA mom?

Harsh lighting is Satan’s work.

“At least she’s learning. It’s a great move. And if she ever wants to come back to us, saying, ‘Look, I made a mistake, let’s do a relaunch with a personal appearance,’ we would absolutely pick it up again.”

Kitson owner Fraser Ross, regarding Lauren Conrad’s upcoming college tour to promote her clothing line. Kitson dropped the brand from their trend-setting store after LC refused to do an in-store appearance or educate the staff about the brand.