Oh, sweet Jaysus.  Just when I think that there isn’t another possible angle for reality television, the fates prove me wrong by allowing another ridiculous premise to hit the airwaves.  Are you ready for this?

It seems that Larry Birkhead — Anna Nicole’s unlikely baby daddy — might be appearing on Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker.  You know that show — the one with the chick that looks like a dude whose trying to look like Cher is the matchmaker who charges clients thousands even though she told Oprah that she’s got her own relationship issues.  I’m a closet watcher.  Let me clarify, lest you think I’ve gone completely mad during my brief hiatus:  I’m a closet watcher of Millionaire Matchmaker, not of Oprah.  The rich dudes always want blonds who don’t object to having a greased stripper pole in the living room and any Joe Francis-produced DVD in the player.

This has been enlightening though.  I’m glad to hear that the show is becoming more open-minded, progressive and doing same sex match-ups now.  It’s refreshing!  I remain hopeful that Larry will find just what he’s — oh, wait … what?  He’s going to be fixed up with a woman?  Get the fuck out of here.

It seemed like Family Weekend here in LA with celebrities ditching the nannies for a couple of days and actually like, hanging out with their kids. Even over in Cambridge, MA, Tom and Suri were playing in a lake together (which looks so photo-oppy, sadly.) The pumpkin patch seemed like the place to be with appearances by Heidi Klum and Hendy, Larry Birkhead and mini Anna Nicole and Christina Aguilera and Max. Also notable is Nicole Richie and a scrumptious looking Harlow (I wanted to eat the buns off her head) and Brian Austin Green taking his son Kassius bowling. As if having Brian Austin Green for a dad wasn’t hard enough, the poor kid has to be named something more suitable for a gay porn star, too.

So, yeah, it’s September 11. And I went back and forth about whether to say something about it on here or let it go or what. And I wasn’t going to touch on it, but then I came across this shot of Dannielynn Birkhead on the cover of Us magazine — she just turned two — and it reminded me of what I wrote on September 11 of the first year I had this blog. I’ll reprint it:

I hate September 11. I didn’t sleep well last night, tossing and turning and waking every hour to allow angry thoughts to run circles in my head, a dizzying and infuriating cycle I’ve been caught in every year since. Gawker’s been light-hearted about it all day, and it’s nice to see that and it’s gut-wrenching to see that. I don’t have it in me just yet.

So, frankly, it sucked hardcore to wake up this morning to the news that Anna Nicole Smith’s 20-year-old son Daniel died yesterday in the Bahamas, not 3 days after she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. It felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, a visceral reaction, which isn’t at all commonplace for me in this world of celebrity comings and goings. Maybe it’s because this whole day always feels like one solid suckerpunch. But I always had a fondness for that kid — I remember watching him as a teenager on The Anna Nicole Show, and he came across as strikingly grounded amidst the insanity of his life, aware of the absurdity of it all and able to observe from a distance. To be in it but not of it. I was, just vaguely, interested to see who he’d grow up to be. I’m genuinely sorry that I won’t have that chance, and I’m sorry that Anna won’t, either.

This was all right before Anna Nicole herself died, and the crazy paternity battle and the custody suit and the fucking maelstrom of near-tangible insanity that enveloped this girl during the first months of her life. These events are melded in my mind now: September 11 and the death of Daniel, and the aftermaths of both.

And it’s nice to see, today, that this little girl looks beautiful, and happy, and is being raised by a father who loves her and who really doesn’t whore her out to the media anywhere near as much as he could. I don’t resent him for this. This cover here? This cover will put this girl through college. I think Larry has a decent head on his shoulders, and I’m glad that life seems to be coming together for Dannielynn. I’m glad that Anna Nicole’s life wasn’t an entire tragic washout — that this girl has survived, and landed in a loving home, and is perhaps even thriving.

For me, September 11 hurts less this year than it did two years ago, when I wrote that post. It’ll probably hurt even less next year. Life has a way of putting itself back together, of defying the chaos. I’m looking forward to watching Dannielynn grow up.

Larry Birkhead and Dannielynn arrive at LAX after spending the holidays with Larry’s family in Louisville.

According to the photo agency:

They arrived in LA with some of Larry’s family and no less than 15 to 20 suitcases. Larry looked extremely tired but was patient and cordial with the photographers. Dannielynn began to cry when placed in her car seat but daddy Larry moved quickly to comfort her.

