I really need to get some European television in my life. My husband recently went on a business trip to Italy. While I was busy losing my mind and making phallic-shaped pancakes, he was in Bologna watching soft core porn on mainstream prime-time tv. How is this possible?

Well, Keira Knightley filmed a public service announcement that will be aired in the UK, detailing the dangers of domestic violence.  It was directed by Joe Wright.  He’s the dude she worked with in Atonement and Pride &  Prejudice.  And truly, this commercial does feel like a mini-movie.  A graphic mini-movie, that is.

If you choose to watch, be advised of its violent nature.  This would never be aired in the United States.  Sigh…we Americans are such delicate little prudes.

I’d run the pics of Keira alone on the red carpet, but, oh wait, there aren’t any. She insisted on holding Sienna Miller’s hand the whole damn time. I don’t understand it and I don’t want to.

Oh, and I had the photo agency’s website programmed to display the oldest photos first — I did that to find the young pics of Nicole Richie I ran previously — but when I searched for these photos of Keira it actually brought up the earliest photos of her, including this one from the Pirates of the Caribbean premiere in 2003. In. Sane. I want that stomach. Now.

Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller appeared together last night at The British Independent Film Awards in London.  I love Keira’s whole look.  The hair, dress, makeup.  Sienna looks ok but blah.  By the way, I’m pretty sure she got back together with Balthazar Getty.  Yeah, I didn’t care either.

Also there was Ralph Fiennes who looks really hot bald.  Anna Friel was there in a dress that looks just like the Play-Doh containers I have at my house when I let my kids mix all the colors together.  Well…when I used to let them have Play-Doh.  And Rupert Everett who was tagged as Rupert Graves all over the pap sites. 

At a screening of The Duchess in NYC.

Ha ha. I like saying “itty bitty titty committee.” It makes me happy because it sounds funny, and because it reminds me that I have large breasts. Yay!

Anyway, Keira Knightley reportedly refused to allow the studio to digitally increase her bosom in the publicity still for her new film, The Duchess.

“She has insisted that her figure stay in its natural state,” says a source. “She is proud of her body and doesn’t want it altered.”

My answer is always yes. A joyous and hateful yes. Why? Because I like the Beet. She’s my girl. And her dog, Leo, is my boy. I’m not sure about those cats yet though.

Anyway, today we’ll be getting into fun videos, a bit of gossip, and my personal opinions on who I’d fatten up if they allowed me to date/defile them. Our first contestant? Keira Knightley!

“I always bare my breasts,” she said at the press conference to promote The Edge of Love Wednesday at the Edinburgh International Film Festival. “It’s not like it’s only in this film!”

Ah, I see. For those not in the “know” this is a brazen attempt to promote a movie that around eight people will see. Mostly because it’s the 12th period piece in a row out of Miss Knightley but also partially because it looks like that film Atonement all over again. Now then, on a more tragic note, my own personal breasts are way fuller and bouncier these days. I’m around a C cup.

Referring to a scene in the wartime romance The Edge of Love with her onscreen husband Cillian Murphy, Knightley said: “It was very simple. It was a sex scene and I never like them when they’ve got bras on.” So when the director asked her to remove her bra, “I said, ‘All right then.’”

Indeed. We’ve all been there. Also, have you seen Cillian Murphy? He’s extremely creepy looking.

Ok then, that’s all for now. Just getting warmed up. Beet said she’d murder anyone that was mean to me but I told her it was no problem. I grew up in a broken home and I’ve already won a Pulitzer Prize for journalism. What could the internets commenters do to me?

Keira Knightley does ballerina chic at the L.A. premiere of Atonement.

At The Atonement premiere in London.

In a recent interview with the UK’s Radio Times, the Pirates hottie openly credits her good genes and Photoshop for all the fabulous pictures of her gracing magazine covers.

“OK, I’m on the cover of a magazine,” she says, “but somebody else does the hair, and the makeup, and airbrushes the fuck out of me – it’s not me, it’s something other people have created.”

She also downplays the value of fame.

“It frightens me when kids go, ‘I want to be famous,’ ” she says. “Why? Because you can get into a restaurant? You know what? If you book [a table], you can get into a restaurant! ‘I want to be rich and famous.’ Go and work on the stock market.”

She commented on her recent lawsuit against a tabloid after it accused the super-skinny starlet of having an eating disorder.

“You couldn’t say anything more horrendous. So yes, I did take a hard line, and I would take that line again.”

I have to say that I have a friend who worked on a movie in England with miss Keira and said simply, “She is quite the brat…actually I really couldn’t stand her…not many people can.” I used to love Keira but lately she as really made some annyoing comments. She is attempting to make her fans think that she is “just like them” when really her image is a dangerous example of skeletal Hollywood.

Even though she is very thin and a huge role models to young women in England she always is making comments about her figure saying that she is very insecure.

“Look up insecurity in the dictionary, ‘For insecurity, see Keira Knightley.’ Constant insecurities. But I’m 22 and my body is alright at the moment. It’s not going to get much better. I know I might as well make the most of it.”

She has decided to combat her “insecurity” by telling people she would rather look like chunky indie rocker Beth Ditto. I wonder if Keira realizes it is a bit of a slap in the face when a skinny actress tells people she envies Beth’s plus size body.

I know she claims to be naturally skinny but I remember when she broke out onto the scene as a teenager (when people are usually at their thinnest) and she looked healthy and trim not ill.

A new actress, Hayley Atwell who is beautiful and womanly has been called the “New Keira Knightley” in England and I hope that is the case. She is beautiful and has an actual figure. She will be starring this summer with Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell in Woody Allen’s movie, “Cassandra’s Dream.”

The, ultra-thin, premiere-dodging Keira Knightley recently won nearly $6000 in a libel suit against British tab The Daily Mail over their claims that her super-skinny body was encouraging young women to starve themselves. The $6000 can be interpreted to represent either 0.0003% of the revenue earned by Daily Mail for that issue, or 0.0002% of the value of the free publicity they’ve seen as a result of the lawsuit. Take your pick.

The tabloid ran a photo of Keira in a bikini, with the headline: “If Pictures Like This One of Keira Carried a Health Warning, My Darling Daughter Might Have Lived,” with the article suggesting that Keira’s weight had contributed to the death of 19-year-old Sophie Mazurek.

A lawyer for the paper’s publisher said they apologized for the distress and embarrassment caused by the article and accepted that the actress bore no responsibility for Mazurek’s death.

Keira plans to match the amount she won in the suit — another $6000 — and donate the total to BEAT, a charity which helps people with eating and mental disorders. She still has no plans to attend any of the premieres for Pirates 3.

Those of you who have been waiting patiently for the Lindsay Lohan/Keira Knightley lesbian scene you were promised in their upcoming flick, Best Time of Our Lives, will just have to pull out the Vaseline and your Wild Things DVD and keep waiting. The ever-reliable Lohan dropped out of the Dylan Thomas biopic just days before filming was supposed to start. You know, because she’s not an addict, and everything is totally under control.

Keira’s mother, Sharman Macdonald, wrote the screenplay for the film, and Keira is reportedly “furious” with Lindsay for dropping out of the project. Lohan was slated to play Thomas’s wife, Caitlin MacNamara, which would include a lesbian sex scene with Knightley. There’s been no formal comment from Knightley or Lohan’s camp. However, rumor has it that Sienna Miller is taking over Lohan’s role, so there’s no need to be too disappointed, guys. It’s not like they went with Rosie O’Donnell instead.

Side note: I found this pic of Lindsay in Tokyo from April 13. That girl is still wearing that Foreigner t-shirt. Too. Damn. Funny.