• Paris Hilton finally gets that elusive DUI. Sorry to those of you who had your money on Lohan. Her spokesperson, Perez Hilton — er, um, Elliot Mintz — says the arrest was “probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued.” During her arrest, Hilton failed to make comments disparaging any particular race or religion, and was released within hours. TMZ has art.
• According to the AP, AmIdol’s Clay Aiken is being considered to be named to the President’s Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities, the White House said Wednesday. As if this statement alone isn’t funny enough on so many levels, check out the photo the AP chose to run with the story.

  

• Kristin Cavalleri is whoring around with DJ AM, Nicole Richie’s ex. So you, like, totally don’t care about that whole Brody Jenner thing, right K?
• Lionel Richie lies and says a doctor told him Nicole’s not anorexic. The “doctor” said Nicole’s weight loss was “stress-related” and “due to his divorce from her mother and from all the media attention his daughter gets.” So, you know, anorexia.
• Michelle Tanner really needs to ash that cigarette.

  

Let’s start from the beginning: hottie Jesse McCartney is dating Katie Cassidy. Who is Katie Cassidy? For starters, she’s David Cassidy’s daughter, although I remember watching an MTV special about her fledgling singing career several years ago, and she had basically no relationship with her father other than him calling bi-monthly to urge her not to pursue a singing career. When the singing career eventually failed to pursue her, she must have gone into acting, as I hear she beat out the likes of Kristin Cavalleri and Jessica Simpson for the role of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming film adaptation of Dallas alongside John Travolta.

Jennifer Lopez was originally cast as Sue Ellen in the film, but she dropped out suddenly several weeks ago. The rumors I heard explaining this were mostly a variation on “[ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] didn’t want to work with [ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] because [ she / he ] is too [ divaesque / washed up and pathetic ]” with the occasional “Dude the script just sucked” tossed in for good measure.

Enter Jesse McCartney. In an otherwise mundane interview with Atlanta’s Star 94, McCartney was asked if girlfriend Cassidy could give them the scoop on why Jennifer Lopez was fired from the project.

“She didn’t get fired,” McCartney responded. “She’s pregnant.”

Oops.