The always-accommodating Carrie Prejean staged perhaps the worst attempt at an interview walk-off I’ve ever seen last night on CNN. Larry King keeps asking her why she settled with the Miss California organization — she settled, of course, because they had a video of her masturbating. But she doesn’t want to talk about that, and, although Larry never directly poses a question about it, she claims he’s being “inappropriate” and gently removes her microphone. Then she just whispers off-stage to someone for a good thirty seconds on live national television while Larry has a panic attack and begs her forgiveness. It’s such total weak sauce. I mean, if you’re gonna walk out of an interview, Carrie, do it with some panache. If you had any gay friends, I bet they would have taught you how to make a dramatic exit.

I know you have a book to promote, but maybe stick to the pre-taped interviews if you want to be a whiny bitch about freakin’ everything.

Kate Gosselin was on Larry King tonight looking gorgeous (not exactly well-rested, but calm and beautiful) and basically doing exactly what she’s been doing for months now — looking like the way better parent. However, she doesn’t straight-up come out and diss Jon — she says he’s a good father, but they differ on the actions he’s taking right now. Very nice, Miz Gosselin.

Also — say what you will about Larry King, the man’s a brilliant interviewer.

Shawn Southwick, wife of Larry King, went into rehab in June.  The official word was that she was addicted to painkillers that she took for migraines.  I’m thinking that a sandwich and a divorce could go a long way towards curing what ails her.  Because you know Larry King is a bastard to be married to.  His six previous unions (he married one chick twice) total twenty-two years.  And Southwick, single-handedly has put up with him for eleven.  She is so far past her expiration date.  I predict a “we part as close friends, please respect our privacy at this difficult time” statement by January 1st.  And yes, he looked like he was getting checked for polyps in every single picture he appeared in with his wife.

Anyway, I think Shawn needs some more rehab.  Last night, at Larry King’s 75th birthday celebration, Southwick looked like a walking corpse.  And that was always Larry’s role.  It’s a miracle Larry King even had a 75th birthday party.  This dude had quintuple bypass surgery twenty-one years ago.  I remember thinking then that he was on borrowed time.  He has managed to get engaged four times and married twice since.  Larry King is a machine.

As an aside, do you think Paulina Rubio could be Larry King’s love child?

Okay, he’s not really dead. I’m sorry for the confusion. But you have to admit he LOOKS dead.

This photo was taken at the Shrek 3 premiere because he is voicing a character called “Doris.”

I know you’re all looking forward to that.

Doesn’t Larry look like he might die any minute? Do you think CNN already has the obit video ready? I bet they do. Bastards.

Also, the interview was to announce that Oprah just opened a school in Senegal for any child named Harpo. Renaming your child is allowed, so it’s actually pretty inclusive.