I’m thinking something along the lines of, “Time to get back to rehab.”  Kelly Osbourne and her fiance, Luke Worrall frightening innocent bystanders walking down the street in Miami.

You know, I reported about Kelly’s engagement a few months ago.  I may have mentioned her impending divorce before the ring was even back from being sized at the jewelers.  I’m ashamed.  But the good news?  Kelly has no intention of actually tying the knot for another five years.  That’s a good thing since you really aren’t supposed to make major life decisions straight out of a treatment facility.  According to her, “I think the last thing I should be doing right now is planning a wedding.  I’d become one of those cracked-out housewives with a vacuum cleaner, hopped up on Dexedrine.”

Like there’s anything wrong with that.

I haven’t gotten around to watching the new Osbournes variety show yet (not that I was ever planning to), but the early reviews are god-awful.

Says Entertainment Weekly:

On The Osbournes: Reloaded, Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly, and Jack were just pathetic. No wonder Fox kept chopping this proposed hour-long “variety show” into an ever-smaller size before airing it. The network is supposed to air five more Reloadeds. Don’t hold your breath. Or maybe, do hold your breath: The stink of this show will last a long time.

Thus far, Fox affiliates in Panama City, Milwaukee, Cincinatti, Knoxville, Kansas City and Utah have elected to either not carry the show or air it after midnight rather than in its suggested post-Idol time slot.

And from the reviews, it sounds like these affiliates aren’t being prudish, the show is just REALLY awful and offensive. But not in a creative and envelope-pushing way, just plain old gross for the sake of being gross.

Fox was originally going to air five more episodes of the show in the fall, but somehow I doubt that’s going to happen at this point. Heads are gonna roll for this at Fox.

So is it over now? Is the Osbournes thing finally over now? Has our national love affair with these people at last signed the divorce papers? Can we, America, please be the strong ones in this relationship, and end it once and for all, so that the Osbournes can heal and move on?

Anybody watching Flight of the Conchords? No? Alright.

Aaaaanyway, Lady GaGa performed last night. She seems more covered up than usual. I think that’s due to the addition of the fishnet pantyhose that she’s pretending are pants. Those sunglasses/S.W.A.T style facial shields are stupendous. Her costumes are almost enough to make me see the show, but if I see average flabby on the street wearing any of this ish I’ll track her down and make her take responsibility. America is not ready for Latex-wear run amuck in the general population. Trust me.

In attendance was recently rehabbed Kelly Osbourne. She was snapped with a “guest” whom does not really appear to be the sort of person one should associate with after completing a rehab program, but who knows.

Awww, Kelly. The rest of her family is sober, but Kelly keeps relapsing. The 24-year-old is back in rehab.

“Yeah, Kelly’s in rehab,” the matriarch of the Osbourne clan confirmed to RadarOnline.com.

“What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point and we’re proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she’s getting it.”

Sharon didn’t want to reveal the location of the rehab facility where Kelly will be for at at least the next 30 days, except to say that it was outside the L.A. area.

Nor did she want to discuss what she’s getting help for.

“Kelly will tell you herself when she gets out,” Sharon promised. “We just pray that everything’s going to be okay.”

I have to give Kelly a lot of credit for working at this, and continuing to try to get sober. Addiction is such a hard thing to beat, and hopefully Kelly can get a handle on it much earlier than her dad did.

Keep at it, Kel! You’re in my prayers!

Okay, okay, so the actual event happened last summer — what took Scotland Yard so long to investigate?

Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for allegedly slapping a journalist in a London nightclub last summer.

The 24-year-old daughter of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne was released on bail as inquiries continue. She is scheduled to return to see authorities in March.

The allegations stem from a claim that Osbourne hit gossip columnist Zoe Griffin after Griffin wrote an article mocking Osbourne’s model boyfriend Luke Worrall. In a piece last August in the U.K. newspaper The Mirror, Griffin wrote that she was approached in Punk nightclub by Osbourne, who took issue with a story Griffin had written saying Worrall had to ask how an earthquake was caused.

Griffin quoted her saying, “I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he’s upset.”

As the conversation drew to a close, Griffin wrote, “That’s when I felt a hard slap to my right cheekbone.”

I’m sorry, I’m such a dork, but all I can think while reading this is “Didn’t this guy have to learn about tectonic plates in school?” I was not much of a science kid in school, and, to be honest, the only damn thing I remember from any of my science classes was about how tectonic plate shifts cause earthquakes and volcanoes and mountains. I feel like that’s all they taught us every week. It’s really all I can recall.

That’s not true, I remember one more thing: We had to dissect a grasshopper once, and my friend Rebecca and I, who were lab partners, didn’t really have the heart to cut into our poor grasshopper. This was right after that Heaven’s Gate mass suicide, so instead we covered him in purple construction paper and made little black construction-paper Nikes and taped them to his many feet and told Mr. Anton that we couldn’t dissect him because he had to meet his comet. He was our Heaven’s Gate Grasshopper.

I didn’t excel in my science classes, needless to say. BUT I WAS ALWAYS FUNNY.

What’s the point here? Oh, right, okay. This whole thing is totally dumb because asking what causes an earthquake is not the same as not knowing what an earthquake is. Also everyone should know what causes an earthquake because, as far as I can tell, it’s the only thing they teach in high-school science these days.

Kelly Osbourne interacts with an unnamed individual outside of an LA Rite Aid.

Ah…young love.  Kelly Osbourne has found a mate for lifein Luke Worrall.  The couple began dating six months ago and Luke has announced their engagement…wait for it…on his Facebook status.  Sure, she had been spotted around town wearing a big rock but when you bring it to Facebook it’s official.  His FB pageidentifies him as “the Agyness Deyn of male models.”  Oh Kelly…

But wait…there’s more.  He’s 18 and she’s 24.  Kelly Osbourne is only 24.  Is that even possible?  Doesn’t it seem like she should be 47 or something?  I’m all for young love but why do they have to get married?  Can’t they just share a flat and fornicate as nature intended?  It’s so much cheaper when it goes off into the ditch.  And in this economy, we must be prudent.  Kelly Osbourne marrying an 18 year-old male model does not make sound financial sense.