Back in May I told you about some crazy “I don’t need a lawyer, I’m acting on my own behalf” chick who claimed that Keanu Reeves fathered at least one, if not all four, of her adult children.  Reeves said he had never met this potential baby mama.  Well, the results are in and the search must go on, because these kids are not fathered by Keanu.

If this was all unfolding on Maury, this is the point where Reeves would jump up out of his chair thus knocking it over, whilst simultaneously pumping his fist in the air and screaming, “I told you!  I told you!  I told you!  You ain’t nothin’ but a whore!  I told you!  I told you!”  And the mother would bury her face in her hands and cry, cry, cry.  Maury would sit and observe quietly and then gently offer to keep giving DNA tests to any other men until they were able to locate the father of her children.

Did I mention that I’ve started watching daytime television?  Not. Good.  Anyway, crazy lady is disputing the DNA results.  Apparently she knows something about the ol’ double helix that the rest of the universe doesn’t.  And her twenty-something kid needs to go tell all his friends that, despite the story he’s been told his entire life,  his father wasn’t on a speeding, out-of-control, bus.  It feels like the day I realized that my grandmother probably wasn’t really the first wife of Clark Gable.  Soooooooo embarrassing.

Some crazy lady has come forthclaiming that Keanu Reeves fathered her four children during an on-again, off-again affair that was conducted during her teen and her married years.  And when I say “her four adult children” you should realize that I mean “her four children in their early twenties.”

Karen Sala, a 46 year-old Canadian acting as her own lawyer (more proof that she’s nuts), has filed a request with the court that Keanu Reeves provide a DNA sample because she believes that he is the father of at least one of her four children.

Let’s get the logical question out of the way:  Why would you wait until your kids ranged in age from 20-25 years old before filing for child support? 

This whack is seeking $150,000 a month retroactive to 1988 and, get this, $3M a month in spousal support. 

Sala claims that she briefly lived with Keanu in their teen years and that Reeves bought presents for her children over the years.  Other evidence she offers includes a handwriting sample and claims that celebs such as Sandra Bullock and Cameron Diaz have observed her with the star.

In stark contrast, Reeves claims that he has no idea who this woman is.

Who do you believe?  My money is on Reeves.  The economy makes people do desperate things.

Sigh.

Twentieth Century Fox’s remake of sci-fi classic “The Day the Earth Stood Still” will be the widest release ever –if you count outer space.

At the same time that the film opens today in theaters, Fox and a privately owned celestial communications network will use equipment at Cape Canaveral, Fla., to begin beaming “The Day the Earth Stood Still” to Alpha Centauri, the nearest star system to Earth. The galactic stunt is a first-ever for a Hollywood studio.

But if there is a life in Alpha Centauri, it will take four years for it to receive the transmission of the sci-fi actioner, which toplines Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly and Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith.

Ummmmm … I know I’ll never get royalties for it, but I’d like to go ahead and be the first person to officially pitch this: Someone needs to do a film about the friendly aliens who decide to come visit Earth after receiving this transmission — their only knowledge of our world and culture coming from a Keanu Reeves flick. In fact, guys, we don’t even have to make the film. I think we could just put a bunch of writers in a room and videotape the brainstorming session. That would be plenty funny. Funny or Die, are you listening? (If you are I want royalties.)

“Smoking. I didn’t even start until I was 30. I got hooked making Feeling Minnesota and now it’s a prison, but I want to stop.”

Keanu Reeves, in a new interview with the Daily Mail, when asked if there’s anything he wants to give up.

He can do what he wants with the cigarettes, but, Keanu, I am begging you to give up that horrendous pube beard as soon as possible.

As a man who makes his substantial living at the foot of the Hollywood Gods I am not a biter of the hands that feed me. I don’t rock the boat. I only ask for enough to sustain myself and my many wives, and of course our multiple mansions, all equipped with dowdy Beagles named “Mr. Sparkles.” But sometimes even I come across something that makes me wonder how exactly this whole equation works. Consider this screenshot:

I came across this news item because my RSS reader came through with this headline: Keanu Reeves’ Night out in Hollywood. So I clicked to see more, and this was what I was presented with. I expected hookers, or at the very least horse tranquilizers. What did I get? One Single Photo. This is not clickable by the way, there aren’t more photos to the equation that we’re missing. We also aren’t told where he is, or what he’s doing. In fact this shot could have been taken a year ago.

I guess what I’m saying here is “Hey, ET producers, put the paint thinner down.” If we start running solitary photos of celebs without mentioning the whore house Les Deux or the term “DUI” then I’m not sure what we’re in the business for. Hell, I could come up with a photo every day, no problem. I’ll even make up a story for ya. Who you want? Mel Gibson? Expect a photo of him at Pizza Hut later today (though the photo won’t show that unless I get photoshop).

Best regards,

Spireful Lars

Keanu Reeves newsflash!

RANCHO PALOS VERDES, Calif. (AP) — Keanu Reeves was behind the wheel of a Porsche that allegedly grazed a celebrity photographer standing in the path of the sports car, investigators said Tuesday.

What celeb photographer was taking a photo of Keanu? Was he lost? Doesn’t he take the “celebrity part” of his job seriously? What would a photo of Reeves fetch these days?

Do you think Keanu screamed “I’m NOT A GODDAMN CELEB ANYMORE!” before hauling ass off into the night?

The photographer fell to the ground and paramedics were called after Reeves’ car allegedly struck the man at 7:30 p.m. Monday, said Deputy Ed Hernandez of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department.

“He grazed a paparazzi standing in front of his Porsche and the man fell to the ground,” Hernandez said.

You know that guy took a dive. C’mon. He fell down like a house of cards and started thinking lawsuit city. He’s already covering 8th rung stars and making minimum wage. We can safely say this guy isn’t a world beater.

The photographer, whose name wasn’t released, was taken to a local hospital for treatment of unknown injuries, Hernandez said.

Unknown equaling non-existent. Here is the kicker. Ready for it? You sure? Ok, enjoy.

He (Reeves) also plays in the band Dogstar.

This was listed as one of the things Reeves has done. Yep, snap them photos up boys! The public demands no less!