When Britney Spears gave birth to her latest Federspawn on September 12, we reported that the lucky new Band-Aid for Britney’s gaping emotional wounds was a boy named Sutton Pierce Federline. This week, sources are reporting that the baby is neither a boy nor another SPF, but rather a little girl named Jayden James.

A pal of KFed’s mom says that “Grandma Federline calls the child Jayden.” Now, in fairness, this woman represents one-half of Kevin Federline’s genetics, so I haven’t entirely ruled out the possibility that she forgets her grandchild’s name with some regularity. But she’s not the only one confused.

The photogs at X17 say that, a week after the child’s birth, they spotted Britney’s bodyguard shopping at a kids’ clothing store in Malibu, and buying only pink baby items. Was Brit’s security planning a practical joke for Kevin? Probably not — he wasn’t laughing. X17 explains that they don’t have footage of the event because “Britney’s bodyguard came at our guys, threatening to call the Malibu Police…if they didn’t give him the video tape immediately.”

Jayden is a name of English origin meaning “God has heard,” which seems more like an ominous warning to Kevin regarding his forthcoming album than a proper name for a Spears-Federline bloodline merging, but our best wishes stay with the Federlines and their newborn.

Angelina Jolie just hates it when photogs catch pictures of Shiloh without forking over the requisite $4M. [Just Jared]

Nicole Kidman’s husband, country singer Keith Urban, is the latest celeb to enter rehab for an alcoholism relapse. It’s going to be okay, Nicole. Remember, there’s still no twelve-step program for Scientology. [Allie is Wired]

The Hills‘ L.C. is officially dating Brody Jenner, the ex-boyfriend of her Laguna Beach nemesis, Kristin Cavallari. No comment yet from Cavallari, but we’re keeping a close eye on her t-shirts. [Hollyscoop]

Break out the weed and the slap bracelets. Fraggle Rock is coming to the big screen. [popbytes]

Breaking! Kevin Federline may not be the model father you’d previously believed him to be. Well, at least you were right about the model part. [PopCultureWhore]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Christie Brinkley is such a rock star. [Teddy and Moo]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWs1FF-BS7c]

I’m sorry but I love Weird Al. In middle school I bought his album, “Bad Hair Day” and listened to Amish Paradise over and over again. Though I really thought that was the zenith of his career, this tops it.

• Hey boys! Just when you thought masturbating to thoughts of Miss Cleo couldn’t get any better — turns out she’s a lezzie!
• Aaron Carter breaks off his week-long engagement to Kari Ann Peniche, because he’s now met the requisite media usage quota of “House of Carters” as detailed in his contract with E!, and because, you know, she used to fuck his brother.
• KFed’s not even going to include “PoPoZao” on his debut album, Playing with Fire; it’s being replaced by a duet between him and his wife, Britney Spears. So, by its late October release date, we should all be ready to welcome Britney Spears’ Playing with Fire, featuring Kevin Federline.
• Are Paris & Nicole combining their evil powers once again?
• How many people does it take to wax Scarlett Johansson’s vag? A whole “waxing crew,” apparently. [via Junkiness]
• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bangs fellow puppet Ernie of Sesame Street. The folks at Childrens’ Workshop are all like “even our audience knows that stupid dog is played out.”
• Jackass Number Two makes number one at the box office. This, folks, is why the terrorists hate us.

It’s official: on September 12 of this year, Britney Spears birthed a 72-year-old British man.

Although we have not yet seen photos of the crotchety old wanker, his age and obvious pedigree can be inferred from the name the Federlines are rumored to have selected: Sutton Pierce.

S. Pierce (read: “Spears”) will share his initials and future therapy sessions with his brother, Sean Preston, born September 14 of last year. Britney gave birth to little Sutty via Cesarian section at Cedars-Sinai in LA on Tuesday.

Because you all are clearly incapable of forming your own opinions and thus are unfailingly interested in mine.

Sarah Silverman may well be the funniest person on planet Earth. As soon as one of you finds a clip of one of her VMA bits on YouTube, send me the link please.

If we could never, ever have Amy Lee and Jared Leto standing next to one another again, I’d be fine with that. Really. In high school I could handle looking at three, maybe even four goth kids at the same time. In my twenties, two is really more than I can stomach.

I may like some of her music, but every time I hear her speak, I like P!nk less.

It’s funny cuz Lil’ Kim is fat now. And crazy, crazy, crazy.

You know what is not classy, All American Rejects? Stumbling up to accept your award with a glass of scotch in your hands. Passing it around stage as you slur. Amusing, yes. Classy, nuh-uh.

Jessica Simpson is packing on the pounds. Where is Ken Paves when she needs him? Is her favoritism toward him angering her other stylists? I swear they are putting her in these short dresses and then running off somewhere to watch and giggle.

Ringtone of the Year award? Like, your song is so simplistic that it carries particularly well via mobile phone? You get an award for that now?

It’s cool that Panic! At the Disco (good band name. oh wait.) got the whole audience to scream “whore!” It’s a shame that Paris Hilton wasn’t on stage at the time. The rest of the performance was great visually, but the lead singer was so nervous I don’t think he hit a single note right. Too bad cuz it’s a great song.

It’s nice to see Petra Nemcova so happy with James Blunt now. You know, after the whole almost-dying-in-that-one-tsunami-that-claimed-the-life-of-her-boyfriend-and-hundreds-of-thousands-of-others thing.

I’m pretty sure Britney and KFed got booed. And rightly so. That was the dumbest bit tonight. And that’s saying something.

I LOVE YOU XTINA!

Oh, that “marry me marry me” song is by Jared Leto’s band. Hm. I like that song. How odd. If he becomes some big famous rock star now, I just don’t know how I’ll reconcile that. I mean, My So-Called Life was cancelled. Everyone else in that cast got the memo.

For reals, Sarah Silverman, I would very much like to go out with you. Jimmy Kimmel’s star is falling, sweetie. Mine is just beginning to rise. Get on board with a winner. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

When you, as a blogger, start quoting Meredith Grey because you can’t think of anything funnier, it’s time to go to bed.