Toddler and fashion plate Suri Cruise was skipping around NYC yesterday in a pair of heels like Carrie Goddamn Bradshaw, which is only more evidence that this little girl is secretly a 20-something woman. The clothes, the heels, the way she works a camera. I’m telling you, Suri Cruise has more game than most of the women I know. That heel may only be an inch, but I don’t think I rocked anything like that until I was at least fourteen, and even then I wobbled my way up on stage to accept my diploma at my eighth grade graduation. She even looks like she’s got her Naomi Campbell walk down in that photo above.

Readers, I present to you a challenge: find me a photo in which Suri Cruise looks closer to a toddler than a fierce fashionista and I will give you a gold star and a thumbs up.

I know you’ve all been concerned, so I wanted to keep you updated on Boston’s weather.  It’s warmed up over the past few days, we even have a rose in full bloom out in the yard.  With the rising temperatures, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have decided to start putting little Suri in tights and long sleeves.  Expect wool sweater coats and cashmere leggings next June!

The Cruise clan headed out for a coffee in Boston last weekend and ended up with a gaggle of people following them around the streets. The internet is up in arms, not about a large group of pedestrians stalking a family (blame it on Xenu-phobia) but about the fact that in a few pictures, Suri is seen sipping from a Starbuck’s cup.

I’m not gonna go all ballistic Dr. Spock on this one. Maybe it’s a cup full of Starbucks’ delicious apple cider. Or maybe they just let her have a little sip to see how it tastes -that’s okay, right?

Or does this kid need a full-blown parenting intervention, stat? I hear Michael Lohan is looking for something to do.

I was in the gym today, “working out,” and training next to me was a male fitness model, all big and toned and wearing, no joke, lululemon women’s hot pants. These, specifically, I think.

He was complaining to his lifting buddy: “I can’t seem to gain weight. I’ve lost ten pounds and I can’t put it back on again.”

I thought I could be of use here. “You could do what I do,” I told him. “Just eat a whole lot.”

He laughed. “Oh, sweetheart, I do,” he said. “I’m eating 3500 calories a day!”

I fake-laughed because the poor sap doesn’t understand the human body at all. “You’re obviously doing it wrong,” I explained. “What I do is eat 3500 calories of refined sugar in the evening before bed. That seems to do the trick.”

Then I told the whole gym about how I ate ice cream with peanut butter in it last night, and they hung on my every word while they ate carrots and bell peppers. Then they all went off to do fitness photo shoots and I went home to eat cookies and write a gossip blog. This is why I am single and they are all having hot sex with each other.

What is the point here?

Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise did a few laps around a track in Boston yesterday. The baby doll is winning. Also, if you go through all the photos, you can find a special prize: The one where Suri’s picking her nose on the track. That’s what I call the Evil Beet Workout!

Listen, motherhood is hard (feel free to check out my personal site to see just how bad I am at it).  I try really hard not to criticize celebrities for their parenting choices (I don’t always succeed, *cough*JennyMcCarthy*cough*) because raising human beings ranks up there with not gouging my eyes out while watching The Beautiful Life — in other words, nearly impossible.

It’s been building up for awhile, but I always figure that there are some sort of extenuating circumstances.  I can stay silent no longer.  I live in the Boston area.  Yesterday, the weather was so cold and blustery that a tree fell on a 12 year old who was walking home from school.  People lost electricity.  Did I mention cold and blustery?  Then why, oh why must Katie Holmes insist on letting her three year old walk around Faneuil Hall with no coat and bare legs?  I see pictures of this all the time.  Last week, she was barefoot in Boston.  It’s cold here and the Cruises have the bucks to afford a coat and shoes, so, uh … what the fuck?

In addition to having the cutest fucking toddler to ever see a pair of heels*, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise apparently have the kind of strong, enduring relationship that allows them to exercise together. Just like Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake! I don’t understand the appeal of jogging with your significant other. Look, when I’m jogging, that’s my damn time. That’s my time to be away from all the nuisances in my life, which usually expands to include whomever I’m dating at the time. You must really be close to your husband to agree to jog with them. Either that or you’re contractually bound to be within 20 feet of him at all time. I’m not sure which it is with Katie.

