Toddler and fashion plate Suri Cruise was skipping around NYC yesterday in a pair of heels like Carrie Goddamn Bradshaw, which is only more evidence that this little girl is secretly a 20-something woman. The clothes, the heels, the way she works a camera. I’m telling you, Suri Cruise has more game than most of the women I know. That heel may only be an inch, but I don’t think I rocked anything like that until I was at least fourteen, and even then I wobbled my way up on stage to accept my diploma at my eighth grade graduation. She even looks like she’s got her Naomi Campbell walk down in that photo above.

Readers, I present to you a challenge: find me a photo in which Suri Cruise looks closer to a toddler than a fierce fashionista and I will give you a gold star and a thumbs up.

I know you’ve all been concerned, so I wanted to keep you updated on Boston’s weather.  It’s warmed up over the past few days, we even have a rose in full bloom out in the yard.  With the rising temperatures, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have decided to start putting little Suri in tights and long sleeves.  Expect wool sweater coats and cashmere leggings next June!

The Cruise clan headed out for a coffee in Boston last weekend and ended up with a gaggle of people following them around the streets. The internet is up in arms, not about a large group of pedestrians stalking a family (blame it on Xenu-phobia) but about the fact that in a few pictures, Suri is seen sipping from a Starbuck’s cup.

I’m not gonna go all ballistic Dr. Spock on this one. Maybe it’s a cup full of Starbucks’ delicious apple cider. Or maybe they just let her have a little sip to see how it tastes -that’s okay, right?

Or does this kid need a full-blown parenting intervention, stat? I hear Michael Lohan is looking for something to do.

I was in the gym today, “working out,” and training next to me was a male fitness model, all big and toned and wearing, no joke, lululemon women’s hot pants. These, specifically, I think.

He was complaining to his lifting buddy: “I can’t seem to gain weight. I’ve lost ten pounds and I can’t put it back on again.”

I thought I could be of use here. “You could do what I do,” I told him. “Just eat a whole lot.”

He laughed. “Oh, sweetheart, I do,” he said. “I’m eating 3500 calories a day!”

I fake-laughed because the poor sap doesn’t understand the human body at all. “You’re obviously doing it wrong,” I explained. “What I do is eat 3500 calories of refined sugar in the evening before bed. That seems to do the trick.”

Then I told the whole gym about how I ate ice cream with peanut butter in it last night, and they hung on my every word while they ate carrots and bell peppers. Then they all went off to do fitness photo shoots and I went home to eat cookies and write a gossip blog. This is why I am single and they are all having hot sex with each other.

What is the point here?

Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise did a few laps around a track in Boston yesterday. The baby doll is winning. Also, if you go through all the photos, you can find a special prize: The one where Suri’s picking her nose on the track. That’s what I call the Evil Beet Workout!

Listen, motherhood is hard (feel free to check out my personal site to see just how bad I am at it).  I try really hard not to criticize celebrities for their parenting choices (I don’t always succeed, *cough*JennyMcCarthy*cough*) because raising human beings ranks up there with not gouging my eyes out while watching The Beautiful Life — in other words, nearly impossible.

It’s been building up for awhile, but I always figure that there are some sort of extenuating circumstances.  I can stay silent no longer.  I live in the Boston area.  Yesterday, the weather was so cold and blustery that a tree fell on a 12 year old who was walking home from school.  People lost electricity.  Did I mention cold and blustery?  Then why, oh why must Katie Holmes insist on letting her three year old walk around Faneuil Hall with no coat and bare legs?  I see pictures of this all the time.  Last week, she was barefoot in Boston.  It’s cold here and the Cruises have the bucks to afford a coat and shoes, so, uh … what the fuck?

In addition to having the cutest fucking toddler to ever see a pair of heels*, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise apparently have the kind of strong, enduring relationship that allows them to exercise together. Just like Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake! I don’t understand the appeal of jogging with your significant other. Look, when I’m jogging, that’s my damn time. That’s my time to be away from all the nuisances in my life, which usually expands to include whomever I’m dating at the time. You must really be close to your husband to agree to jog with them. Either that or you’re contractually bound to be within 20 feet of him at all time. I’m not sure which it is with Katie.

* It just occurred to me that I’m going to get some very upsetting search traffic as a result of using “fucking” and “toddler” in such close proximity.

Katie Holmes thinks she can dance … and act. Mrs. Tom Cruise is currently in Australia filming her new flick, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. Lookin’ good, Katie!