I just finished watching two press conferences which I’m pretty sure had something to do with this whole Anna Nicole thing. As I understand it here’s where we stand:

Three jurisdictions are now involved. The request for Anna’s DNA was requested in California and has been denied (at least for now). Florida is where the autopsy is being held and they have taken control of Anna’s body until at least February 20th. The Bahamas are where little Dannielynn resides. So then, according to the California law they point to The Bahamas as the place the DNA injunction should have been filed.

Mr. Birkhead’s lawyer said she didn’t know if he was headed to the Bahamas as things are “up in the air.” Well, I can tell you if he IS headed there it’s probably going to be to get some sun because at this point he’s no more the father of that child than I am (and I’m not).

I was so excited for Tuesday. On January 23, Anna Nicole Smith was supposed to bring her new baby, Dannielynn (okay, if I can’t ever spell this name right on the first try, how does Anna Nicole even have a chance?), in for paternity testing, per a court order. Larry Birkhead, Smith’s former paramour, had asked for the test, contesting Anna’s claim that the girl’s father is Anna’s lawyer, super-stud Howard K. Stern. Birkhead claims the baby is his.

However, it turns out that Anna Nicole’s crack legal team has potency outside of the reproductive arena. They were able to convince an L.A. judge to stay the order, citing something about how the case was never tried in the Bahamas (pay no attention to anything about the legal aspects of this case I may mention — I have no idea what I’m talking about). So, alas, this is not the week we all get to hear Anna Nicole’s explanation of how exactly she could be so completely wrong about who fathered her child.

But never fear! We will not be completely without Anna’s unique brand of articulate. TMZ obtained a private AOL Instant Messenger convo between Anna and Larry Birkhead. This is possible because TMZ employs some of the most talented Internet hackers on the planet — namely, Larry Birkhead (handle: N0 tr0jAn). Here’s the text of the convo, which led me to actually pray that this child’s father is Howard K. Stern, because at least he had a strong enough grasp on verb conjugation to get through law school.

Anna Nicole: quit trash me at the casino
Larry: not at a casino
Anna Nicole: go fuck my mom to
Anna Nicole: Yall are sick
Larry: show up for the test with the baby\
Anna Nicole: don’t think so
Anna Nicole: u wish
Larry: everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole: in your dreams

Here at The Beet, we just wishes for there be resolushun in this matter before Danilyn be’s old enuf to understand what go on around her.

Now you can cross “See Steven Tyler’s bare ass” off your list of things to do before you die. I know, I know. When you put it on there twenty years ago it seemed a much more appealing proposal. Beggars can’t be choosers. But thankfully his daughter girlfriend is there to add a touch of youth to the image. [MollyGood]

How is it surprising to anyone, let alone someone who has actually had sex with her, that Anna Nicole continues to sell pictures of her baby to the tabloids? Come on, Larry Birkhead. You know you’re loving this. [Cele|bitchy]

Britney and her new parasite drop $40K a night on the Hugh Hefner suite at The Palms. I’m not sure why she needs that rotating bed. You know the whole room is spinning for her by bedtime anyway.* [Pop on the Pop]

Who is Keeley Hazell? Who cares? Her sex tape leaked. [Bossip]

Damn. I was in the Lindsay-Lohan’s-boobs-are-real camp for a long, long time, but now I’m starting to have second thoughts. [Yeeeah!]

Oh happy day! It turns out Gwen Stefani looks human before you airbrush the hell out of her. [Teddy and Moo]

Snore. Heather Mills wins something in her never-ending battle with Sir Paul McCartney. Wake me when I’m British. [Monica Monroe]

*A special congrats to Isaac Cohen, who, having been Britney’s boy-toy for over a week now, has earned his previously irrelevant ass its very own label here on the Beet.