* It just occurred to me that I’m going to get some very upsetting search traffic as a result of using “fucking” and “toddler” in such close proximity.

Katie Holmes thinks she can dance … and act. Mrs. Tom Cruise is currently in Australia filming her new flick, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. Lookin’ good, Katie!

Katie Holmes was on the 100th episode of So You Think You Can Dance last night.  (I always want to put a question mark at the end of that show title.)  I’ve got the clip for you.  Unless you want to watch Katie scratch herself and look dead in the eyes, fast forward to about the two-minute mark.  There, you can watch Katie lip-sync and look dead in the eyes.  Enjoy!

Edited to add:  The reviews are in!  You know, I just cruised over to Twitter to see if Solange Knowles ever.  stopped.  copying.  me.  and saw that Shanna Moakler just posted this Tweet:  ”I am fckn INSULTED, Katie Holmes how dare you! maybe if I suck Tom Cruise off I can be Ann Miller for a day. Shame Shame Shame.”  Like, she seriously couldn’t have sacrificed a comma or exclamation point in exchange for having enough available characters to be able to spell “fucking”?  (Screen grabbed it for when the coke and martinis wear off and Shanna deletes it.) 

Edited again:  I’ll add any more coke-fueled Tweets valuable Shanna Moakler commentary that she posts.

Don’t forget that Katie Holmes is on So You Think You Can Dance tonight.  She will be singing and dancing a tribute to Judy Garland.  Tonight’s episode is a celebration of the show’s 100th episode.  I’ve never seen it before, but I’ll totally be tuning in to see if her leaseholder Tom Cruise is there.

Katie has joined forces with the show’s producer and judge Nigel Lygothe as well as Adam Shankman and Dancing with the Stars judge Carrie Ann Inaba to form a foundation called Dizzy Feet.  Dizzy Feet’s goal is to provide education and opportunity to underprivileged dancers.

Sadly, the show airs at 9 p.m. EST which is in direct schedule conflict with the re-airing of Lindsay Lohan’s Labor Pains (begins at 8 p.m. EST).  It’s like network executives just sit around thinking of new and creative ways to piss me off.  Thank you, sweet Jaysus for DVR technology.

According to this article in the Daily Mail, Suri Cruise will be off to Scientolotot Elementary after she turns three this week. She’s heading to the Scientologist school founded by (closeted) Scientologist Will Smith.

The school is staffed by trained Scientologists and lists ‘study technology’ as a key curricular focus. The children eat a low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic diet, although something tells me that’s about the only positive thing they’ll be teaching the kids at that school.

Meanwhile, Katie’s reportedly been on a much less nutritious diet, the Purification Rundown that Scientolowives endure before becoming impregnated with their little Xenu babies. The diet –- which consists of herbal drinks and a purification procedure to eliminate toxic substances — is rumored to have left Katie so run-down that she was forced to miss the Oscars. Starvation! Exactly what the medical community recommends prior to pregnancy! Katie’s somehow found the strength to be filming her new movie, The Extra Man, in NYC, but she’ll be heading back to LA soon so that Suri can start school and she can get knocked up. (By some manner of “extra man,” I’d imagine — probably the same one that fathered Suri.)

FREE KATIE!!!

Katie Holmes showed up yesterday in Tokyo at a Valkyrie screening with long hair.  Man, she must have a serious protein diet going…her hair grew, like, overnight!

So…love it or hate it?

Suri, I don’t blame you.  I’m totally over your dad too!  Speaking of “dad”, may I take this opportunity to ask you to Google images of Katie Holmes’ ex, Chris Klein?  Oh, hell…just look in the gallery.

Tom, Suri and Katie wearing an ensemble that is sure to spark baby bump rumors, arriving yesterday in Japan as they continue their Valkyrie promo tour.