When Kiefer Sutherland isn’t busy adding to his rap sheet and punching out clothing designers all in the name of Brooke Shields’ honor, do you know what he does with his time?  Really?  You really don’t know?  It should be clear — he’s drinking!  Let’s face facts:  Kiefer has a problem.  Addiction sucks and I hope he gets on the right track before he kills himself or an innocent. 

I love TMZ if only for the fact that they find the most low-down dirt on people, and this piece is no different.  Last week Kief and some fellow 24 crew and cast mates decided to hit a local bar after finishing a location shoot.  And this is one of the many reasons that I envy Californians — their bars are open at 7 a.m. which is about the time that Kief and his posse arrived.  They drank lots of scotch (no food involved) until about one in the afternoon which resulted in a $500 tab.  That’s like, a hundred bucks an hour (or, you know, Lindsay Lohan’s asking price) in booze!

There are a couple of positive elements to this story.  One — Sutherland tipped $200 of which I’m sure the bartender earned every penny and two — the actor utilized a driver.  Yay for that!

Brad Pitt carries a sumo wrestler while a Department of Eagles tune plays in the background of this new commercial for Japanese cellphone company Softbank. Spike Jonze, who directed the commercial, had said that he wanted to make the actor seem “prissy.” I think he succeeded.

American celebrities will often endorse Japanese products or film commercials that air only in Japan. The companies are either paying them a hefty sum, or they don’t mind pimping themselves out if its for a commercial that will (hopefully) never see the light of day in the U.S.

When I was there, Tommy Lee Jones’ haggard, disapproving face was plastered all over billboards advertising BOSS coffee. Brad Pitt has also done his share of coffee endorsement, although he prefers Roots brand coffee. If you’re interested, you can watch Kiefer Sutherland scream at a train full of Japanese school girls or see California’s current incumbent governor attempt to speak Japanese then fly through outer space in a red and gold tuxedo.

You should definitely watch that last one. Really.

Kiefer Sutherland showed up yesterday at a New York City police station where he was charged with a misdemeanor offense of assault with a deadly noggin.  Or, you know, just assault.  He’ll have to show up in court June 22nd to answer the charge.

You’ll remember that Kiefer (allegedly!) head-butted designer Jack McCollough the other night.  The good news is that the dude doesn’t have a broken nose as was originally reported.

If Sutherland is found guilty, he could a year in the slammer since this crime was (allegedly!) committed while he was on parole from a 2008 DUI.

I was thinking that the female version of Kiefer Sutherland is Lindsay Lohan.  Fair skin, light eyes, reddish hair, rap sheets, a love of all things cut on a mirror.  Can you imagine if these two drug clones hooked up?  I can see it now-we could call them Reefer Blohan.

As it turns out, Ronnie Spector’s stretch marks weren’t the only completely offensive disaster at the Costume Institute Gala on Monday evening.

There are conflicting reports on what prompted the scuffle but the one detail that everyone seems to agree upon is that Kiefer Sutherland’s head smashed into the cranium of designer Jack McCollough.

According to a police report, Kiefer who is currently on parole from his last DUI, head-butted and broke the nose of clothing designer Jack McCollough who is one half of Proenza Schouler.

Some people are saying that McCollough knocked Brooke Shields to the ground and Sutherland came to her defense.  Her rep has already released a “We don’t know nothin’ ” statement.  Some claim, and this sounds the most likely to me, that the designer accidentally bumped into Kiefer and he responded with a head-butt.  No matter the motivation for the fracas, most accounts portray Kiefer as being drunk.

And really, no matter what happened, Kiefer Sutherland is just the dumbest man alive.  Was jail just so enjoyable that he can’t wait to get back?

“My drinking was not a daily thing, so it wasn’t an issue. And, oddly enough, neither was the smoking. I was very glad to know that I could quit. And one day soon I will.”

Kiefer Sutherland, discussing with Men’s Vogue his stay in jail, where he wasn’t allowed to drink or smoke. Kiefer, a notorious partier, was in jail for his second DUI. I am so sure he’ll be quitting any minute now!

Kiefer also weighed in on his cellmate: “I was told, you know, ‘You’ll have your own cell.’ But I didn’t for the first two or three weeks; I had a cell mate. He got out – but not for long. He came back in pretty quick.”