According to this article in the Daily Mail, Suri Cruise will be off to Scientolotot Elementary after she turns three this week. She’s heading to the Scientologist school founded by (closeted) Scientologist Will Smith.

The school is staffed by trained Scientologists and lists ‘study technology’ as a key curricular focus. The children eat a low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic diet, although something tells me that’s about the only positive thing they’ll be teaching the kids at that school.

Meanwhile, Katie’s reportedly been on a much less nutritious diet, the Purification Rundown that Scientolowives endure before becoming impregnated with their little Xenu babies. The diet –- which consists of herbal drinks and a purification procedure to eliminate toxic substances — is rumored to have left Katie so run-down that she was forced to miss the Oscars. Starvation! Exactly what the medical community recommends prior to pregnancy! Katie’s somehow found the strength to be filming her new movie, The Extra Man, in NYC, but she’ll be heading back to LA soon so that Suri can start school and she can get knocked up. (By some manner of “extra man,” I’d imagine — probably the same one that fathered Suri.)

FREE KATIE!!!

Katie Holmes showed up yesterday in Tokyo at a Valkyrie screening with long hair.  Man, she must have a serious protein diet going…her hair grew, like, overnight!

So…love it or hate it?

Suri, I don’t blame you.  I’m totally over your dad too!  Speaking of “dad”, may I take this opportunity to ask you to Google images of Katie Holmes’ ex, Chris Klein?  Oh, hell…just look in the gallery.

Tom, Suri and Katie wearing an ensemble that is sure to spark baby bump rumors, arriving yesterday in Japan as they continue their Valkyrie promo tour.

Katie Holmes is the cover girl on April’s issue of Glamour.  She shares all the crap about her life that no one is interested in learning about.

Regarding the actresses she idolizes, she inexplicably mentioned Audrey Hepburn in the same sentence as Julia Roberts:

Growing up, I always had my dreams set on being an actor, so I looked up to Julia Roberts, Audrey Hepburn. I also look up to Kate Winslet and Renée [Zellweger] and Cate Blanchett…and Diane Keaton—she’s a genius.

On a day living in an imprisoning compound in her life:

We like to be together, so we use the house for our [business] meetings. [We] play Yahtzee, board games, Scrabble. We grill; have pool parties. We play “The Three Little Pigs” and Suri is the Big Bad Wolf. [Tom] reads story books to Suri and we all laugh. When a good song comes on, he’ll break into dance. We’ll watch movies in bed—recently Madagascar and Cinderella, for Suri. We have a really good time.

On vowing to marry Tom.  Oh, and when she said “fun,” she meant “malleable.”

When Top Gun came out my sisters were like, ‘Oh, my God, Top Gun! Tom Cruise!’ And I very confidently said, ‘I’m going to marry him one day.’ It wasn’t like, How do I get Tom Cruise? It was just: I think I’m going to marry him. Why not? He’ll like me. I’m fun.

JK, you guys! JK!

Katie’s not really sad — she’s just filming a movie. WHY WOULD KATIE HOLMES BE SAD?

Here’s Mrs. Cruise breaking out her very best Joey Potter for a scene in her upcoming movie, The Extra Man, which is currently filming in Manhattan.

Is it possible her face is getting even more angular?

Katie Holmes is wearing a god-awful pair of pants, per usual, but this time it’s not her fault.

Photogs snapped these pics of Katie while she was on location in New York filming her new movie, The Extra Man. The flick co-stars John C. Reilly and Kevin Kline, and is scheduled for a 2010 release.

OK! has written an entire article based on this photograph.  Like me, they totally diagnose celebrities as pregnant based solely on pictures.  Ultrasounds are, like, so unnecessary nowadays.  It’s clear Katie Holmes is pregnant based on the fact that Tom Cruise has his hand on her stomach.  I made a similar prediction a couple weeks ago based on Nicole Richie looking jubilant and announcement making-ish.

Actually, the hand on stomach is a Hollywood thing.  When I was pregnant, my husband wasn’t even allowed to make eye contact with me.  Or sleep in bed with me.  Or know where I was living.

As I sign off for the day, a personal yet somewhat related note:  Nine years ago today, my life forever changed.  I experienced the joy of giving birth to my first son.  If you have a soft spot for hyper-intelligent nine-year-olds, I’d love it if you’d post a “Happy Birthday” to him on my blog (Beet was nice enough to link in sidebar).  He already thinks he’s a celebrity after your comments on the Grandpa Sam video.  Seriously, he recently presented me with a rider chock-full of lunch box requirements.