It’s official: on September 12 of this year, Britney Spears birthed a 72-year-old British man.

Although we have not yet seen photos of the crotchety old wanker, his age and obvious pedigree can be inferred from the name the Federlines are rumored to have selected: Sutton Pierce.

S. Pierce (read: “Spears”) will share his initials and future therapy sessions with his brother, Sean Preston, born September 14 of last year. Britney gave birth to little Sutty via Cesarian section at Cedars-Sinai in LA on Tuesday.

Because you all are clearly incapable of forming your own opinions and thus are unfailingly interested in mine.

Sarah Silverman may well be the funniest person on planet Earth. As soon as one of you finds a clip of one of her VMA bits on YouTube, send me the link please.

If we could never, ever have Amy Lee and Jared Leto standing next to one another again, I’d be fine with that. Really. In high school I could handle looking at three, maybe even four goth kids at the same time. In my twenties, two is really more than I can stomach.

I may like some of her music, but every time I hear her speak, I like P!nk less.

It’s funny cuz Lil’ Kim is fat now. And crazy, crazy, crazy.

You know what is not classy, All American Rejects? Stumbling up to accept your award with a glass of scotch in your hands. Passing it around stage as you slur. Amusing, yes. Classy, nuh-uh.

Jessica Simpson is packing on the pounds. Where is Ken Paves when she needs him? Is her favoritism toward him angering her other stylists? I swear they are putting her in these short dresses and then running off somewhere to watch and giggle.

Ringtone of the Year award? Like, your song is so simplistic that it carries particularly well via mobile phone? You get an award for that now?

It’s cool that Panic! At the Disco (good band name. oh wait.) got the whole audience to scream “whore!” It’s a shame that Paris Hilton wasn’t on stage at the time. The rest of the performance was great visually, but the lead singer was so nervous I don’t think he hit a single note right. Too bad cuz it’s a great song.

It’s nice to see Petra Nemcova so happy with James Blunt now. You know, after the whole almost-dying-in-that-one-tsunami-that-claimed-the-life-of-her-boyfriend-and-hundreds-of-thousands-of-others thing.

I’m pretty sure Britney and KFed got booed. And rightly so. That was the dumbest bit tonight. And that’s saying something.

I LOVE YOU XTINA!

Oh, that “marry me marry me” song is by Jared Leto’s band. Hm. I like that song. How odd. If he becomes some big famous rock star now, I just don’t know how I’ll reconcile that. I mean, My So-Called Life was cancelled. Everyone else in that cast got the memo.

For reals, Sarah Silverman, I would very much like to go out with you. Jimmy Kimmel’s star is falling, sweetie. Mine is just beginning to rise. Get on board with a winner. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

When you, as a blogger, start quoting Meredith Grey because you can’t think of anything funnier, it’s time to go to bed.

Link via SorryIGotDrunk.

• Bridget Grish doesn’t care if you look at her tits. Her mySpace page? That’s different.
• George Clooney is rumored to be dating Ellen Barkin. If you don’t know who Ellen Barkin is, you’re in good company. She’s in Oceans 13 right now, and she’s credited in films going back to 1978 (which is approximately when I’d guess her IMDB photo was taken), but she’s essentially a no-name, and an aging one at that (birth date on IMDB: April 16, 1954). Could it be that George Clooney wants to build a true, lasting relationship with an emotional peer? Hmm. Nah. It’s a really clever PR stunt, though. Way more subtle than inventing a baby.
• James Lipton from Inside the Actors Studio recites lyrics to “K-Fed Freestyle” on Conan O’Brian. Then he takes a beer bong. Poorly. Like pre-frosh from Minnesota poorly. Thanks to Tiffany at PopCultureWhore for the link.

Apparently it’s clips day on The Beet.

Up now, Kevin Federline delivers a particularly uninspiring rendition of his “song” on the Teen Choice Awards. The good news here is that it turns out his wife can introduce a mediocre performer and chew gum at the same time. She just keeps getting smarter.

I know it’s hard to believe that anything at all got edited out of the Chaotic footage for fear of reflecting poorly on Britney, but if there’s any such gem, I’d assert that this is it.

Please, please, please watch until the very end. If you stop early you’ll miss the conversation on time travel.

Via Bricks and Stones.