Regardless of whether or not Lance Armstrong actually wanted more children, he seemed happy as can be as he was photographed leaving an Aspen hospital this weekend with his son, Max. Lance was flanked by his girlfriend and baby-mama, Anna Hansen, and his three children from a previous marriage.

Lance immediately created a Twitter page for Max, making him the youngest person ever to have a Twitter account. Priorities, people!

Oh, Lance Armstrong.  If he wasn’t busy with his knocked-up girlfriend, I’d so be trying to fix him up with Jennifer Aniston.  Why?  Because his biography, the imaginatively titled “Lance”, is coming out this summer and he talks about his break up with Sheryl Crow.  I know, I know-haven’t we all just been haunted, wondering “why?” ever since their split three years ago?  Anyway, I was thinking Lance and Jen would be the perfect couple.  They could get together and lament about Brad and Sheryl and we could all try to determine which of the four of them is the most tan.

As I’m pretty sure I said last December, Lance and Sheryl broke up in 2006 because they were in different places in their lives.  “Different places” is always code for “I don’t want kids,” or “I’m gay.”  She moved on and adopted a baby boy and he got his girlfriend pregnant because he thought his spermies were all dead soldiers.

In conclusion, this is what happens to you when there is a slow news day.  I talk about long-ended relationships that no one ever cared about even when they existed.  I will now go troll the wire looking for news on celebrity deaths, divorces and melees so we never have to suffer through another story like this again.  Wish me luck!

Poor Lance Armstrong has broken his collarbone in Spain on Monday, after crashing during the first stage of a five-day race. This was supposed to be Lance’s big return to cycling after coming out of retirement.

Armstrong, who was caught in a pile-up about 12.5 miles form the stage’s finish in La Vuelta de Castilla y Leon, appeared to be in considerable pain as he was helped into an ambulance headed to the Rio Carrion hospital in Palencia, the Associated Press reports.

Doctors are determining whether Armstrong will need surgery, according to race spokesman Jacinto Vidarte. The injury could prevent the champ from racing competitively for four weeks.

Personally, I blame Kate Hudson. Everything her vagina touches turns to injured. We could use her in the war, actually. We could just take dust from her vagina and sprinkle it over Al Qaeda training camps and the whole place will break their leg or slit their wrist within weeks. We’ll call it Agent Bloated-Face. No one will ever guess.

Anyway, yeah, wishing a speedy recovery for Lance, of course, but maybe it’s time to rethink the comeback plan, dude.

Lance Armstrong is going to be a dad again.  He and Anna Hansen, his girlfriend of five months are reportedly expecting.

Lance had his swimmers frozen after his 1996 diagnosis of testicular cancer.  His three children, Luke, Isabelle and Grace were conceived through in-vitro fertilization.    But this kiddo has come about the old-fashioned way.  Usually, testicular cancer treatment kills sperm.  They aren’t supposed to survive like some sort of nuclear fallout cockroaches.

When Lance and Sheryl Crow broke up a couple of years ago, it was because they were in different places in their lives.  After the split, she went on to adopt a baby boy which is awesome.   But now Lance is going to have a child with this new girlfriend.  It reminds me of my first true love.  We were together for over five years and I wanted to marry him.  And he just wasn’t ready.  I respect honesty and I’m pretty egotistical so I couldn’t be with a guy who didn’t really, really want to marry me.  So I left.  I Googled him not too many years later to find out he was, of course, married.  So it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be married; he just didn’t want to be married to me.  Which sucked.   In Sheryl’s case, hopefully she sees that this wasn’t about a conscious choice to have kids as much as it was about some damn, fucking resilient, stealth super-sperm.

Congrats to the couple.  Sometimes the best things come from the unexpected.

Hey you guys remember how yesterday I was all like, “Dude I cannot tell you how freaking often the photo services incorrectly label their photos?” and you guys were probably like “You’re so full of shit, Beet”?

Yeah.

“If you are riding your bike five, six, seven hours a day, you are not a sex champion. You have fatigue, low testosterone and a lower libido, but you know, I never got any complaints.”

Lance Armstrong, in a new interview with Men’s Journal.

The Chicago Sun-Times — which broke the news of Kate and Lance’s split — is now reporting that Lance dumped Kate because she was too clingy and needy.

Seems the Tour de France champ and cancer survival poster boy was feeling a bit ‘’smothered” by the actress. According to an Armstrong associate at his Livestrong charity foundation, the sports hero felt Hudson was ”just too needy,” and was coming on ”too strong, too fast … sensing Kate was way too desperate, a woman who clearly can’t be on her own without a man in her life at all times.”

One thing Armstrong reportedly liked about ex-girlfriend Sheryl Crow — and one reason that relationship lasted as long as it did — was that ”Sheryl’s one very independent woman. … Lance liked that,” said the source.

And what did Kate do after the split?

She ran back to her ex-boyfriend!

Take a year and figure out who the hell YOU are, Kate!

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Kate goes through men like Owen Wilson goes through liquor. Did that cross a line? Eh.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are reportedly splitsville after a three-month whirlwind romance.

“There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things,” said a source. “There is no hatred, just sadness.”

I wonder what went wrong? They both seemed so gung-ho about this.

This new set of photos of Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong makes me very happy. Mostly because Kate seems to be acting and looking like a regular person. She’s not wearing a ton of makeup, her hair isn’t really styled, and she’s not in camera-ready mode. And she’s still a very pretty girl, but she looks human. She looks like a normal, pretty girl and not like a starlet. She looks — dare I say it? — imperfect. And it makes me feel better about myself, because maybe if I had a full-time hair and makeup team before I went to events I could look like a starlet too. Not saying I’m as pretty as Kate — I am fully aware that I am not — but something about these photos just makes me feel more okay about being a mere mortal. Celebrities: they’re mortals, too!

Oh, and to make matters even better? Alfonso Ribeiro was there! I’m always so happy when Carlton is anywhere with photographers. I love Carlton.

At the American Century Championship Golf Tournament in Lake Tahoe.

Look who’s headed off to lunch with Goldie Hawn!

It’s Kate Hudson and beau Lance Armstrong. They met up with Goldie for lunch at Ivy at the Shore this afternoon.

OMG these two are gonna get engaged in like two weeks.

[Image via Splash]

PDA alert!

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong suck face on an LA tennis court.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong hold hands on a date in NYC.

These two have been inseparable for weeks now.

I wonder how Owen feels about all this. It happened so suddenly. We haven’t seen much of him recently. I feel really bad for him. I mean, I know Kate and Lance haven’t done anything wrong, but still. I’m angry with them for some reason. I’m so protective of Owen these days.

[Image via Splash]