Aw, can you guys believe that Dannielynn is already 15 months old???

What a cutie pie!!

We have something of an unofficial Larry Birkhead ban around this place, but when there’s video of him running around Kitson with Dannielynn, I really have no choice.

So I haven’t really been following this story on here, because the story’s retarded, but basically there’s some new book coming out alleging that Howard K. Stern was all gay with Larry Birkhead, and they videotaped themselves doing the nasty and Anna Nicole liked to watch it. HKS is, of course, denying it, because it is, as I mentioned, retarded.

“It’s ridiculous. I mean it’s absolutely absurd,” Stern said to ETOnline. “Dannielynn is gonna read this garbage and it’s almost like she’s gonna have to get counseling from the age of 3.”

Um, look. I’m as hopeful as the next guy about Dannielynn’s future, but, buddy, if you think this girl’s gonna be able to read at the age of 3, I have a bridge I wanna sell you.

In general I’m trying to stay away from the Larry Birkhead-ness in the news, because I don’t know that any of this shit deserves publicity. But Larry showed up on Entertainment Tonight with some really cute pics of little Dannielynn, so I’ll write about it. Just this once.

“Every day she does something new, and now she’s sharing her bottle with me,” says Larry. “So if I say, ‘Give daddy a drink,’ she’ll toss it over her shoulder. It’s cool being a dad.”

Sharing her bottle? So she doesn’t take after her mother, I guess.

Little Dannielynn turns one in September, so what’s Larry planning for the celebration?

“I’m thinking big,” he says. “Her mom called her princess, so [I'm thinking of doing] something kind of Disney princess, or Hello Kitty — something real cool, so she can look back on it and say, ‘What a cool party.’”

I hope that when you say “look back on it,” Larry, what you mean is “look at the pictures on WireImage and the video from Entertainment Tonight,” because I don’t know if anyone mentioned this to you, but you don’t really form lasting memories at age one. Which is probably in Dannielynn’s best interest.

Or do the hats fight? I get so confused sometimes.

Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead arrived in the United States this morning, with her father, Larry Birkhead, who recently had the baby’s last name legally changed. (Interestingly, he didn’t remove the “Marshall” part of the name — a reference to Anna Nicole’s late billionaire husband, J. Howard Marshall — perhaps to give the little girl a leg up in obtaining some of the Marshall fortune).

After a brief stop in Florida this morning, Dannielynn and Larry continued to Louisville, Larry’s hometown. Larry was reportedly teary-eyed as they said goodbye to the Bahamas, Anna’s final resting place. Dannielynn — can we come up with a nickname for this kid soon? That name is really a hassle to type — was in great spirits and warranted smiles from the customs agents.

Larry Birkhead had his daughter’s name legally changed. You know, it was cool of him to keep everything else the same. To me, it shows that he did (and does) love and respect Anna. New birth certificate viewable here.

Gay Larry update via TMZ
UPDATE: In reference to the National Enquirer stories, Larry tells OK! “Both stories are totally untrue. I understand that’s part of the celebrity game that people will say anything for money. He was a friend of a friend of mine and has a picture of us standing next to each at a party. That’s it. We haven’t spoke since but now that he can some money for the photo he’s making up a story to sell it. As far as having a baby, I’ve never seen any documents saying that I fathered a child before Dannielynn.”

After spending almost two hours in a Bahamian courtroom sans cameras, Larry Birkhead emerged victorious on Tuesday afternoon, as a doctor told the judge that the DNA tests revealed that he was the father of Anna Nicole’s baby, Dannielynn, with “99.9999% certainty.”

When asked about the paternity results, Howard K. Stern, who is currently listed on the birth certificate as Dannielynn’s father, stayed true to his word. “I am obviously very disappointed … I am not going to fight Larry Birkhead for custody. I will do everything I can to make sure he gets sole custody.” Stern and Birkhead hugged after leaving the courtroom, and Stern invited Birkhead to his house, where Dannielynn currently resides, to spend as much time with the baby as he wants.

The only reason Birkhead would not get custody at this point is Anna’s mother, Virgie Arthur, who had no role in this child’s life before Anna’s death, because Anna hated her. I don’t know much about family law, but I have no idea how this kid could possibly go to Arthur when there’s a healthy adult parent who wants her. Arthur’s custody case is expected to be heard on Friday in the same Bahamian court.

We’ll of course keep you posted as the story develops…