Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey looked very much the happy couple at the grand opening of the Malibu Lumber Yard in (of course) Malibu.

Also there: The rarely seen Lacey Chabert (Claudia Salinger!!!), Mena Suvari (who’s ditched the shaved-head look in favor of some long extensions), Rick & Kathy Hilton, Garcelle Beauvais, Holly Robinson Peete, Kelly Carlson and Vanessa Minnillo (sans Nick!).

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.

Lacey Chabert is this month’s Maxim hottie. Now Lacey is a good girl and I’m glad they didn’t make her talk about anything too dirty. I really know from a very good source that she is a nice Southern Belle so I wouldn’t have wanted to hear any of that weird Maxim banter coming from her.
She posed this month to promote her new movie, “Black Christmas,” which is described as a “sorority slay flick.” I really hope that her career takes off because, in my personal opinion, she was the best part of “Mean Girls.” Take it away Lacey, I’d rather see you on screen than Lindsay Lohan any day.

Here is my favorite quote from the article when asked about her favorite pick up line Lacey says,

“At least be creative. None of this, That shirt will really look good on my floor,’ or, ‘All those curves and no brakes?’ Somebody said that to me in Target. I was like, ‘First of all, we’re in Target. Second of all, that’s so cheesy!’ I couldn’t help but laugh, though.”

How adorable is she! (and for you boys, yes…she is quite hot)